Along the Road

Here's What I'm Convinced Of

2010-12-18T17:06:00.002-06:00

Helloooooo out there! I'm not sure if anyone is still with me but if so, I've got a lot to catch you up on. Let's see....I'll write what we've been up to and then you can see for yourself with pictures. But first things first...As I reflect on all God has done since I came to know him and especially the last two and a half years, here's what I'm convinced of more than ever before.

There is nothing else worth giving my life to

God is good, loving, patient, compassionate, just, and his character is the same, yesterday, today and forever

John Piper says that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. Yes, I'm convinced of this.

My deepest need has been taken care of at the cross and so I don't ever have to fear losing my greatest treasure, my relationship with Him

His ways are "beyond tracing out" and I'll never understand all that he chooses this side of heaven, but I can rest in the fact that he sees all, knows all and controls all things

He is my truest source of joy, peace, strength, grace, hope

Mighty is the power of the cross

I came across this quote from a lady named Suzanne ( I read it on her blog) and it completely summarizes what God has been doing in my heart the past year.

"Are you going to stay in your comfortable little place and make sure everyone else around you is comfortable? We have the rest of our lives to be comfortable...in heaven, for eternity! I wanna go outa here all wrinkled, tired and ragged, looking like I have lived life to the fullest. At this ONE chance (called life on earth) to do something significant to bring God and God alone glory."

I couldn't have said it better. Friends, God has put adoption on our hearts. It's something Billy and I have talked about since we got married. We have always been open to where God might lead. We are praying through finances ( I wish it wasn't so dang expensive) and domestic vs. international. My heart is drawn to Africa. My heart is also drawn here to the "least likely" to be adopted. God has changed my perspective on the way we live and shown me so many things I can do without. Ok, like the operation Christmas child shoe boxes. Don't we have this backwards? Shouldn't we be sending millions of dollars that we as Americans spend on Christmas when in reality our kids don't NEED anything. Maybe we should give our children shoeboxes and send the money to children across the world who have nothing! Please don't hear me say that it's wrong to have nice things, but for me, God has shown practical ways I can sacrifice. And the best part is that it's my great privilege to do it, to trust and obey.... so we can go to Africa or wherever God leads!

I long to be eternally focused and not waste my life on all these things that won't last forever. The Word of God and the souls of men! God's glory! The gospel! God's kingdom!

"I have been crucified with Christ, it's no longer I who live, but Christ in me. The life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Lord, make this true of my life!

I've been reading Radical by David Platt. Don't read it unless you want to be challenged!! He says-

" And this is where we need to pause. Because we are starting to redefine Christianity. We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are comfortable with. A nice, middle-class American Jesus. A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who could not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that he receives all our affection. A Jesus who is fine with nominal devotion that does not infringe on our comforts, because, after all, he loves us just he way we are. A Jesus who wants us to be balanced, who wants us to avoid dangerous extremes, and who, for that matter, wants us to avoid danger altogether. A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as we live out our Christian spin on the American dream.

"But do you and I realize what we are actually doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church buildings to sing and lift our hands in worship, we may not actually we worshiping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshiping ourselves."

Wow. There is nothing else to say. Just let those statements soak in for a while. I'll keep you posted on the adoption process.

Phew, that's all for now :)

A Recap in pictures ( not in order)...Start of school, football, Camping, Halloween, Troy Homecoming and Thanksgiving. We've had a fun Fall!

Next time I'll share pictures of Elley's 5th birthday and Holden's 9th....we had some fun parties!!

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Two Years Ago

2010-07-01T23:29:00.002-05:00

Two years ago.......

My life was really easy

Compared to today, my God was really small

I had no idea how hard this road was about to be

I had no idea how sick Alaina was

We were having a fun/normal summer- beach, VBS, friends

I complained a lot more in my heart

My whole world changed

I realized just how out of control I was

I planned my daughter's funeral and brushed her hair for the last time

I wept and ached and wept and ached

My God was Big

I was small

I let go of this world in a deeper way

A part of my heart went to heaven

I became very fearful

I gained perspective

The gospel was planted deeper in my heart and life

I realized you never get over something like this, but you get through it by God's grace

I thanked God for laying the foundation in my life to allow me to trust Him when I was completely broken and helpless

I had faithful friends claim His promises for my family

I realized that it only takes a moment in time for your life to be radically changed forever

I prayed that God would use it all for His glory and His name even though I didn't understand

I began to see that God would be faithful to all his promises

I began to place all my hope in Him

I need Him today, just as much as I did two years ago.

We sang "Desert Song" this past Sunday at church and I've been singing it over and over since then....."All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship."

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Life this Spring

2010-04-27T21:37:00.003-05:00

Life has been full lately. I feel like I'm at a really good place. What does that mean? God continues to heal the deep places of my heart and is deepening my understanding of who He is in my life. I take him "out of the box" a little more everyday and see that nothing is too big for Him. If there is no box, then He's limitless. I limit Him by thinking He is only big enough to get us through the death of a child.....I think He's not big enough for anything else "really" hard. But He is. He is THAT mighty, and I can trust his heart.

I came home recently to find these in my kitchen.....

I guess that's what I should expect since I now live on land that has a barn. Of course, my farmer of a husband has them sitting in the middle of the kitchen and as I'm reading the brochure for their care it says "Do not keep the chicks where food is prepared." He has never been a rule follower. We now have 8 chickens, 2 itty bitty chicks and four ducks. The kids think they're great. I was done the second day when the house smelled like chicken poop. They were quickly moved to the barn and into their newly built chicken coop.

We spent Easter in Butler this year and celebrated Mary Blake's 14th birthday. Then, we made a very last minute plan and went to Chicago for Spring Break. It was a great trip in every way. Billy and Holden went to a Cub's game, Elley and I rode the train to Chicago and went to the American Girl store...exciting stuff for a 4 year old. We had great weather, enjoyed the parks and catching up with dear friends. And one of the highlights was staying with the Albaughs....some of the BEST people I know!

John Hunt (missionary from Thailand) came for a visit

God is at work in my heart is such huge ways....placing a calling down deep. I can't wait to tell you more but for now I'll give you a hint......John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

Ezekiel 36:25-28 "I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; You will be my people and I WILL BE your God."

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Broken Hallelujah

2010-03-07T16:36:00.003-06:00

Hello!

Do you know Mandisa? She was one of the top twelve on American Idol a few seasons back and a friend gave me her CD last year. Her song "Broken Hallelujah" is one of my favorites. The chorus says

"When all that I can sing
is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give you thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah"

That describes how I feel most days. It describes how I feel today when it's my daughters birthday and she's not here to blow out six candles.

I'll be honest, sometimes, depending on the person and what frame of mind I'm in, I can get frustrated when people say,
"But she's celebrating with the King. We'll see her again." I feel like Sally Field on Steal Magnolias when she's standing with her friends after her daughters funeral. Please tell me you've seen that movie! It's on my list of favorites. I KNOW she is celebrating in heaven but some days the church answer is just not what I want to hear and it doesn't bring comfort for the here and now when I want to hold her.

Days like today are hard, but God has done so much in my heart the past two years and I know and trust He will carry us through another birthday.

I went on a Women's Retreat about a month ago and it was amazing. Our speaker was Nancy Guthrie (google her if you don't know her story) and literally everything she said impacted me. One of her statements is something God has been showing me the past few months as I deal with my expectations of Him. I can't remember if I've shared this before on here but I know I've told several friends. Long before Alaina died, deep down, I always wanted God to make my life easy. It was easy to follow and trust Him when life was "good." Since Alaina died, so often, I expect Him to give us an easy life since we've suffered in such big ways. Just don't allow anything else really hard and I think we'll be ok.

Here is what Nancy said "When you look at the cross, you can no longer RESENT that He hasn't made your life comfortable."

"His purpose is to purify and empower us to place ALL our hope in His promises of the age to come."

"Stop grasping for what is temporary. Adjust your expectations for God to(always) come through with what is physical." Think about that for a minute. What are the primary things we pray for in a room full of people....physical needs, sick people.
But what about our deadly sin disease? Nancy shared that the bigger purpose of Jesus healing ministry was to draw others into a deeper understanding of their SPIRITUAL need. He intends to heal our deadliest disease, our sin sickness. He began to heal us at the cross and He will bring it to completion at the Resurrection.

"What we need most is to be filled with a deep confidence in the character of our Father."

The truth is, I want a deep relationship with God but I don't want to go through hard things to get there. But I don't think you can separate the two.

Jesus speaks through his word that "I will be enough for you in the pain I do not take away." That is by far the biggest promise I've had to rest in. "Jesus responds by always giving us more of Himself, not necessarily escape from the pain."

"Christ's power moves in and makes us joyful in the midst of our pain."

Ultimately, "God has said "YES" to our(Hope Atchison's) deepest need in Christ Jesus." My deepest need is not to have an easy christian life, there is no such thing. My deepest need has been taken care of at the cross.

All of this doesn't make me miss her any less, but these truths give me hope for the life ahead of me. It raises my perspective to eternal vs. temporal. I so often focus on the temporary. Hope- "An expectation of good above what we can currently see."

"There is something infinitely more important to Him than protecting me from physical harm(or giving me an easy life, free from suffering). He understands the big picture. It's my soul that He's concerned about."

"We go to God's word to see what He says about Himself, not about what we want Him to be."

We were challenged to ask God for eyes of faith to grab hold of his promises, cherish them, and live in light of them.

I'm sure you've seen the book "Your Best Life Now." This will never be our best life. Nancy reminded us that our BEST life is reserved for heaven and this life will never measure up. Here and now, we have ONLY tastes and glimpses of our best life....Lord, help me to live as a pilgrim here.

So much of the way we think about and view God is just bad theology. It's a radical way of thinking to consider, as Paul Tripp says, that God allowing REALLY hard and painful circumstances into our lives is still His grace....a deeper shade of grace because of the things he does in our lives THROUGH the pain. I won't ever understand it completely or even like it, but I will accept it by faith, and trust him.

There have been so many tears, questions, emotions, fears, but I can clearly see the ways he has used everything to call me to something deeper, given me fresh perspective, caused me to trust him, helped me to be honest about my thoughts, given me deeper relationships, held my marriage together, helped me to not lose it when my children make huge messes(like emptying an entire container of Vaseline in the bathtub) and on and on and on. "Sometimes he glorifies himself by delivering us FROM the weakness and sometimes he glorifies himself by delivering us THROUGH the weakness."

I'm simply thankful today for a God who has patiently loved me through this pain, cared for me despite my unbelief and fear, continues to draw me, and has given EXTRA, deeper grace for every single step. I'm beyond thankful for the finished work on the cross and his promise to complete the work he started in me until the day of Christ Jesus. I will never be the same because he has been( has HAD to be) so big in my life!

Sometimes

2010-01-17T21:11:00.005-06:00

Sometimes I want to write out my thoughts, but am just too busy with life, and my window of time to sit and type is limited. And so much has gone on in my little brain over the last few months that I'm not sure where to even start.

Sometimes I can't look at Alaina's pictures for very long because it hurts too much. But sometimes I can stare and smile and remember and it makes me say "Come quickly Lord Jesus!"

Sometimes I think her death has made me a better mother and caused me to be more patient and let go of the things that I think are a big deal (like what people think of me or my children) but sometimes I forget so quickly how short this life is and I get caught up in NON eternal things and lose sight of matters of the heart.

Sometimes I'm caught off guard when Elley says "God is mean, I'm kind of mad at God. Why did Alaina have to go to heaven?" And then I wonder why that suprises me since I have the same thoughts, and I can be honest with my children about those feelings and remind them and myself of my need for a Savior.

Sometimes I don't like my story. I don't like what God has written so far. Sometimes I'm really really sad about it and think this is in no way good for my life.

Sometimes when my children get sick I have lots of fear. I realize I've been shaking my fist at God and in my heart saying "Don't you dare! Don't take another one because I don't want you to have to be that big in my life." I see that there is so much freedom that comes from being honest with Him and knowing that he can handle my unbelief and love me anyway and work in my heart to cause me to trust him. I know it is not about just "trying harder" not to feel that way. He will supply the grace and do the work in my heart. And oh yeah, then I remember that I'm not God, I don't get to plan my life.

Sometimes I sit and daydream about what he is calling our family to be/do. I just want to be obedient to what he has for us and I remember that this suffering is part of the calling, but I wonder what he has for us beyond the suffering. I don't want to just live in my christian bubble and be comfortable. I don't want my children to either.

Sometimes I cry when I see little Kindergarten girls with their backpacks and I picture Alaina walking and laughing, and the void in my life is so huge, and then I am reminded of just how much I take for granted.

Sometimes I can be so self focused and forget there is a world that so desperately needs the gospel of GRACE.

Sometimes I forget how much I need the gospel of grace. Sometimes I don't love unconditionaly, I love based on how well my children "behaved" that day. And I realize I am not loving them the same way God loves me.

Sometimes I start living like this world is all there is.

But sometimes, when I step back and really think about all God has done and I look at pictures like these, I am truly thankful. Loving, servant hearted parents, friends who love us no matter what and who have walked this road with us so faithfully, three special children still to parent and love here, and one deeply loved daughter who is waiting on us in heaven.

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Here's a recap of the last few months in pictures

View from my back door

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DISNEY 2009 with McLendons and Werneths

Elley at the princess lunch

Holden at Hoopty Do Review

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Thanksgiving in North Carolina with Billy's grandmother

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Holden's 8th birthday

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Mary Helen's 2nd birthday and Christmas in Butler

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My mom said to tell you.....

2009-12-04T23:14:00.003-06:00

She remembers in the last post that she wrote "Be Back Soon!" and she hasn't been back soon.

She's tired. She has been to Disney and North Carolina (I bet you think she took me to Disney because of how I'm dressed, but she didn't) This was my Halloween outfit. My Mom left me with my Maw and Paw who I love WAY more than Disney!

And tonight she has a house full of little boys spending the night because today is my brother's birthday.

I keep my mom on her toes and contribute to her being tired. But she wouldn't trade me for anything.

My mom has a lot more she wants to share...(maybe) soon

A Country Girl Can Survive

2009-10-23T14:24:00.009-05:00

Here is where our story of life in the country(KIND OF) begins........ make sure you pause the blog music and then CLICK BELOW.

YouTube - part 2 epic Painfully Honest and Epic Mobile Home Commercial www.freeusadrugplan.com/u489

Part 1: Our family was destined for the country. Billy grew up as a surfer kid in Florida but you would never know it by looking at him. If you're at all observant you will notice in most of our children's birthday pictures he is not wearing a shirt as he's carrying the birthday cake OR he's wearing overalls. And afterall, it was him that "talked me into" doing a redneck Christmas card in 2007. He even made us re-do the picture because he said I shouldn't be smiling, it wasn't the right "look."

Picture #1

#2- the winner

After we moved Billy said to me "THIS is where I was meant to be. I was meant for the country. Do you think I can glorify God by being on a tractor and bushhogging?" I hope so because here she is....Sometimes he even parks her in our front yard. Good times.

We have come a long way....especialy with our yard

This is what it looked like right after they moved the trailer...

Now we have lots of grass....

The country is very kid friendly....

If you come visit us, we can show you these....

Our friends really like it here too...

Be back soon!

It was Happy

2009-08-31T13:43:00.003-05:00

It was a lot of work for just two hours but worth the effort! This was our first big "friend" party for Elley since we've always just done family stuff. She had a great time with her friends and it was fun to take it all in and watch their faces...when I wasn't being the party manager. Billy was the entertainer in the water for ALL the kids :)

We had pizza and cake, icecream and presents, and then I thought "It's time to go already?!" But, my philosophy has always been that it's better to end while everyone is still having a good time and before the kids start "melting down."

ok, next post WILL BE all about our life in the country. Stay tuned.

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2009-08-14T20:22:00.008-05:00

Hello out there. We made it through the first week of school and managed to get everybody where they needed to be so now I can give you a little update.

We had a great end to our summer with a visit from cousins. I had fun loving on the girls while Karen and Jeff (sister-in-law, brother-in-law) took Holden home with them.. As with most situations there is some sadness that goes with it. You know what I'm going to say...see Lew in the picture below....I miss her even more when we're with people she loved so much. My flesh screams that she should be here enjoying her cousins with the rest of us. It is a continuous struggle. By the way, my pastor's wife, Karen, from Chicago sent me an incredible CD called "Disappointment, Now what?" Paul Tripp is the speaker and Karen was right when she said it was the best she ever heard on the topic of disappointment and suffering. I can't even begin to do it justice to tell you what all he said, but as I listened I was incredibly challenged, encouraged, and once again given hope. I'll try to download it on here if you'd like to listen. Correction, I'll get Billy to download it...I would have no clue how to do it. I'll get back you on that.

Anyway, one of the biggest things the teaching from this CD made me realize is that my suffering is a CALLING. It's not an exciting or easy calling but is still part of the story God has written for me. I long to walk worthy of this calling and continue to accept it even though I would have never chosen it for my life. Another thing Paul Tripp addressed was that we're in a battle everyday. With our sufferings and disappointments we battle bitterness vs. acceptance....and our sufferings reveal the idols of our hearts. God alone should hold our hearts, not the things of this world. God has used the truths on this CD to continue to change my heart and the way I think about my walk with Him.

All in all we really had a good summer. Moving and unpacking took several weeks but we were still able to enjoy the pool and friends and grandparents and the beach. July 2 was hard. I felt very heavy all day as I replayed the day a year ago in my head. I remembered how horribly low I felt that afternoon in 2008. I struggled with fear this summer. Fear that something might happen to my other children when they were away from me and unbelief that God would be big enough if that happened. That could potentially be a life long struggle/battle.

So often I get so focused on my own grief that I forget my children struggle too, and they handle it so differently. When I drove to Indiana to get Holden and take the twins home, he had a hard time going to bed the first night. I layed down with him and he started crying, saying he missed Alaina. I said, "What made you think of her?" He shared a sweet memory and then said "I guess just being away from ya'll and when you come to get me you could get in a crash and die." Then he asked me on the way home if Billy was still alive. I hate that a seven year old boy has to deal with these issues. But it's a great opportunity to remind him of how much we both need Jesus. And I am able to share with him how I struggle with the exact same things. Pray for his heart if you think about it. (and Elley's)

Alaina with Caroline and Rachel in 2006......

August 2009....

They loved the Aquatic Center

Billy took lots of little ladies out on the town for a date....

We spent one day at Smith Lake

ok, next post maybe I can show you some pictures of our fine lookin doublewide...on the inside and not in two pieces. And, I'll try to download the Paul Tripp CD for those who are interested. Better yet, if it's too complicated (time consuming) to download, I would love to mail you a copy of the CD. If you're interested you can email me or leave a comment. Trust me, it's a CD to listen to over and over...it is THAT good!

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Reasons I haven't been blogging

2009-07-28T22:28:00.003-05:00

The moving process...

Camping in Indiana with Chicago friends...

A visit from these ladies :)

The Beach (again!)

And a "trade off" with these sweeties. (Holden went to Indiana with Bethany and these girls are staying with me)

ok, I never have the energy to write anything after posting all these pictures, so I'll be back soon with a wordy update.

See you soon.....

Remembering with some favorites

2009-06-30T23:24:00.008-05:00

I wish all I could remember was the joy of her life. But the painful reality is that I remember almost every single detail of that awful. horrible, heartbreaking, confusing day of July 2 . So yes, the next few days will be hard, but we'll put one foot in front of the other and ask the Lord for continued GRACE and STRENGTH to get through it even when we don't "feel" like it. I'm just ready for the day to pass. I'm remembering my theme verse today....Could you remember it with me and claim it today and the days to come for our family....

Lamentations 3:21-25 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness...The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him.

HE ALONE IS OUR HOPE!

I'm so grateful that you've chosen to "walk" this road with me....even you stalkers out there :)

This will probably be my last post for the next few weeks. We're painting, cleaning, moving -so there's just too much going on to blog, but I'll be back.

2009-06-17T08:46:00.003-05:00

Beach Pictures followed by an Update.....

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2009-06-17T08:44:00.000-05:00

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2009-06-17T08:40:00.000-05:00

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2009-06-17T08:38:00.001-05:00

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2009-06-17T08:35:00.001-05:00

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2009-06-17T07:54:00.008-05:00

June 2008

Hey friends....

It's good to be prayed for. Thank you for your very kind comments. I'm doing "better" than I was a week ago. Somehow?? God has given me a little more room on my stress meter to handle this move. He gives grace for the moment and at this moment, right now, I think I'll get through another move. Not sure if I'll feel the same way tonight, but for now, I'm ok :) And as I think of July 2 approaching, I do realize that it's not the actual day that's anymore heartbreaking than any other...it's the hot weather, the swimming, the beach, the flipflops, the pink goggles...all reminders of the days leading up to July 2. It's the time of year. It's remembering. Yesterday as I was cleaning out my desk area I started reading cards that were sent the weeks after Alaina died and was so encouraged by SO many who were/are holding us up. And I thought "I know how I should spend July 2." It's not a day to celebrate..it could be a day to be very very depressed, but I want to spend it remembering her life...remembering God's faithfulness during this hardest year of my life, reflecting on all God has done this year and the ways He has used the body of believers to encourage us... and looking ahead to all God can do.

We had a really really, really good time at the beach...nobody wanted to leave :) We also visited an alligator farm while we were in St. Augustine...very interesting and kinda creepy but they loved it. Just knowing that those things will eat you if you fall in is disturbing.

And the moment you've all been waiting for....surely the next post will have pictures of our doublewide on our land, in its place, ready to move in. No rain, no rain, please no more rain so the thing can get moved out there and you can see it in all its glory. Please come visit us, we love company and there's room for you, the thing is like 2500 sq. ft. No kidding.

Gotta go...I'm officially packing today.

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2009-06-07T22:21:00.003-05:00

Ok people, I have lots of pictures to share and can't figure out how to get them all on one post without it taking FOREVER so they'll be divided up for your viewing pleasure. I'm so behind so I just tried to give you a quick "explanation" of each picture...kind of a man's version if you know what I mean.

We just got back from the beach but those pics will be for another post. I'm not sure where to begin with all I want/need to share...Do you have a few hours? I've had some hard days. I've had a HARD year. I'm tired. Tired of grieving. Tired of crying. Tired of fighting through the visions of July 2, 2008 over and over again. Tired of emotions and feelings catching me off guard, for example Elley's end of the year school program. As we were driving to the church I thought for the thousandth time that I wished we were going to watch two little girls instead of one. And I have to surrender for the bazillionth time. Before Elley's class the four year olds performed. I cried sitting there as they sang "She'll be coming around the mountain," one of Laina's favorites, and then listened as the teacher said "If you're the parent of a 4 year old, stand up, and they will find you." Then I watch as they all run to their parents, smiling and excited. And in that moment, my heart is breaking(again) and I want to scream....this is just too hard, why Lord? Why should any parent have to endure this? How can it be anything in that moment but heart....breaking? I'm tired of the heartbreak. I'm not giving up, just tired.

Yesterday was one of those days when I came to the end of myself and as I prayed all I could say was "Jesus, I need you." This morning as I thought and prayed some more I realized something about my stress. Grieving is so absolutely draining....physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. It has taken every bit of energy I have for almost a year now. We have purposely tried to avoid things that would create stress, like committing to things, people, etc. Well, this move that is approaching has created a new area of stress for me. I don't have any "room" on my "stress meter" for anything else and part of it gets down to one of my idles of wanting things to be easy. Moving is not easy. Getting land ready and putting in a road and all the time it will require of Billy is not easy. But we're right in the middle of it all and there's no turning back now. I am excited about being out there but it's the process that's exhausting...ESPECIALLY when you're still grieving, when your approaching the one year mark and everything is all too familiar and when you still listen to your kids say they wish their sister could come back. Otherwise it would just be a move, not really a big deal. But it's a big deal to me right now. That's where I am. I turned on the tv last night and it was on one of the church channels and a verse in Hebrews was on the screen....HE is the same yesterday, today and forever. He was God before we lost Laina. He is the same today with what I'm facing. He will be the same God tomorrow when I get up, and when we move, and when July 2 gets here and when I meet him in heaven. He does not change through all my shifting emotions, my highs and lows, which means his faithfulness, grace, mercy, character cannot change either. I cling to this HOPE. I cling to this God who does not change, who does not grow tired or weary.

Bye for now...be back soon with beach pics.

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2009-06-07T22:13:00.004-05:00

Good memories on this porch

Elley's program at school

2009-06-07T21:46:00.007-05:00

leaving this

2009-06-07T21:46:00.006-05:00

enjoying the new aquatic center

2009-06-07T21:35:00.006-05:00

Got rid of these

Finishd baseball

Owners of a doublewide

A Peek Into Heaven

2009-05-08T14:25:00.005-05:00

What I'm about to say is just an idea...I'm not saying this is fact because who really knows, but if heaven is truly how the bible describes then it helps me to live as a pilgrim in this world and let go of little things that really, in the scheme of eternity are not important (like painting my trailer before we move in). A dear woman in our church named Gloria Edwards went to heaven this past Saturday. This is the fact part. She was battling cancer and knew in the past month that her fight would soon be ending. Billy visited with her a few weeks ago. It seems the visit was encouraging for both of them. I just couldn't go. I kind of reasoned in my head that Billy was going for both of us. I wanted to say goodbye but just didn't want anything to do with death. Kind of ironic isn't it, because I wish deperately I could've said goodbye to Alaina. Anyway, Billy asked her questions like "Do you have any regrets looking back on your life? Are you scared?" etc. Then he asked her to do something....

"Could you find Alaina, this is what she looks like :) and hug her for me?" Gloria's response: "Nothing would thrill me more! He told Gloria about things that were special "Daddy things."

Gloria- "I'm going to find that little girl and we are going to have tea parties together!" She never met Alaina this side of heaven.

Again, I don't know if this is what it's like and it may sound corny to you, but I can dream, right? This is just not really something most people sit around and think about...unless you're longing for the place more everyday. I know it's wonderful.... and Billy and I said we wish we could "peek in" to see what she's doing....to see the brokeness of this fallen world made perfect and "right" again. Can she really be dancing with the King?

It's a beautiful thought isn't it...and to think it's even better than I imagine, now THAT gives me hope.

I had decided to go to Gloria's funeral but changed my mind at the last minute. I was in a "funk" that day...went to the strawberry patch with Elley and didn't want to make small talk with any of the other moms...didn't really want to talk to or even smile at anyone and I didn't care if I just stood there by myself. On the way home, I knew, I'm NOT going to a funeral today. Not today. I just can't. It's too familiar. It's OK not to go. Billy did go and he cried the whole time. It was REALLY hard. I don't have to tell you all the reasons why. You can imagine.

We've had some really great conversations about the purpose of life. It's a constant struggle thinking "Our life is just not going to be as good now that Alaina is gone." I mean, our life can still be good but not AS good. But I think this is a worldly way of thinking. If the purpose of life is to glorify God by knowing him and enjoying him forever, then he is fulfilling his GOOD purpose and plan for our lives. I can truly believe the verse that says "ALL things work togehter for the good of those who love him." I don't have to believe that all things are good, but he works it out FOR our good. There's a difference. Make sense? If life is about becoming like him, then He's using this in our life in a way we never imagined. Now yes, he could use anything to make us like Jesus, but it seems that he often uses the really painful, the heartbreaking, to accomplish his plan. It's a mystery that I don't understand and don't like but one that I will accept. I know I've said that before but it's something I preach to myself. And that's nothing of me, it's all a work of his grace. If it were up to me I think I would dwell in a state of hopelessness a lot of the time.

But I hope in his word- John 17:3 "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."

1 Thessalonians4:13-18

"Brothers, we do not want to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."

One of my favorite worship songs, we sang it at Alaina's funeral. "There is a day, that all creations waiting for, a day of freedom and liberation from the earth. And on that day He will come to meet his bride, for we will see him and in an instant we'll be changed....We will meet him in the air, and we will be like him for we will see him as he is, oh yeah...then all hurt and pain will cease and we'll be with him forever and in his presence we will live, oh yeah, oh yeah!"

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2009-04-23T21:01:00.002-05:00

Hey friends....

Company, Easter and Spring Break are to blame for the lack of posts. Well, and doublewide shopping. I know all about doublewides now. You have your three, four or five, yes five bedrooms....most complete with the garden tub and, of course, carpet in the bathrooms. I've sort of been on a roller coaster today. Billy takes me to one he found and it needs a LOT of work. Smells like smoke, needs new paint, awful carpet, and the whole time I'm saying "in my head"...just look past it, look past it, think about what it COULD look like." Then I start thinking about the time it will take to re-do this thing and it can become overwhelming. OK, so I'm thinking I can do it....after all, before and afters are really fun (when it's someone else's :) Then, Billy calls and says he has found another one that's already had most of the work done on the inside and is in much better shape. So we load up Holden and Mary Helen (Elley is at my parents) and ride the little golf cart around the "mobile home place" and he shows us the one he NOW has in mind. It was by far my favorite of the ones we've seen. So now I'm having a hard time going back to the really dumpy one :) This is a great lesson for me about wants and needs. I know we've joked a lot about living in a trailer but when I think about what millions of people "live" in I should be thankful we have shelter. Seriously, I have nothing to complain about and it's a good reminder to give thanks and be content. I'm trying to take one day at a time but there's so much going on. We're closing on the land tomorrow, moving soon, just put the house we're renting on the market, thinking about Holden going to public school next year...there's a lot swirling in my brain... and all this while still grieving the loss of a little girl.

At the same time though, I feel like we're coming through the fog a little bit. ( a friend described it that way and I thought it was a great word picture) I'm NOT going to feel guilty about what I've done or left undone the past year. We've just been fighting to survive... but I do feel like God is calling me to something deeper, especially with my children. I say all this not in a "I've failed to do this or that" kind of way but in a way that I feel challenged and excited to move forward. More than anything I want my children to love the Lord, to serve and put others before themselves, to NOT have an "I deserve" mentality. I realize that I need to live out the theme of my blog...the gospel is for "along the road", life on life, talking about eternal things when we're driving to school or going to a baseball game. I don't wanna wait until it's bedtime and then we have our "devotion." It's impacting a watching world but not in a "I'm in my little christian bubble" kind of way. After Easter I kept thinking about the time I spent shopping for little things to go in their Easter baskets and all the time it took me to stuff Easter eggs for all their egg hunts and how little time I spent talking with them about Jesus dying for them. They need to hear again and again, and SO DO I that "Holden, that's why he had to die, so you could be forgiven of all the times you're selfish and unkind to your sisters or disrespectful to your mom." I feel challenged to be more deliberate and not just let the day pass me by because I'm so busy with OTHER things and unconcerned with their hearts and my own. I say all this with freedom, knowing that it is God's job to change their hearts, but I know He has given me a part in it too. I want to do my part!

I'll keep you posted on our doublewide purchase....

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Here's what we've been up to...words to follow soon :)

2009-04-22T23:17:00.021-05:00

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Helping me Fight

2009-03-26T18:42:00.008-05:00

***You'll understand the pictures when you finish reading........

This is just another glimpse into why I need you to help me "stand on the Word."

March 26, 2009
Today I see a van that looks like our old one...the one we had in Chicago. I never told you about us selling that van a few months after we moved to Cullman. When I saw the guy that bought it driving away I cried. It's like a piece of us was driving away...another piece that reminded me of Alaina...looking back at her falling asleep on the way home from Children's Day Out or listening to her laugh with Holden when they heard the mice chattering on the Cinderella song. The van symbolized those things. For a moment today when I saw the van, I hated our Suburban. I just wanted that old green van back. I know it's not about the van, it's about the little girl that rode everywhere with us. As I got into the Suburban I thought again how hard it is to surrender. There is absolutely nothing I can do to get her back here. I know the right answer so please don't tell me that I wouldn't want her to come back if I could see how perfect she is. Just claim the Word for me. Pray that I will continue to stand on His promises.

Also today: Mary Helen is sick...fever is up to 103.7 (again) . I have the thought over and over again that she could die today. What am I going to see when I look in her crib? Fear creeps in, no it doesn't creep, it just knocks me down. I can't do this again, Lord.

Yesterday, out of the blue, Holden says "Mama when you found Alaina dead, was she on the floor?" It's hard to go on with a normal conversation after a question like that. It's very sad to me and not fair that a seven year old little boy has to ask that....and it lets me know he is thinking about it so much more than he verbalizes. I'm not telling you these things for you to feel sorry for me. I'm telling you because I need you to continue to fight with me, just as hard as you did on July 2. I'm telling you so that you will know how to pray specifically. "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that you may have life." John 10:10

I also don't want to make you think that I'm walking around depressed all day. I/We have lots of great moments, lots of laughter.....but some other moments are really a struggle...like the examples above. I'm just trying to "let you in."

***********Ok switch gears with me to some news that doesn't involve tears....

We're moving to the country. This is exciting news for the Atchisons, especially Billy Atchison since this has been a life long dream of his. Don't you see all the pictures of him in overalls on this blog? We're hoping to live in a "mobile home" aka "double wide" until we can build a house. I know you Chicago friends are chuckling inside! Hopefully we can move this summer. We would love to build our "forever" house here. I think it's about 38 acres complete with a barn, cows and a few ponds.

Lamentations 3:21-23!!!

Claim His promises for me

2009-03-16T17:02:00.006-05:00

Psalm 94:17-19 Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, "My foot is slipping, your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Today friends, today I need you to claim some promises for me... for the gripping moments when I am not able. This picture you see is one that's on my bed side table and I see it every night before I go to bed. Sometimes it's so painful to look at her pictures and other times it makes me smile. Last night was rough and parts of today as I saw her pictures....last night I cried a long time before I finally fell asleep....cried so long my pillow was wet. I layed there wrestling with my thoughts and asking God again why he chose us for this path. I wanted to fall asleep and forget about it for a little while, but I couldn't so I just "let it all out." I can't really describe what "it" is. Maybe it's a combination of tears that I don't want my children to see on a daily basis...the frustration and grief of missing her so terribly...the pain I feel way down deep, that maybe I only get to the core of every now and then, and last night was one to those times. Sometimes the pain feels the same way it did eight months ago and that's discouraging. So, for all of you who have asked what you can pray for me, today, here it is....

My theme verse of hope: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are NEW EVERY MORNING; great is your faithfulness...The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:21-25

Hebrews 12:2-3 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. CONSIDER HIM who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

2009-03-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

March 8, 2009

2009-03-13T15:42:00.004-05:00

I realized on Sunday, Alaina's birthday, that the anticipation of the day was much harder than the actual day. It's like when you're going to talk in front of a group of people and you feel nervous just before you're about to stand up...but when you actually start talking, the nervous feeling goes away and there's a calm. Sunday morning I kind of felt numb, like I couldn't be joyful or sad, I felt like I couldn't cry even it I wanted to. As the day went on, I kept thinking "I can tell many are praying for us today." There really was a sense of peace throughout our day. If I believe what the bible says about heaven, then there's no way any birthday party on this earth can compare. The problem is that I wanted to celebrate with her for many more years and then God could take me home first. But that's not how he chose our story to go and as hard as it is to accept, I can trust that He is God and I am not.

We went to church Sunday morning and I really didn't want to go because other than our close friends nobody knew it was her birthday. I've realized how much it means to me for others to remember her. After worship, all our close friends literally surrounded us and said they were praying and they loved us ....and at that moment we really "felt" loved. One friend said "I looked at your blog last night and I wish I could have known her. She seemed like so much fun!" Billy says he thinks this is one of the best things someone could say and I agree! I knew someone said something encouraging because I looked over at him (in another conversation) and he was sobbing. An "extra layer "of our grief that we have to work through is that no one here knew her. They don't "see" our loss as much as the families we've lived with the past three years....and now we don't live with those families anymore. Every time we're together with our friends here my natural tendency is to picture Alaina among them. I know they wanted to know her and I wish they had. She would LOVE our friends and their children.

Hurricane Creek Park was great....beautiful weather, beautiful scenery, and the kids loved it. I'm very glad we went.

Thank you so much to all of you who sent cards, emails, etc. as an extra reminder that you were praying for us on the days surrounding her birthday. Many of you have said to me that you wish you could take, or carry some of our pain. When you remember Alaina, when you send me an email or card or call me, or whatever you do to reach out to us, you ARE carrying some of our pain. You are helping to shoulder this burden. I know you don't feel like you are but I wouldn't say it if it weren't true. I'm beyond blessed and thankful that you have chosen to walk this road with us.

love,
Hope

Her birthday

2009-03-06T21:53:00.011-06:00

I really didn't want to do this post. The minute I started I could feel that tightness in my throat and heaviness in my chest. Obviously, I would give anything to be planning her a fun and girly five year old birthday party but instead I'm trying to figure out how to spend it without her. Honestly, this is harder than Christmas or Thanksgiving. Your birthday is all about celebrating YOU. This was her day and instead of celebrating, we're sad and lonely. I know I will see her again but that day just seems so so so far away and it's hard not to think about it from an earthly perspective. It has been a tough week for Billy...he has cried many times and he asks me "why do you think I'm like this, I can just think about her for one second and if I keep thinking about it, I cry." This is just how grief is. You're "ok" for a while and then it hits you again harder than the time before. Grief is complicated that way.

Please just say an "extra" prayer for us the next few days. We've decided to just keep it simple on Sunday. We're staying in town and going to Hurricane Creek Park for a picnic and hike. It's a beautiful place with waterfalls, caves, streams, etc. The kids love going there and I know Alaina would've loved it too. I believe fully that Jesus will meet us where we are in our hurt as he has always done. I will continue to trust but I need his extra grace to do it.

The pictures above are from her 3 and 4 year birthday........

I hope you can hear this song from my playlist, it has been one of my favorites along this road.

Good Days..Fearful Days...Tearful Days...Snow Days

2009-03-02T20:30:00.009-06:00

Good Days: The kids and Billy made me breakfast in bed. They make me smile.

Fearful Days: There's a crazy man in Cullman who has been attacking women and his sketch is all over the place and it says "Women Beware!" I've been paranoid Polly. Billy was out of town all last week and we spent the night with friends three nights in a row. I think he's hiding in my garage.

Tearful Days: Because they say this crazy/scary man is just walking into peoples homes(Because this never happens here and people in Cullman just leave their doors unlocked) and because WE have never locked our doors since we've moved here...all of a sudden, OF COURSE, I'm locking my doors. Because this isn't a normal habit, I locked myself out TWO times in one day last week and AGAIN the next day. Then I cried(when you're so frustrated and it's all you can do) in front of the man trying to pick my lock. (Thanks Andy) Finally, my car battery died and we were stuck in the driveway with psycho guy on the loose....probably watching us from the garage......

Snow Days: It snowed, surprisingly enough to cover the grass completely! Made me miss Chicago. The kids didn't know what to think about it melting in just one day.

***Because of the weather, First Baptist cancelled their services so we didn't share on Sunday. But thanks for praying anyway! I'll let you know if we reschedule.

*********I looked back at these pictures. Don't enlarge the one of me with my breakfast. Well, I know now that you will just because I told you not to! I have food all in my teeth. Sorry ;) Just wanted you to know that I noticed so you wouldn't feel sorry for me :)

Atchison Update

2009-02-24T13:50:00.007-06:00

If you've been reading this blog for a while you probably remember me comparing our pain to an arm or leg being amputated. You use your arms and legs everyday and to be forced all of a sudden to live without them is pretty difficult. It's a long, hard process to begin to adjust. You feel it everyday, the loss. You wish you had your arm because life wouldn't be as hard. So, where are we in this healing process? It's hard to say, but I will tell you that we still have some very hard moments...the ache isn't as intense as it was those first few weeks, but it's still there and I guess always will be to some extent. I still have nights when I don't want to go to bed because I know the battle that is ahead in my mind. I know it will be a struggle when the house is completely silent and I'm alone with my thoughts. I know that if I think about it long enough I will cry myself to sleep. Maybe we're at the point where the bandages have been removed but the scar is right there on the surface for all to see. Sometimes you don't want to "practice" doing things without your arm....you just want to sit and think about how much easier things were when you had it. But God always gently and faithfully reminds you of his Sovereignty and his goodness...and by his grace you choose to continue fighting. He has expanded my eternal perspective and if I keep this before me I can truly have joy. I have a new way of thinking about suffering and trials. When the bible says "Give thanks in all circumstances" and "count it all joy when you face trials" I think it's really saying to shift our focus....I don't think God is calling me to be joyful about losing Alaina, to count it joy that I had to find her that morning...I think He's calling me to look to Him for my joy. To give thanks for who He is in the midst of the most horrible of circumstances...to give thanks that He is mighty enough to carry our burden even though we can't see or feel Him. That He is able to give me faith to believe that His promises are true. Like Billy says, "we're banking our whole lives on this." I'm not trying to make it sound like my struggle is always in this neat little package.... that I wrestle with God and doubt and then he reminds me of what is true and things are better. I DO get frustrated with God. I expect him to make my life easy now that we've been through something this hard....like I deserve it now. I think our kids should never be sick so we won't have to worry...just don't allow anything else in my life to be hard...that's what my flesh screams. But God says in his word that one of the roles of the Holy Spirit is to "remind us of all truth." So I know that when I do have right perspective it's not coming from anything I've mustered up. It's all the work of the Spirit. It's messy, but He always brings me back. It's his job. I've learned to be honest about how I feel and to speak it out loud. God can handle it.

He has given us lots of opportunity for laughter. Billy and I went to Fairhope a few weeks ago without the kids and our camping trip this past weekend was one of my favorites. I am more thankful everyday for the relationships God has given us and for the faithful friends who have "been there" with us and continue to walk with us. We're not alone....I see it as another means of grace that God has provided. Billy always loves to say that life is all about relationships...our relationship with God and relationship with other people. We want to give our lives to these relationships and pray that God will keep before us what really matters and help us not get caught up in the things that don't.

A few things you can pray for us: Alaina's birthday is March 8 and we're trying to decide what that day should look like. I think we'll try to get away and do something as a family.

This Sunday Billy and I are sharing our story with a Sunday school class at First Baptist here in Cullman. This will be my first time to share in front of a group, and most of the people in the class I've never met. Will you pray that God would grant us wisdom with what to share and that it wouldn't be about US. I know the details involve us but I want the story to point others to Jesus. It's not about the Atchisons.

Romans 11:33-36
"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgements, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has given to God, that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen

This, That and the Other

2009-02-23T10:22:00.012-06:00

Just for fun

They've been there in our darkest days

Birthday dinner with Fairhope friends

This little peanut brightens my day

view from my porch...."the heavens declare the glory of God."

My heart is heavy

2009-02-07T17:10:00.003-06:00

I know you've seen this picture here before but it's one of my favorite. The same photographer that took Elley and Mary Helen's pictures back in October lightened this up for me and thought they turned out beautiful..... that sweet, peaceful face. This was one of the last pictures I took of Laina(yes, I meant to leave off the A since that's what Elley calls her) and on this day it was a stress free photo session. We were in Florida with my mother in law and Holden, Lew and Elley were all running around outside by this lake so I grabbed my camera and started snapping. I never told them to look at the camera or smile because it never fails...that always seems to create stress. I just let them "be." I can't say anymore right now, it's just almost unbearable at the moment.

Well, one last thing. To all my faithful commenters, I want to say Thank You! I continued this blog after Laina died because I truly wanted to let you in on this journey. The past few years God has really been teaching me the value of being "real" and authentic (same thing :) This is one of the things I value MOST in others and so I have prayed that God would make it true of my life. So, although it's not about your comments, they really do encourage me. You know what, it's not really even what you say it's just that you take the time to say anything at all...even if it's just "I'm praying" or "I'm remembering Alaina today." What I'm trying to say is that it's very meaningful when you feel like your pain is acknowledged....that it's not forgotten. If I continued to pour my heart out to you and you never responded, well, that would be like me pouring my heart out to Billy and him just staring at me. Does that make sense? So just know that I always value what you say and it means the world to me that you are remembering my family and my Laina.

A weekend of Hope

2009-01-27T13:33:00.008-06:00

Why do our kids injure themselves and need stitches when their parents are trying to leave town? This time it was Elley. It took Billy, me, my Dad and the nurse to hold Elley down while she screamed for 2o minutes and the Dr. gave three stitches. You would've thought it was 23 from the way she was screaming. I was sweating when we left the Urgent Care....Let me back up and set the scene for you.....I wasn't feeling good Friday so I was trying to rest as long as I could before we needed to catch our flight. So I'm in the shower and I hear Elley walking through the house crying (loud) and I hear Billy say "Babe, we might need some stitches." I quickly try to get ready and pack and I meet my Dad and Billy at Urgent care. Thankfully, when I got there, they already had Elley in a room and I was shocked to see how calm she was. She was laying on the table "practicing" what the nurse was telling her to do when the Dr. got there. As soon as the Dr. came in, she freaked. And thus the twenty or so minutes of torture. Do you see why I was stressed and sweating? As soon as we were done her Paw was taking her to get a milkshake and Billy and I were headed to the airport in kind of a stressball. :) We were fine by the time we got on the plane....well sort of. I was still pretty achy and not feeling 100% so I just kept taking Tylenol and Advil all weekend.

Friday night we had dinner with friends and about the time dessert was being served some of them looked at me and said "maybe you should go lay down." I slept in my clothes that night.....but felt better the next morning. This next part was the highlight of my trip. My friends encouraged me with a lunch on Saturday...truly they gave me courage to keep going. Guess what the theme was.....Hope. But it wasn't about me. It pointed me to Him, my true source of Hope. The tables were beautifully decorated, the food was great, but the best thing was feeling so loved by these women. We gathered in the family room and they read aloud verses that are about hope....Some of my favorites were

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure...." Hebrews 6:19

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." Philippians 1:20

They filled a "hope" chest full of CDs, cards, goodies to help me when I need to be reminded of who God is, that He is my God of Hope and He can carry me this year and the years to come as I trust in Him. We ended with them all surrounding me in prayer. I felt so small. God was big. He was faithful enough to bring just the right friends into my life who loved me just the way I needed to be loved. Friends who point me to Jesus. Thank you just doesn't begin to express my heart about the whole thing. It was so special and I'll never forget the day. They sent me away with God's word. It's living and active. I have CD's , note cards, stationary...all with the promises of God to remind me daily of what this life is about.

So it came down to going to Yorkville to see our old house OR going to see my friend Alysia who had a baby on Friday(the day we got there) I told Billy I'd rather see her in the hospital, so he went to Yorkville with our dear friend Mr. Albaugh :) It was a hard trip for Billy, as I expected it would be. He has said to me several times that he has a hard time remembering things about Alaina....sometimes the grief just "takes over" and all you can think about is the loss, you can't remember the great things. He said when he got to our old Culdesac, many of those memories came flooding back. Great memories. He remembered her riding around and around the circle with her pink helmet. He saw where they flew kites together. He cried...deeply, because even though the memories are wonderful they bring the ache deep within the soul...you just want to go back to that time so bad but you can't and you have no control. You just miss her so much all over again.

Worship on Sunday was as always, awesome. Keith(if you're reading) thank you so much for all the thought and planning that you put into a Sunday morning. I know it's not about us but you always lead so beautifully and point me to Jesus in the way you worship. I didn't make it through many of the songs without crying...missing Lew but proclaiming in my heart what is true. "How marvelous, how wonderful, and my song shall ever be, how marvelous, how wonderful is my Saviours love for me."

When we got on the plane, I sat down behind Billy and thought..."I'm so proud of him.....I'm so thankful to be married to this man." He spoke to around 100 men on Saturday morning and shared our story. I know they were blessed and encouraged. He has come so far. I've seen him in the worst moments of his life and I've been privileged to watch God begin to heal and work in his heart. How can God take something so horrible and use it for good in our lives and in the lives of others. I don't know.... but by His grace He chooses to use even the ugly and the painful.

This verse keeps popping up over and over...my friend Caroline used it in a comment she left and I love how she inserted the (how?)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope (HOW?) by the power of the Holy Spirit which we hope." Romans 15:13

That's how he chooses to "work all things together for the good of those who love him".... by His Spirit that is at work in our lives, to produce joy, peace, HOPE for the hard days ahead.

Thank you, precious friends, for walking this road with me.....Thank you for giving me hope.

Will you pray?

2009-01-20T20:54:00.005-06:00

ANOTHER REQUEST ***** I'm really not feeling well. Billy and Holden had the stomach bug 2 days ago and I don't really have those symptoms I'm just feeling really achy and run down. Maybe my body is just trying to fight it off. My parents are here and our flight doesn't leave until 2:00 today so I can rest this morning. I REALLY don't want to feel like this on our trip on top of everything else, so again, will you please pray?

First of all, I love this picture.(click on it to enlarge) When you take young children out for a sledding day it can be a great day or it can be, well, not so great. After you spend at least an hour getting everyone dressed and layered it only takes one fall or one time of the gloves falling off and the meltdowns begin. Clearly in this picture it was not a great outing. Holden has given up and both girls are sobbing. Billy said Holden was mad because the girls didn't want to go down the "big" hill and he's pouting because now they're stuck on the "easy" hill since it isn't steep enough. They should've listened to their brother this time. This is what it's like in Chicago right now. See (Alabama friends) don't you wish we could have at least a few days when there is snow covering the ground. I do.

ok, about praying. Please pray for us this weekend. We're headed to Chicago on Friday and Billy will be speaking at a Men's Prayer Breakfast at our old church. He's nervous and he doesn't really get nervous. I'm just tagging along. I will get good time with friends and just enjoy catching up. I would love it if you would commit to pray. It's hard going back to a place you loved so much...good but hard. And obviously the weight of going back after losing Alaina adds another layer. We've talked about going to our old house and I know that will be painful.... even as I type the words I can feel the tears coming. She left her mark. Her mark is there. Her life was there. But her mark is here too. It makes me sad that my Cullman friends never knew her. They didn't get to see how much fun she was and how she could light up a room. But I've realized the past few weeks that Elley is so much like Alaina. She's spunky and determined but fun and lovable. She will sing as loud as she can and make up the words as she goes. She learned that from Alaina. So my friends can watch Elley and get to see much of Alaina's personality. Do you know it's so good for me to type her name? It may seem weird to you but even things like writing out my Target lists are sometimes hard. Because I don't write Alaina's name on the list. There's nothing I need to get for her anymore. Does that make sense? Emotions are such hard things to "deal" with. We watched a little video yesterday of when Alaina turned three and it was so HARD to watch. But at the same time I loved it because I could hear her voice and watch her laugh. That's why I have such mixed emotions about going to our old house. The memories are all great but that's why it's so painful. That was our life WITH her and now we must learn to live without. And learning, I guess is a life long journey and struggle.

I'm going to bed. We've joined a gym and I've been going EARLY (6:30am) to exercise. I'm tired...this body is screaming "What are you doing to me?" I haven't consistently exercised in forever so it's about time! That's another thing you can pray for me :)

The little gift I told you about in the previous post....

2009-01-08T20:17:00.001-06:00

Closing that door

2009-01-07T22:54:00.002-06:00

ok people...that was a lot of pictures. Honestly, I just couldn't leave any out because in every single one of them I see Hope. Smiling, delight, joy, laughter...and it helps me with perspective for the long haul. This is a long, hard road... I need all the help I can get and it seems that God shows me His grace through our pictures and I can see for myself that we are going to be ok. It really was a good Christmas. Of course, we had our moments but overall I was overwhelmed with God's goodness and how once again he carried us through a holiday without Alaina. I was continually reminded that because of what we celebrate at Christmas is the very reason I can keep going....This Savior that came into the world and because of His sacrifice I will one day hold my oldest daughter again...truly, I can think of no greater joy other than seeing Jesus face to face.

The gospel has never been more real to me. One of the things I wrestle with is the fact that Alaina was alone when she died. Did she call out for me? Was she suffering? Did she wonder where we were? Why couldn't I be there to hold her? Why did it have to be like that? It's just horrible all the places your mind goes. Then I stop and think about God WILLINGLY watching his Son suffer on the cross for the sin of the world and I am AMAZED at this kind of sacrificial love. And to think that he died for all the yuck that's in my heart...really amazing.

My trip to Butler wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. The first day was the hardest, obviously. The day we got there we stopped at the cemetery before going to my parents. We didn't stay long...I find little comfort from being there...just deep sadness. A friend here in Cullman shared something at our bible study that helped me during these days in Butler. She said she heard a retreat speaker explain once that when we're distracted in our quiet time with the Lord (like the phone ringing or we can't seem to focus because our mind is wandering) to just say out loud "I'm closing that door." And every time a distraction comes just continue to say "No, I'm closing that door." This was huge for me. All throughout the week, I had the hard memories in front of me and I kept praying over and over..."Lord, help me to close that door!" I saw the place where I stood when my Dad told me Alaina was gone and I said "I'm closing that door." The room where she died "I'm closing that door." The place I was sitting when I had to tell Billy his daughter died "I'm closing that door." And I know those doors will open again but just help me in the moment to close it and not DWELL on the horrible. It was such a good word picture for me. God did help me to close those doors and I really was able to enjoy my time there. I know many were praying and I could sense God's peace and presence. We rested and the kids loved being outside. Holden got to try out his BB gun and he has decided he likes to hunt...see slide show :(

I'm thinking my theme for 2009 will be Hope. Not anything to do with my name, that would be cheesy. But because that's what I feel like God is continuing to give our family. I'm not completely consumed when I think of this new year but have hope in what God can do. I look at Alaina's pictures and stare and think "I miss you so much little girl!" But I have hope that I'll see her again and God will continue to give grace until that time. Many of you saw this on our Christmas card and it's the verse I'm claiming for this year...

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness...The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him.

Lamentations 3:21-25

I leave you with this...it's the little things like this that mean so much to me. The fire chief of Cullman (you know Billy sales fire trucks) brought this to me and said he reads my blog and is always praying. Guess what it says? Stay tuned, I'll post a picture next time.

Mary Helen's First Birthday

2009-01-07T22:48:00.003-06:00

Billy made me post it

2009-01-07T22:46:00.001-06:00

The children were nestled all snug in their beds....but not for long

2009-01-07T22:43:00.001-06:00

Leading up to Christmas

2009-01-07T22:38:00.001-06:00

2009-01-07T22:37:00.001-06:00

Girls night

2009-01-07T22:23:00.003-06:00

Meet some of my Cullman friends (slideshow above)....they're super fun! I had a little Christmas dinner for them and afterwards we went to local coffee shop and painted these fun pictures. These are some of the friends who have been willing to step into my pain and truly be a friend to me...to ask me how I'm doing (Really) and stop by my house to check on me....yet another reminder of God's grace in my life at each moment that I need it.

My favorite ornament this year

2008-12-18T20:26:00.005-06:00

I smiled when I opened it....sent from a dear friend who knew the perfect ornament for my tree this year. Alaina's favorite shoes to wear were her red sparkles. It didn't matter if they matched, usually they didn't...she didn't care. Those were the shoes she was buried in. They didn't match her little dress with pink flowers but I knew this is how she would've wanted it. I just can't type it without tears....buried. It's an ugly word, just like gravestone, funeral, death. I hate, yes, HATE those words. Days like today are hard. Days when I'm so busy with the kids and we are literally gone ALL day...then I get home and have a minute to "think" and it hits me all over again. The brief moments during the day when I'm alone, the grief is so raw and heavy. Physically it feels like a heaviness on my chest. In the midst, I am reminded of the season and what we celebrate and I have hope to continue on. Deep down in the fiber of my being if I believe I'll see her again one day I have a whole new view of heaven. The thought of her running to me, when I can touch her again and hold her...I pray that this is part of eternity. And I know there's nothing here that is her loss...it's OUR loss and pain and struggle, not hers. Her creator is everything she needs now and truly HE is what we need to make it. I can have joy this Christmas because He continues to be the Atchisons Wonderful Counselor, our Mighty God, our Everlasting Father, our Prince of Peace. I don't know what heaven will be like, I just know what I WANT it to be. I've got to trust the Lord for that too...that it will be as He has planned...perfect. Billy is constantly asking me "Do you think she'll still be a four year old when we get to heaven, will she know us, why can't God just "talk" to us, etc." I don't have the answers but I do know that God holds all these things and it will be ok...just like the christian life is that cycle of repent and believe, repent and believe, it's also surrender and trust, surrender and trust. And by His grace that is what I choose to do every day. Would I change my circumstance if I could, YES!! but that's not what He is calling me to do..that's not an option. He IS calling me to surrender and trust and so I will.

We're going....we're going to Butler the day after Christmas. I have peace about it, not that I think it won't be hard...I think it's unrealistic to think it will be an easy, laid back trip, but it's time. Time to face it, time to "push through" the memories of that day in July and get to enjoy the great place that it is. I hate the term "moving on." I won't call it that. To me, moving on suggests that we're leaving her behind and forgetting somehow. Let's just say we will "keep going." We'll keep living. We'll continue to talk about her and enjoy who she is in our lives. My Mom and Elley were making a little gum drop tree and Elley said "I wish Laina could see it." I love that she will say things like this. I love that she remembers her sister and can express it this way. I love any way that she is remembered....the memories you've shared with me, the angel ornament that says "in memory of Alaina, Dec. 2008".... thank you for remembering with me. Her life is something to celebrate and I need help to do it. This time last year, to me, she was the star of the Christmas card...you didn't have to convince her to scowl like a redneck, she just knew what to do. She was so fun like that.

Merry Christmas friends,
Hope

2008-12-09T22:48:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Holden!

2008-12-09T21:21:00.002-06:00

We had some good birthday fun this past weekend. Holden had three little boys and one big boy (my nephew Clemson) spend the night Friday night for his 7th birthday. (oh my goodness, is he really seven?) My parents had the girls and I'm so thankful since little girls don't really gel with light sabers (sp?), swords, guns, tackling, etc. The weekend was a huge success....seriously, all I had to do was feed them. Billy and Clemson organized the football and basketball and they did every "boy" thing imaginable. They all went to bed at 11:30 pm :) I never heard a sound after that until about 8:15 the next morning as they were raring to go again. It brought me joy to see Holden having so much fun.

2008-11-30T22:34:00.000-06:00

The Daily Battle

2008-11-30T20:20:00.002-06:00

Thank you for all your kind cards/thoughts/prayers for me during Thanksgiving and leading up to Christmas. Yes, it was and will be hard without Alaina but I think I've realized it can't be any HARDER than just our daily life. The empty seat at the table and in the car, the missing laughter and chatter of another little girl, the missing name on a card that says Dear Billy, Hope, Holden, Elley and Mary Helen, the little girl that's not in the pictures....all the daily things.

Thanksgiving was really good. We had a great time in Indiana with my brother and sister-in-law. The biggest thing I expected to be hard was the memory of Alaina in their house. The day we got there, when I had a minute alone upstairs I just tried to take a deep breath and look around and remember her in certain spots she loved. I smiled when I pictured her on the horse and playing with the barbie house. The lump in my throat was there but I was fighting to see her laughing and full of life in my memory. I'm always fighting. Fighting to keep going and not withdraw, fighting to keep my joy, fighting with the enemy with what he seeks to "steal, kill and destroy."

How is this battle fought? Daily, by confessing by utter and complete dependence on Jesus...saying His name out loud and praying for grace in the moment. That's the simple answer.

Remembering is great at times and awful at times. I love the house I grew up in. I can vividly remember riding through the yard in the golf cart and playing fast food "drive through" at my bedroom window and bank drive through with my Dad's big calculator, pulling friends around on a piece of carpet tied to the back of the golf cart, going far back into the woods to where I couldn't see the house anymore, putting on shows in my closet and busting the glitter baton in my bedroom as I pretended to spank a student in my "class." And now I get to watch my children play the same things I did and it's so special. They LOVE going there. I haven't been back since Alaina died. I just haven't been ready to face it, but I want to. I WILL go there.... but now I have some memories there that will cause me to "fight" when I go. Fight to remember all the great days Alaina had there...one of her favorite places to be. This is one of my biggest daily battles. The flashbacks, the morning I found her and the events that followed that day. I remember watching my Dad carry Mary Helen around while the paramedics were with Alaina, where I was when my Dad came out and said she was gone, where I sat when I called Billy and had to tell him over the phone that Alaina had died, the policeman's faces, the day my world was changed. But the day that God was holding me and never leaving and the day I knew he was now the holder of my oldest daughter. So, by God's grace I will not lose this battle. I know the ending already and it gives me hope to press on.

I'm missing Chicago these past few days. When we were coming home from Indiana I wanted to turn towards Illinois on the interstate. It's snowing there and I so miss that! I miss our church and friends but I think the biggest thing is I miss what we had there. That's where I "hear" Alaina's voice. I want to go back to that place of no pain like this present pain. I think back on our hardest days there and would take them anyday over losing her. If I have hard days with one of the kids now and we're in the middle of a meltdown I think "I wish I was doing this with Alaina." I wish she was the one being disciplined. I wish she was HERE! I think about our last year with her and how precious it was. She was so strong-willed at times. I remember one night when our small group was together in Illinois we were sharing prayer requests and I asked for prayer as I was parenting her. "Sometimes I wonder what she's thinking as she's laying in bed each night. Does she even feel loved by us or does she just feel like we're "on her" all the time....just always correcting and disciplining." We remained consistent with her and I(we) just tried my best to balance discipline and grace and assure her every night how much I loved her. If you've been reading this blog from the beginning you probably remember reading about my hard day with her at the children's museum in Indiana....I think it was one of my first few posts. The day I cried in the bathroom stall because I was so frustrated with her. Well, it was so neat to see her grow and mature from there. She really turned some corners the last year. Instead of her response being "no!" it started to be "ok, Mama! or ok Daddy!" Instead of doing the opposite of what we said she began to obey quickly and I was SO thankful. Looking back I remember her becoming extremely affectionate even the last few weeks of her life. She would initiate the hug or the kiss or the "Mama...I love you." I get mad when I can't clearly "hear" that sweet voice in my head. I get it mixed up with Elley's voice now.

So we got a Christmas tree today and I picked up her stocking and held it. I was dreading that. Her ornaments are on the tree...she is part of this family and so deeply loved.

Romans 8:32 "He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?

This post is picture overload. There's the slide show and then our family pictures that we had done a few days ago.

Here's the link to the family pictures...we made it through and even smiled in the process! :) That's what you do when you're trying to fight the battle.

www.erinnolenphotography.com/atchison

Sunbeam

2008-11-12T21:38:00.004-06:00

It pains me to post without pictures. Why am I weird like that? I think I just realized why I need there to be pictures. ok, the pictures represent something. It's that I want you to "see" that we're going to be ok. I want you to see us smiling and "living" life even though our days are SO hard without her. This all came full circle for me this past weekend. Billy and I were driving to Troy's homecomimg and I said "So you're good for our pictures on Monday, right?" To which he replies "No, I can't do it." "You're kidding, right?" "No, I really can't, I had something come up with work that I have to do, I just got the email last night."

I could feel the lump in my throat. Now let me set the scene for you a little better. Some dear friends we've made here in Cullman offered to pay for us to have our first family picture whenever we were ready. I decided now was the time and we could hopefully use one for our Christmas card. Some of you may be thinking it's too hard for us to even do a card this year, but honestly, the thought of NOT doing one is even sadder to me. So I've realized that this year's card symbolizes so much more than just our picture. It's a symbol of hope for me. It means that we're going to "live" in the midst of this hurt and these tears. It's taking the next step on this journey. It's letting our friends and family see that we can smile and we're going to make it!!!!!! To see that we still believe in God's goodness. Does that make sense?

So all that to say, I had our outfits picked, the photographer scheduled to come to our house, etc. and Billy says he can't do it. He says (before realizing how important this is to me) "It's just a picture, we can reschedule." So after my anger boils on the inside for a while I say through my tears...."It's NOT just a picture...not this year!!!" We had a great talk about it and after listening to me he completely understood. So you can be sad when you see our picture but I also pray it will be a symbol of hope when you look at it.... and that it will remind you to pray. You know how the new year is always exciting...fresh starts, new goals, etc. I think of 2009 and I feel weary at the thought of moving forward without Lew. But God will give grace for those days too. Again, it goes back to surrender and trust.

Maybe the next post will be just one big slide show of pictures. We've been camping, done Halloween(even Billy and I dressed up this year) and went to Troy's Homecoming this past weekend. All very fun. It was good to laugh.

Or, maybe the next post will just be for you to listen to my playlist of songs. Sometimes I'm amazed at how the words seem to say EXACTLY how I feel. So if you ever wonder how I'm doing, just listen to the words.

Oh, one more thing. Last night I was reading back through cards that people have sent and came across these notes and it made me smile.....

"We can only say that our lives were blessed and enriched by knowing that sweet little sunbeam, Alaina. She of the bold spirit and cheerful countenance....of the extra-large hairbows and southern-style dresses...of the curious eyes and quick smile."..... I couldn't have described her any better than this!

"Time moves for everyone around you- but likely not for you. And I reckon that your broken hearts are hurting more now than even a week ago. God is faithful. When you are in the "I can't do this, God" desolate pit, Jesus will be there. My prayer for you will continue to be that God's grace flowing not just over you, but into the fissures of your broken hearts- will be a comforting reality."

God is answering your prayers! He gives us grace daily to keep walking, to keep pressing on.

Until next time(WITH PICTURES)
Hope :)

Yes Lord

2008-10-23T22:03:00.004-05:00

I'm in a blogging mood tonight. So often I don't have the emotional energy to come and type but sometimes I get these energy bursts and it's good for me to "get it all out." "It" being all the things( feelings, emotions, thoughts) that have been swirling around in my mind and life the past few weeks. The bottom line...I'm struggling. I would venture to say that losing a child has got to be the hardest thing anyone could endure and I'm truly broken for anyone trying to do it without Jesus.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

"Though the fig tree should not blossom nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, YET I WILL rejoice in the Lord; I will take JOY in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; He makes my feet like the deers, He makes me tread on high places."

So my trip to Chicago. Hard and good at the same time. I'm glad I went but the reminders of my Lew were everywhere, staring at me, causing me to weep many times. The friends houses she played in, the restaurants we went to, our route we took to Children's day out...all of it just hard to take. I cried as the plane landed in Chicago and I cried when it took off to come back to Alabama. It was like saying goodbye to her all over again, I guess because that's where her life was. I couldn't go back to my house there..not this trip. Maybe next time.

At the women's conference Nancy Leigh DeMoss shared Romans 11:33...

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God. How unsearchable his judgements, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen."

This is it for me.....that out of all this pain.....that we would begin to go deeper in our understanding of the riches that are ours in Christ. The depth of his riches, the depth of his wisdom and knowledge....we only scratch the surface in this life because he is beyond tracing out! Nothing is too big or too hard for Him, no pain is too great. And it's all for His glory.

When I'm in the grocery store or any public place where a song is playing, after I leave(even it it's several hours later) I always catch myself humming the song that I heard...random songs that I may not have heard for years. Songs really do stick in your head. The first song on my Playlist has been in my head the past few days and I'm amazed again at how God even uses the little things. The chorus...."At the cross I bow my knee, where your blood was shed for me, there's no greater love than this....You have overcome the grave, your glory fills the highest place, what can separate me now?

At the cross I bow my knee.....I have walked around the house singing this without even realizing the words. My flesh doesn't want to bow or bend..I don't like this path.... actually, I hate it. When I got home from Chicago there was another laundry basket of Alaina's things to go through...her dresses, shoes, even her little bag of bible school candy....and there was a gravestone that needed to be picked out...Am I really doing this? Please don't ask me to. Everyday is a surrender. Everyday is submitting to this plan. It is a painful, slow surrender but my heart wants to be there. I could never do it without Jesus because there wouldn't be a cross to come to. This cross causes me to say, even if only in a crying whisper, "OK Lord." This was one of the challenges from our conference. "Are you willing to say, Yes, Lord?" Yes Lord, I'll follow you no matter what. Yes Lord, I will obey. Yes Lord, I'll go through more of Alain's things, I'll pick out her gravestone, I'll love my children, I'll get out of bed. Because of the grace you've given, I will do it.

And just when I think it can't get any harder we get to a new layer. The past two days Elley has talked about Alaina so much. These are her words..."Mama, I miss Alaina....Daddy said she's never coming back. Will we ever see her again? She's never coming back? Why? I miss Alaina." These same words several times a day. My heart feels like it's going to explode. Yes Lord, I'll have this conversation. Yes Lord, I will bend my knee. I'm thankful Elley wants to talk about her sister and is maybe truly grieving for the first time.

So, like the Habakkuk verse in my life...Though these awful, painful things, I will rejoice in the Lord and find my joy in him. No, I can't rejoice in losing Lew but I will rejoice in who God is and how he has carried me this far.

Wendy,(if you're reading this) I had to look back at all the great cards you've sent to find these words. I love this song....Thank you for reminding me.

"Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me on, let me stand. I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Through the storm, through the night, lead me on to the light. Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home."

From North Carolina to Chicago

2008-10-07T13:03:00.003-05:00

My time away with Billy was really great. Thank you for praying. I really didn't worry about the kids and was able to relax and rest. We did have some drama just before leaving. Holden put his arm through a small window(broke the glass) and had to have 10 stitches. The worst part of it all was seeing how terrified he was about going to the hospital again. He thought it was going to be like the last time when he had the spinal tap. We prayed in the car (after Billy had to carry him because he refused to walk out of sheer panic) and he slowly calmed down. He didn't even cry through the shots...he was very brave. AND he has a very fun Dad who can dance in the ER and sing and make him laugh. I get to be entertained too and a little embarrassed :)

So after the storm, the calm. North Carolina was beautiful. The leaves were changing colors and the scenery was so peaceful. We slept late, ate good food, Billy fly fished, I shopped a little and we both became hooked on Veronica Mars!! Yes, we found a way to have tv....there wasn't one in the cabin. A friend let us borrow season 1 and it rocks. We watched it on Billy's computer.

Ok so this Thursday I'm heading to Chicago by myself. I'm excited about the trip but knowing it will bring up some new emotions as this is my first trip back since losing Alaina. It'll be my first time to see certain friends and go back to NPC(church). Illinois is really where Alaina grew up. We moved there when she was one. So I know I'll see all her little friends and picture her running and laughing with them. Please pray that I'll just "be." If I walk in the church and sob, it's ok, if I feel awkward, it's ok, if I don't know how to face people, it's ok. I do feel very loved there but it's just kind of a hard step to take. Also, I'm going to a womens conference while I'm there and am excited for what God has to teach me.

Thank you praying/blogging friends!
Hope

*******On a fun note....go and see my sweetie girls. We just had their pictures taken this past Saturday. Go to hishandsphotographs.com and click on "enter portraits." Then click "proofing." Our password is Atchison.

Finding our way

2008-09-23T22:30:00.002-05:00

First time for my small group to meet....first time someone asks how many children I have.....First day of women's bible study(this morning). All of of a sudden I realize I am being asked to introduce myself. My heart is pounding as it's almost my turn. I'm thinking "ok, I'm going to be in this bible study with these women for a while and it's a pretty small group, so here goes"...."I'll be real honest, I hate introducing myself lately!" and the crying begins....I just am never sure what to say. I just can't bring myself to say I have three children. She's not here but she'll always be our little girl. We have four children. It's ok to say it. I don't always need to explain it. I went on to ask the ladies not feel awkward around me or think they shouldn't bring up Alaina. Well I guess I shouldn't tell people how to feel...I hate it when people tell me what to do or how I'm probably going to feel. I've been in the awkward place before of not knowing what to say/do and I need to remember that. It's just sometimes more hurtful/awkward when she isn't mentioned. I love to talk/think about her. I really can do it a lot without crying but sometimes it just hits me when I don't expect it...like this morning when I had to say my name and tell about myself. At our small group we were asked to share prayer requests...now how in the world can I share anything else???? We need prayer...lots of prayer as we're trying to "figure out life" without our little girl. It's a humbling place to be when you burst into tears in front of a large group of people...some you've met that night for the first time. But, I won't have it any other way. I long to be real and honest and not just say "please pray for us as we're in a new town and for Billy's new job." Let's just dive right in. I don't have time to stay on the surface.

I can't describe how much I miss Alaina. All our kids are super fun but she just had a unique way about her. So, so special! It hurts deeper than you could imagine. I think it's possibly the worst pain you could ever experience. But I hope you read our story and are amazed by God...not by how we're "handling" this but how awesome and wonderful our God is. If not for Him we couldn't handle it...we couldn't go another day. God brought me to this verse yesterday...

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised." Romans 4:20-21

Please pray for our next few days. My parents will have our kids in Butler and Billy and I are headed to North Carolina for some time away. Pray that I will not worry about them while I'm gone. I want to enjoy the time with Billy and rest. Just pray that God would guard my heart and mind.

"To God be the glory, great things he hath done,
so loved he the world that he gave us his son,
who yielded his life an atonement for sin,
and opened the life gate that all may go in.
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
let the earth hear his voice,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
let the people rejoice.
Oh come to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give him the glory, great things he hath done."

How could I NOT trust Him?

2008-09-12T13:20:00.003-05:00

Ok, it has been almost one month since my last post....Hello again! :) I feel like I'm barely keeping up with all we have going on. It's not that the kids are in 100 activities..we've got Holden and El's school and soccer and church...pretty basic. But nevertheless, we're busy as is all of America.

Ok, let me think what these slide show pictures are...I just love pictures because they show our life. This is the main reason I love to scrapbook, because our life is in those books. This slide show captures a little of what we've been up to. We made it to the zoo.... my sister and brother-in-law and nieces came for a visit over memorial day weekend and the kids put together a lemonade stand..... I think that's the whole slide show. Oh, the Elley in her nightgown picture is when my good friend Alysia came for the weekend from Chicago. We had a great visit.

Last week, my parents came for the week and held down the fort so that I could go to Orange Beach with Billy for a work trip he had. Before I give the details of that can I just say that my parents are awesome. Really, I am so blessed. They would walk to the the ends of the earth for me...and in many ways they have! I just read a quote that said "that is how I first felt confident that my life was under the care and protection of a kind and compassionate father." This sums up my Dad, kind and compassionate.... and gentle and loving and Godly. Seriously, one of the greatest men I know. Growing up under the care of my parents, I agree with this author that it was never a question in my mind that there was a perfect and loving and good Heavenly Father. After all, I knew what a wonderful earthly father my Dad had been and could only imagine a perfect Heavenly Daddy. To say I'm thankful just doesn't even begin to express how I feel about my parents.

So it was great to get away to the beach although Billy and I didn't get to spend a lot of time just the two of us because of his conference. We're headed to the mountains at the end of September for some time away not work related, a belated anniversary trip. The beach was great. You know how the beach is, you step foot on the sand and it automatically causes you to take a deep breath. There is something so breathtaking about God's handiwork. This trip I burst into tears the minute I got on the beach. Overwhelmed with sadness but also with amazement over God's great love for me. A song I've listened to lately says "How could I not trust my King?" I love this chorus because it's so where I am. How could I not trust Jesus? What else is there, really?!? What else could I turn to that would satisfy? Nothing that is eternal....NOTHING!!! So I just run to Him. I fall on Him. I cry to Him. I wrestle with my thoughts "God, can't our life just please be like it was before? Can't you just let me have my daughter here? Please God." He brings me back always to the truth that this is His plan and He will redeem even this great pain for my good and His glory. I really do believe that even though I don't want to. It's just not what I want. I want easy. I want that easy button to push and then I don't have to struggle or experience such intense pain.

I grieve not only for Alaina but for the laid back part of my personality. I was never one to go to the worst case scenario in my mind. Worry and fear were never huge struggles. Now it's an everyday battle. Mary Helen gets a fever and I can't even talk to my Dad on the phone, I have to give the phone to Wendy and let her tell him how much Tylenol to give her. I no longer enjoy going in the kids room at night to check on them...there's always that nervous pit in my stomach before I see they're breathing. If they sleep late in the morning I don't want to go in their room for fear of what I could find. It's AWFUL!! I can't explain how I hate it. The enemy is always there to whisper in my ear. He really is "a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. The thief comes to steal, kill an destroy." BUT, "I have come that you may have LIFE." I do have life and peace and joy in the midst of this battle with fear and unbelief. I'm sure it will get easier but this will probably be a lifelong struggle...a constant surrender every time one of my children gets sick and every time I hear that horrible ambulance siren.

Even though it sometimes feels like it, I know that I'm not the first person to lose a child or go through something so painful. I'm so much more aware of other's suffering. It's everywhere, everywhere I turn...disease and pain and death. I don't enjoy watching the news at all!! So again, how could I NOT trust Him in the midst of living in such a fallen and sinful world?

Holden and Elley seem to be doing ok, although I can tell Holden is constantly processing Alaina's death. He drew a picture of the cemetery and he pointed out "the green fuzzy chairs" we sat in. He hugged me and patted my back and asked "why did everyone hug that way at the funeral?" He remembers so many details, things I never thought would make an impression on him. Thus another battle for me. I lie down and everything is replayed in my mind. The morning I found Alaina, the funeral and days surrounding it...the whole bad dream that I want to forget but can't. I am utterly dependent on Jesus and so helpless at times. I am constantly replacing the awful images with the amazing four years we had with Lew.

Billy is having a "better" week but please continue to pray. I feel very overwhelmed at times about how to "be there" for Billy and the children. I have to lay down the weight I feel of them all needing me as I'm dealing with my own pain.

I'll end with some quotes from a little book I've read....they say it better than I can.

"Grief from whatever source, is a long and painful journey. And, I found, it is full of frightful choices. The urge to retreat into a cocoon-like existence is great, and depression is slipped into so easily. The allure of escaping into busyness or pleasurable fancies also raised its ugly head.

Alongside all of this temptation that would take us further and further from healing lies the sometimes obscure choice of acceptance. Obscure because this path leads into the pain and makes no promise of a quick cure. Instead, it opens the wound to its very depth and applies the healing balm of God's very special grace from the inside out." Verdell Davis, Riches Stored in Secret Places

"Discouragement is a large cloud that like all clouds, obscures the warmth and joy of the sun. In the case of spiritual discouragement, the Son of God, the Lord Jesus, is eclipsed in our lives. Discouragement is Satan's device to thwart the work of God in our lives. Discouragement blinds our eyes to the mercy of God and makes us perceive only the unfavorable circumstances. There is only one way to dispel discouragement, and it is not in our own strength or ingenuity. The Bible says, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart:wait, I say on the Lord" (Psalm 27:14) Billy Graham

"No matter what the circumstances, God always has the last word. Always. And it is a word of triumph. There is no death! What joy! For those of us left on earth puzzling it out, ultimately after weeping through the night, we notice that the shades lighten slowly, and sunlight eventually pours in, making the dust motes dance, and making the room habitable once again. The peace of God passes understanding." Leslie Williams

I especially love this one....

"Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. (Luke 6:21) The courage to laugh ultimately rests with our belief in the faithfulness of God. During our grief we will not likely laugh for the right reasons, unless we feel assured that God has a stake in our lives and will come through for us. So then, it becomes our belief behind our laughter that makes the laughter a healing force. God himself has engendered our laughter, and he becomes the divine enabler of our joy.

Robert A. Williams...Journey Through Grief

"Because of the Lord's great love we are NOT consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lam 3:22,24

Because of who He is I am not consumed even though at times I feel like it. He brings me back to what is true. Corrie Ten Boom said "We must go everywhere. We must tell everyone that no pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. They will believe us because we were here." Whatever is going on in our lives, He is able. Nothing is beyond His redemption. The challenge is to believe this truth even though our emotions scream the opposite. In spite of my weakness and unbelief, He IS faithful, He IS good, He IS Sovereign, He IS God. I've been to the "deep pit" and He has proven himself faithful.

I thank God for all of you, for your letters and cards filled with kind words and reminding me of God's truth, your messages on my answering machine, your comments on this blog....your taking time to simply listen......Thank you for loving me!

2008-09-12T13:15:00.001-05:00

That's why I need Jesus....along the road

2008-08-19T21:09:00.017-05:00

These pictures are of Holden and Elley's first day of school , El Bell's birthday(sorry, she doesn't like to wear clothes) and our day at the water park. These make me smile because I see joy in my children and Beeney (Mary Blake). I love to see them laughing and it reminds me that I can laugh and have fun too.

How am I doing? It's such a hard question to answer. At this moment, I want to yell at the computer because it won't cooperate.

Let's see, the things I don't expect to be hard really are hard and sometimes I feel like the grief is like a punch in the stomach. I have to take a deep breath. Then, the things that I build up in my head to be hard sometimes aren't.

For example, I got everything ready to take Elley to her little preschool open house and we jumped in the car, just the two of us, and I immediately started sobbing. I cried the whole way to church. Looking back at El and seeing her all alone in the back seat without her sister and best friend to talk to and laugh with and say "we're going to our new school." She just seemed so lonely. She was very quiet the whole way and although she can't verbalize it as much I know she feels the loss. So I'm praying as I drive "ok Lord, I can't go in like this....I can't even form a sentence....maybe Caroline will be there already and she can take Elley in for me and take her supplies. If you want me to go in then you've got to calm me down. If not, then I'm really fine going home and we don't have to do this today." I sat in the parking lot and slowly the tears stopped, we went through those doors, and it was fine. The ache is hard to carry in moments like those and I just pray, "Lord I'm giving this to you, I can't do this, I can't hold up under this burden....please carry this for me." And just when I think it seems unbearable, I realize that I'm still walking.

I get out of bed every day. I enjoy my kids. I laugh, cry, stare, wrestle with fear, try to love my husband well through this, worry, pray, try to explain how I'm doing, ask God for wisdom to help my children deal with this and want to take the pain away for them, feel very overwhelmed, wonder what we're going to eat for dinner......

One minute I'm so thankful for the four years we had with Lew and the next I'm asking "Really God, is this our story? Really, are you asking/telling us that we must walk through this? Really!!??" Give me grace to say "Not my will, but yours be done." But, oh God, I so want her here with us...But, oh yeh, that's right, she's better than she has ever been, she isn't going through what we are. In heaven, there is no more night! Thank you Jesus. Thank you that one day, we will see you face to face and there will be no more distractions. There will be no more fear or worry or SIN or death or struggle....I've read the back of the book and thank you that this is not all there is.

I struggle with right perspective. In everything there are two ways to look at it. I pray constantly for grace to choose His way. Grace to say "You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." By your grace....not by willing myself to choose it or mustering up anything in myself but all through Him. Thinking about Alaina dying in my parents house, the house I grew up in and now having to face it every time we go there. One friends perspective on this.... " How wonderful that she died in that house, the place that she loved to go, the place where all she knew was love and the fun and laughter that happened there." I thought to myself, "that is precious and THAT is how I'm going to choose to see it." I'm not saying it won't be hard going there but it so helps to think of the life she loved in that house. When we celebrated Elley's birthday this weekend and she was so thrilled over her big girl barbie cake my heart goes to "Lew would be loving this....she would think this cake is the most awesome thing ever, she would be as excited as Elley." But, I choose to be excited for Elley and enjoy the moment with her even though there is such sadness in my heart. I'm reminded that Lew is at the best celebration of her life.....so much better than a barbie cake and birthday.

You've heard me say before but don't you see how the loss is felt everywhere. It follows me around and I yell at it to leave me alone but it's stubborn and won't leave and it's a daily battle. A daily surrender to my flesh, a surrender of MY will. God causes me to lay it down...to let go and stop holding on to anything here. This is really where I want to be....obedient to whatever he has for us, to be about the things of Jesus...to live gospel centered. Of course, I want to do this with Alaina here but that's just not God's plan.

AND, all of this on top of my own daily sin. It's only God guarding my mouth that I haven't yelled at people. (ok, these are all random and not related to each other) In my head I'm yelling(at whoever) "Enough of all your judgemental crap, I mean attitude :) .... Did you really just tell me I will be charged the aftercare fee for school when I'm three minutes late to get Holden?" Seriously, I wanted to say, "that's just what I needed you to say to me this afternoon since I just buried my daughter this summer. I'm doing the best I can to get him to and from school!!!!! How about some extra grace here????" See, this is where my thoughts go. And I say this just one day after telling Billy "you don't just yell out to people that our daughter just died, they will thing we are total freaks." No sooner do I tell him this do I feel the urge to yell it at the lady at school....just because I didn't that day doesn't mean I won't ever....I just don't know what will come out. It's a hard place to be. Sometimes I want to say in any given conversation "Um, I know your mouth is moving and words are coming out, but I'm just tired. I'm going to walk away now." I'm just so judgemental. In my heart I am so judgemental of moms who I feel are too uptight or controlling and I'm sure they're judging me for being too laid back. I think my way is the right way. It's MY pride. Not sure how all this relates, I'm kinda rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is there is nothing I hate worse than a judgemental attitude, a prideful spirit( which I have) or feeling the need to "have it all together." I guess several years ago I realized NOBODY has it "all together" and if I ever start to think they do then I so don't understand sin and the gospel. In reality those that seem on the surface to be "Mr. or Mrs. together" are the ones who are probably the most "messed up." :) We all have our junk, our pride and weaknesses. Especially as women we are so driven by what other moms think of our kids and are we going to get the mom of the year award.....This is why we need JESUS. He knows how broken and sinful we truly are and loves us in spite of our deepest struggle. Did I just sound like a preacher? Preach it sista :)

One of my favorite songs at NPC...not sure of the name but the chorus was
"Not the righteous, not the righteous....sinners Jesus came to call."

"None but Jesus, none but Jesus, can do helpless sinners good."

Please pray for Billy. He's struggling just like I am and we're working through it together, but I ask that you pray for him specifically this week.

Until next time,
Hope

A Word From Daddy...

2008-08-08T09:10:00.003-05:00

A Word From Daddy,

Many of you have asked if I would share my thoughts on this blog (ok, not many but a few, really just two and one of those was my mom.) So for all two of you that may read this… here you go... Honestly, I don’t see how Hope does this blog stuff. She’s so good at articulating how she is feeling / I find it very difficult to summarize what’s going on in my heart. Every time I try to write something I just sit here and get frustrated – I’m just not that good at writing out my thoughts. I think it’s also hard for me to let the entire world have access to my heart – therefore, this will not be a normal activity for me.

I had driven all day from Butler, AL to Chicago on Tuesday, July 1st to finalize a moving company to move our family from Chicago to Cullman, AL. I got in about 2:00am that night. I awoke to a cell phone call from my good friend Dick Albaugh. He just said, “Hey, you at home? Ok, I’ve got to call you back.” (I later found out that phone call was to make sure that I had made it home before Hope told me about Alaina) A few minutes later the phone rang again. It was my wife and it was to become the conversation I’ve replayed in my mind a thousand times: “It’s not good Billy, it’s not good… Alaina died this morning”, Wait, I didn't hear her correctly, "What?" "Alaina died." I fell to my knees and we both wept like never before. The pain is hard to describe, other than to say I’ve never hurt like that before.

Within minutes close friend were showing up at my house in Chicago. My wife had called my friends first (before she called me) and asked them to head my way to be with me right after she informed me of the news. To this day, it boggles my mind how Hope had the whereabouts to think to call my friends before calling me. Within 30 minutes of giving CPR to her daughter she was thinking of others. She was thinking for me and wanted to make sure that I had support as I received this horrible news. (Hope, thank you for showing me love in such a remarkable way. My words don’t give my appreciation justice.) Those friends, who came by my side, thank you. I don’t remember anything said during that hour, but I do remember that you were there with me and helped carry my burden with your love, compassion and tears. Shortly there after my new company called and informed me that they, through a vendor partner, had a private jet on its way to a close airport to pick me up and fly me home to be with my family. Thank you for that. When I saw Hope for the first time my heart sank even further and we embraced like never before. Both of us had lost something we loved with our entire soul. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life when it came to comforting my wife. This was something that I couldn’t fix.

The first several days I would wake myself crying. However, through this entire ordeal I’ve never felt compelled to ask “why”. I don’t think there is an answer for such questions this side of heaven, at least no answer that would satisfy. Going down that path would just leave me frustrated, angry and bitter at God and life itself. I have a much better appreciation of studying the characteristics of God like never before. You see, Hope and I have believed for some time now that God is truly in control of all things. All things happen for his glory and ultimately for my good. I’m not sure how I would help someone through something like this after the fact. I think we are handling this horrible situation in a healthy way because of what we’ve believed for years about God… That He is good, no matter what, all the time. Because of his grace we have continued to believe these truths about God, and that’s why we are doing ok and are going to be ok in the long run. I’ve also thought much about the “Victorious Christian Life” that the Christian world likes to throw around and treat God as if he has Santa Clause qualities – giving you what you want, when you want it, and life without pain, death or sorrow. Well, I firmly believe we are living the Victorious Christian Life right now. The victorious Christian life is not a life free of troubles… It’s about allowing Christ to walk with you (and some times carry you) through those quandaries. He is with us now and I too hear the train daily.

I am tired. If I’m an 8 cylinder engine I feel like I’m only operating 2 cylinders right now, but the engine is at full red line (8,000 rpm). (For you women – that means maxed out). I’m not able to think clearly and get overwhelmed and frustrated at the simplest of task; i.e... It took me eight hours to put together a simple filing cabinet last week!!!
We basically went through the perfect storm when it comes to stress levels:
Selling a house (in the worst market in 20 years and losing all your equity)
Finding new housing
Leaving a great church
Finding a new church
Leaving close friends/relationships
Having to make new friends
Leaving a job that I enjoyed
Starting and learning a new job
Family being separated for three months due to new job
New schools for our kids
New friends for our kids
The death of our daughter, Alaina
And Holden and Elley losing their best friend

I’m sure all the psychology books would recommend some type of institution for someone who has experienced these things with-in the time frame we have. However, God is holding us together – through his word and through his people, the Church. I believe things would be much more difficult if the people of Naperville, Eastern Shore and Christ Covenant Presbyterian Churches had not acted as they have. (FBC of Butler and FBC of Orange park for our parents.) These churches and other friends have been a great example to me of ministering to someone in need. At some point I hope to personally thank everyone for all you have done. However, right now, the thought of writing thank you notes is somewhat overwhelming with everything else going on. For right now… just know that I am thankful for all you have given to me and my family.

As far as my new job goes: Territory Manager for Sunbelt Fire in North Alabama: I love it. The fire industry has some top quality guys and the people I’ve met thus far will be friends for life. I truly believe this is where God wants me and hope that Sunbelt Fire will keep me around for a while. Sunbelt, thank you for all you have done.

I love Cullman and our new church and look forward to the many new relationships that God has in store for me.

Click Here to Listen to Alaina's Funeral:
http://www.box.net/shared/gefc3rsgs0

If you would like to listen to Alaina’s funeral please click on the link above. It was the most memorable worship time of my life and we want to thank all those who were involved and attended. The recorded music does not come close to effectively reflecting how wonderful the singing was due to the quality of the recording (Keith and Karen - you guys were great - thank you). This link also has a copy of the handout given at the funeral.

This is my last post for a while… I’m exhausted from writing. Mom, I hope you enjoyed this.

P.S. Dr. A, you won’t ever lock up these guns; they don’t make locks that big!

He is faithful...along the road

2008-08-05T22:11:00.002-05:00

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns." Psalm 46:1-5

This is one of the many verses I've found as I've opened new cans of formula and boxes of diapers for Mary Helen. It is incredible to me that even when I don't have the energy to pick up my bible, God puts the Word in front of me some other way. Jennifer W. (I think this was you), THANK YOU for encouraging me in this way. She put a notecard with scripture in every can of formula and every box of diapers...Thank you friends for the diapers and formula too! God is faithful when I am at my lowest. See, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is still the same Good and loving heavenly Father....the One who is powerful enough to carry us during the most devastating time of our life.

ok, so a little over a month ago I did what I've ONLY always read or heard about. I planned my child's funeral....I sat in our car behind the hurse and thought "Is this really happening? Is this really me?" "Are we really going to bury her?" Just before the car pulled away I looked up and saw my new pastor and his wife Allison standing close to our car. Billy rolled down the window and they walked over and leaned in and Allison said "We're ready to love you!" Ok, I had met her once, the one Sunday I visited Christ Covenant. God so used her in that moment to encourage me. It's like he was saying "See, I am the same God in Cullman Alabama....I will provide for your every need.....trust me."

Looking back, it was ALWAYS God's strength, God's grace, God's mercy, God's peace that allowed me to walk through those awful days....and it continues to be His faithfulness every single day as it is still SO hard. And, God used His body, the church, to rally around us. I will never forget Lori, Wendy and Slade sitting at my parents kitchen table with us and helping plan Alaina's funeral. They helped us think when we couldn't think clearly. Wendy even wrote my to do lists :) What incredible friends. Karen, our pastors wife in Chicago totally took over getting us a moving company....my Chicago friends cleaned our house for the new family to move in....so many friends drove or flew from Chicago to be with us....so many made plans on such short notice....friends and family who helped with Holden, Elley and Mary Helen.....the hundreds of cards and words of encouragement...the FOOD....the financial support.....the PRAYERS on our behalf.... the friends who have loved and welcomed us to Cullman....I know this isn't even everything, and I'm overwhelmed even as I type.

My days are hard yet filled with hope because of Jesus. The things that frustrated me before are much more frustrating now. Holden and Elley (and even laid back Mary Helen) are much more needy these days. We're all needy. My pride....see, I've never wanted to be the "needy" friend. Just days after the funeral we were still at my parents house and my dad and Billy weren't' there for some reason, it was just my mom and I with Holden, Elley, Mary H. and my nephew, Clemson. Elley and Mary H. were crying and Clemson and Holden were running in the hallway and slamming themselves into the door. I could feel myself about to "lose it" and of course, it was starting to get dark outside. Finally, I called to my mom as I was sobbing, to come in and help me (she was working in the yard) "I just can't do this right now!!" Like I said, the things that would normally be a little stressful are now a LOT stressful. I know that's not good English, but oh well. On the outside, I'm sure much of our life looks the same. I go to Walmart(and in my head I dare someone to be rude or short with me....I picture myself yelling "Don't you dare be mean to me, I just lost my 4 year old daughter!!") Sometimes I'm scared to think what may come out of my mouth. I feed the children, we play, we are taking care of all logistical things like school and school supplies.....all that "normal" stuff except it' s NOT normal anymore. It's painful. It hurts. It feels like sometimes your heart is going to explode.

Yet, I prayed something this week. I asked God to remind me of his goodness and love for me. There is a train track very close to our house and trains pass through all day. So, I prayed that every time I hear that train I would be reminded of God 's grace in my life, God's perfect love for me. It's faithful to "pass through" every day, several times a day and it's loud and clear and distinct. I can hear it no matter if I'm at home or in "town." It's my Father's goodness and grace no matter if I'm doing "ok" in that moment or really struggling....it's His faithfulness to always remind me of who HE is.

Missing a little girl....along the road

2008-07-30T21:47:00.004-05:00

We're moved in!!! It feels great to be settled a little. Our church family as well as old friends and others have loved us so well. My house is mostly unpacked and thanks to Wendy, Jennifer and Lori most of my pictures are on the walls and my things are in their rightful place. We had fun and laughed a lot during their three night stay. As I laughed, it's like I would think "wait a minute....I'm SO sad." But God's grace allows me to laugh and still be joyful because my hope in Jesus is sure. I look back and am truly convinced that He has carried me.

I never knew that I could physically ache over something....over a loss like this. When Lori, Wendy and Jennifer had some of their kids here the ache was with me as I knew Alaina would LOVE to be running and playing with all her friends.....as I watched Holden and Elley see their new rooms for the first time and be totally delighted, the ache was there just knowing that Lew would be saying "Mama, it's beautiful!" Unpacking her things....the ache is there. The smells that remind me of her....and the ache is there. Seeing her pictures and just feeling like I can almost reach out and touch her....the ache is there. OH, I hate it!!! Sometimes it just won't leave. It won't just "go away." And once again, it brings me to my knees. See, sometimes it's so hard to even enjoy the joy and laughter of Elley and Holden. On one hand, it's great to see them run and splash at the park today and just love life, but on the other, Billy and I both are seeing in the midst of their playing that a piece of us is missing. Another little girl should be running and giggling. It seems so lonely without her. It wasn't supposed to BE like this!!!! I just want my life to be easy......That's what my flesh screams. But, we live in a fallen, sinful world, and in my spirit I know this is part of God's GOOD plan for us. I pray, well sometimes when I can't even pray, Jesus is interceding for me, for grace to believe the gospel.....this life is not all there is. I can't live for "this life." I just miss her so much it hurts.

Ok, for some comic relief.....I'm taking this suggestion from our new doctor.....to add this story. God had given us such a gift in our knew Dr. He will see our whole family. I'm not sure if he wants me to give his name, so I'll just call him "Awesome Dr." :) Ok, any Cullman people that might read this...you probably know, but oh well, HE told me to share, so I am.

He and his wife go to our church and they're great...like the kind of people you meet for the first time and think to yourself "I want them to be my friend" kind of great. They had us over for dinner this week and we so enjoyed their company. Awesome Dr. has been so great to truly go above and beyond for us and I really don't think He thinks we're weird. His exact words to us were (if we ever have ANY concerns about our children) "You just put it on me.....call me any time." And I know he means it. He has also done SO much for us to find out more information about Lew's sickness....more about that later because it's all still in process. We will never forget how he has served us in this unique way. ANYWAY, so I'm in his office today with Mary Helen for her six month checkup (yes, she's really 7 months but we're just now getting around to taking her ). Ok, this part is not really part of the story but it does give some background of my time leading up to the appointment.

First, I don't really know where I'm going because my GPS was not cooperating. I was very frustrated. See, things that would frustrate me under normal circumstances totally frustrate me WAY more these days. I drove around the hospital parking lot SEVERAL times looking for awesome Dr.s office. After about the fourth time, and saying "God, please give me a break here," I finally found it. Of course, Mary Helen had a dirty diaper. I get to the room, waiting for Awesome Dr. to see her and I change her diaper. As I'm washing my hands I had her on my hip with no diaper on and she (tt'd) all over me. The room totally smelled like poop and urine.

In walks Awesome Dr. OK, this is the funny part. I guess maybe my most embarrassing moment.....but I laughed until my stomach hurt. He proceeds to ask me a long string of questions about Mary Helen...."Is she rolling over? Eating cereal/baby food? reaching for objects? sleeping well ? and so on. Then he continues, "Did she have any problems at birth? Was she born at 40 weeks? Did she have a regular birth? " I told him that I had a C-section and she was around 38 and a half weeks....she was my fourth C-section.

THEN, he continues by asking, "Now does Billly have his guns locked up?" And I say "No, I had my tubes tied." OK, he totally meant Billy's actual shot guns and rifles that he hunts with !!!!!!! Do you get what I thought he meant????? ( like male body parts "locked up") I am a total freak aren't I. He pushes back in his chair and is laughing out loud, then I realize what I THOUGHT he meant and I know my face was as red as the wall but I was laughing so hard it hurt....we both were for several minutes. He said " that's the best I've heard in a long time!" He even told the nurses :)

He also said, "I read your blog last night and you need to add this story for some comic relief." I decided he was right. I hope it makes you laugh. This one is going down in history for me.

It's so good to laugh. I get tired of being sad. Just another reminder to me of God's grace in my life....that I can ache from the pain but can also ache in a fun way from laughing so hard.

I'll end with this....a poem from my recent women's bible study "Tapestry"

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He works so steadily.

Oft' times He weaves in sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Not till the loom is silent
And shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

He IS my Master Weaver and He causes me to trust.

Grace, peace and truth......along the road

2008-07-19T10:05:00.002-05:00

Jesus has "carried" me the past few days. The deep sadness is always there but I can laugh and smile....as we've said over and over I can grieve with hope. Before Billy and I had any children, actually when I was pregnant with Holden, we made a decision. We prayed that our children wouldn't become the center of our world. We were a family, the two of us, and any children we had would be joining our family, not become the center where everything revolved around them. See, Christ is my hope. My hope and purpose can't be in my children though I love them more than I can explain. This gospel of grace is more precious to me than it has ever been. We'll never fully fathom the depth of God's love for us (in this life) but He does give us a picture.....He explains it in His word.....that God would give his ONLY Son to be the substitute for ALL the yuck in our hearts. Ok, I couldn't do it. There's no way I would. BUT, I'm not GOD!!! The punishment that brought US peace was upon HIM. The conversation Jesus has with God just before the crucifixion....."Can there be another way?" I would've said, Yes!!! We'll get another plan....there can be another way. And Jesus said, "Not my will, but YOUR will be done."

This is how I feel. God, can't there be another way? Is this really your plan? And ONLY by his grace can I say.....not my will (not what Hope wants) but YOUR will be done. I prayed last night......"God, whatever you have for us, let it be.......whatever." Cause me to live this life with an open hand.....not closing my fists and holding tightly to anything. I want to continue to stress this......THIS is what God can do. He is loving yet powerful enough to sustain my frail and weak self and this same strength is yours if you know Him. This same peace is in your heart and life if you're a believer. HE is the strength and the power and the peace and the truth and the grace and the hope. God is! It all points to HIM. Get to know this God that is just as mighty in your life.

So we're figuring out our "new normal." I told Billy last night that I feel like we've had our legs or arms amputated. We can still function, but just have to figure out how to do it without a major part of our body. Things move slower....it just looks and feels different no matter what you do. You make a little progress everyday but it's slow and steady. It's a long, hard and painful road to travel, especially without your arms.

I spent Thursday night and Friday at the beach with two of my "heart" friends. It was such a gift just to be with them......just to "be." They left and Billy joined me Friday night. We sat on the beach, taking in all the beauty and calm. It has been very restoring. AND, I've been sleeping better, THANK YOU for praying specifically. God has taken a lot of the fear that the night time brings. I'm sure it will come back around but God is bigger than fear or worry or doubt or you fill in the blank.

So, we are headed to Cullman on Sunday and the moving truck gets there Tuesday. I've already pictured myself with these new women at our church.....they don't know me, I don't know them. I've imagined me saying to them "Ok, I just lost my daughter and need you to be my friend. I'm usually an initiator but I'm not exactly my normal self so you may need to initiate to me. I may be the biggest drain in your life for at least the next year but, so be it." :) Oh, my pride! See, I don't want them to think I'm a crazy woman. What if they never see that I am just laid back and fun? :)

It may be a little while before I can post again since we're moving this week but I'll be back eventually. I'm excited to get moved in and settled.

Take care friends!

Our Lew

2008-07-17T08:39:00.006-05:00

Several of you have asked how we got the nickname "Lew." It started as "Laina Lucy" then "Laina Lew" .......then "Lew" :)

These pictures are some of the last ones I took of her....we were in Florida just a few weeks ago.

Thank you for praying friends!!!!!!!!!!!! I need it now more than ever.

Part 2....Hospital stay with Holden

2008-07-15T08:14:00.003-05:00

Isaiah 42:16......"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

It's amazing to me that before the foundation of the world God knew this verse would bring encouragement to even me. "I will lead Hope by ways she has not known, I will guide Hope, I will turn darkness into light before Hope. These are the things I will do for Hope; I will not forsake her"

Do you see it? These are the things HE will do. It's not about what I can do. He's the point. He has all the power, He is the strong one. "Because HE lives I can face tomorrow, because HE lives all fear is gone, because I know HE holds the future, life is worth the loving just because HE lives"

I didn't post yesterday....it was just a hard day and I didn't have the energy but His mercies are new every morning. I really hate the night time. When it starts to get dark is usually when fear creeps in and it seems to be the worst part of the day. I Do NOt! want to live in fear. Fear paralyzes. It reminds me of snow skiing a few years ago. I finally was able to learn how because we were in Colorado and I wasn't pregnant :) I thought I was ready to leave the bunny slope and try the first real run. As we got higher and higher I could feel the fear coming. We got off the ski lift and I started down the mountain only to realize I couldn't see over each hump. I felt so out of control, like I was going to ski straight into the trees. I didn't think I could stop myself. So, I just decided to sit down on the mountain and not go any further. I was literally gripped with fear. Billy was awesome (as always :) he tried to gently "coach" me but I would have nothing of it. We started walking down the mountain but you can imagine how that was trying to walk in those awful boots. Ok, I can laugh about it now......the ski patrol had to come and get me and take me down the mountain. And you know what, once I let him have control there was no more fear. I had complete confidence that he could get me safely down the mountain, and riding down on that sled thing was the most fun I had all day.

And so it is with God....Even though the fear seems so great and I feel paralyzed at times, I know that He is Able.....He is able to carry me when I can't possibly keep going, He can bring peace and joy when I wonder if it will ever fully be in my life again....He is able to love me in spite of my sin and selfish heart that is full of yuck....and He is able to take the fear that grips my heart as I think of possibly losing another child like we did this past weekend.

So I'm finally back around to Holden. The pediatric Dr. got there and said they wanted to keep Holden for at least 48 hours to watch him and wait for the blood work to come back. Billy broke down for the first time(at the hospital). I had an upset stomach the entire hospital stay....the worst I've ever had. You know that nervous pit in your stomach that won't go away. And of course on top of that we were/are so emotionally spent. The Dr. decided to not continue trying to do the spinal tap unless Holden got worse during the night. God put me back together enough to be able to go see Holden.(I know it always seems I'm saying I feel the need to be strong in front of Holden but, don't worry, he has seen me cry often. We encourage him to talk about Alaina and to never feel like he is going to upset us by what he says. I just didn't want to make him anymore nervous than he already was in that hospital room!!!) He wanted me to tell The Three Billygoats. He still had tears on his face. We were finally given a room and then the waiting really began. That first night was one of the hardest nights of my life....probably second only to the first night we lost Alaina.

They had Holden hooked to some kind of oxygen monitor that constantly showed numbers going up and down. I stared at that box so much that night. My heart beat faster every time the I V started beeping (and this was all night because it beeped every time Holden bent his arm). I didn't fall asleep until the sun started coming up. Holden's fever got up to 103 something. They were able to get the fever down after some medicine. The Dr. started antibiotics through his I V. He was able to sleep that first night. The next morning he was improving but we were still very afraid. Then, he asked me what I knew he was probably thinking....."Am I gonna die????"

I said, "I don't think so, baby. I think you're going to be just fine." I was begging God, saying over and over, "please don't take him, please don't take him!" Throughout the next day he continued to get better and I was feeling the prayers on our behalf. The second morning the Dr. came to see us again and the tests came back all negative. The Dr. said he laid awake staring at the ceiling that night thinking about whether or not he should give me, Billy MaryH. and Elley an antibiotic.

We don't have much information about Alaina. We do know that she had viral meningitis but most people don't die from this. Many have it and never even know it. She should've been sick for several days. They are testing to see if she had some kind of underlying something we didn't know about......but we weren't even sure it she had viral or bacterial when we were in the hospital with Holden. It was very frustrating because we knew this could help the Dr. know how to treat. BUT AGAIN, God is the ONE who is ultimately in control no matter how much we think we know or how much we DON'T know.

We were able to come home Sunday after the Dr. came to our room and said all the tests were negative and he could see Holden's improvement.

Now we're thankful beyond words for Holden's quick recovery, but also hit once again with the hard and painful reality that we've lost Alaina.

I'll end with a quote I keep in my bible.....

"God is too wise not to know all about us and what
is really best for us to be and to have.
And He is too good not to desire our highest good
and too powerful, desiring not to effect it.
If then what He has appointed for us does not
seem to us the best--or even to be good--
our true course is to remember that He sees further than we do--
and that we shall understand Him in time when His plans
have unfolded themselves. Meanwhile, casting all our care
upon Him since He careth for us."

Henry Parry Liddon

We're pressing on.....along the road

2008-07-13T20:00:00.002-05:00

Before I tell the whole story of the past few days let be just say that Holden is doing great!!!

Now let me back up and fill you in. This past Wednesday Billy took Holden and Clemson(my nephew) to Jackson Mississippi to a fire training conference thing. I know that's not the name of it but you get the point. Billy and I decided it would be good for the three of them to get away and just try to have some fun together. They had a great time, and spent their time hanging out with the Sunbelt team (Billy's work) and learning all about what firefighters do. For those of you that don't know, Billy just took a new job selling fire trucks and fire equipment. They came home Friday and were exhausted. Holden came in a laid on the bed and I could tell how tired he was. He felt warm but I just thought it was because he was asleep in the car and maybe the vent wasn't blowing on him in the back seat. About an hour later, he was still lying around and I thought that was sort of odd considering his usual energy level. I felt his forehead again and he was still just as warm so we took his temp and it was 102. I, of course was concerned and then he said his head hurt. ( bad headache is one of the classic signs of Meningitis) As soon as he said it I felt sick.....physically and emotionally sick (again!) Billy said "let's take him to Meridian right now." So we headed to the ER.

Honestly the car ride was a blur to me but can tell you that I was struggling with God. In my head I'm thinking "No, NO, this is not happening. We just buried Alaina Monday.....God, why is this happening? You KNOW how fragile we are right now....I Can't do this!!! I can't let him go now. Ok, if I say I'm willing to let him go then maybe you won't take him. If I say I can't let him go then you will take him." I couldn't pray, I could barely talk out loud. We called ahead to the ER and they got us in pretty quickly. You could tell that by the time we got to see the Dr. that everyone around new our situation. They were all staring at me. I was outside Holden's room crying because I didn't want to scare him any more than he already was. I know they all thought I was a crazy woman. Ok, I was a mess....no shower...hadn't brushed my teeth ALL day (that I can remember)....just looked like I had rolled out of bed. I told the two different Dr.s " We're not freaks, ok. We're not just overprotective parents.....we just lost our daughter last week."

The first Dr. we saw wanted to do a spinal tap as well as other blood work and test his urine. We were told we would be there at least 48 hours. I was wondering how in the world I was going to make it that long without knowing what was wrong. I wasn't in the room while they did the I V and I couldn't be anywhere nearby for the spinal. I knew I would fall apart...well I already was falling apart so I guess they probably would've just admitted ME.

Side note: As I was telling the Pediatric Dr. our whole story/history he listened and made notes and asked questions. Then, when I was done he asked me how Holden was taking it and then suggested that maybe we should get counseling sometime down the road. I wanted to say "Um, what I need right now is for you to hook me up and sedate me!!"

Anyway, as I was sitting in the waiting area I continued to struggle with God. I kept thinking of Job (in the bible) and how God took his whole family. I also thought about a book I'm reading where a woman loses two babies at different times. As I'm agonizing by myself I was reminded of a truth that Jill Hooper shared when she was the speaker at our women's retreat. (Jill, if you ever read this I hope it's ok I shared :) As she struggled with breast cancer she would always read about other women who died from this disease and it caused much fear. One day, she realized "that's not MY story." Her story could look very different....GOD was in control of it. GOD was writing her story. Whether she lived or died, it would be HER story and no one else's. God reminded me of this in those moments. So I started saying out loud..."That's not my story! Job's life is not my story!" I don't have to fear just because this has happened to other people. I was hit with the reality that I already knew in the back of my head....we could loose another child. I can't hold onto them. I have NO control....I must trust(but I don't want to, I CAN'T just by willing myself to) God, I can't even pray, I can't think anymore.....If you take Holden will I still say you are good? Will I be able to say "you give and take away, blessed be your name?" Is this going to be my story?

All I can say is only by His grace would I ever be able to continue saying it. As I think about it happening(losing another) I don't think I could but that's the thing about grace...we can't borrow it for tomorrow. It's for today and God always provides it for tomorrow. We can't fathom how we could possibly keep going. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING." In my limited understanding I don't see how I could continue to trust....but when I consider who HE IS, I know there's hope no matter what.

Well, I'm exhausted so I can't keep writing tonight.....I'll try and post part two of the story tomorrow.

OH, and I read every one of your comments.....they are very life giving to me, so Thank you!! Thank you for being prayer warriors FOR US!

I'll write about all the (rest) of the details of our hospital stay with Holden........for now, he is doing much better. We are so thankful. That's an understatement. You know the beginning and the end, I just need to finish the middle tomorrow. Does that even make sense? I'm half asleep!

Let me start at the beginning

2008-07-09T16:13:00.002-05:00

I am finding it to be very good for me to "journal." My thoughts are racing and my heart is so full of things I want to share. I pray that what comes out is only what God wants shared. I know there's really no such thing as "too good to be true" with God but so many times over the years I've thought this. Then, I would say to God, "This is bad theology the way I'm thinking. It's too good to be true that you sent your son to die for me, a sinner." This fact alone is too wonderful for me to comprehend....and not just this but also that I have a purpose to my life. I'm not just here to live, get married, have children and die. I can know God personally and He can transform my whole world. And the BEST part is that I get to spend eternity with Him where there is no pain, no sadness, no loss. But still, I thought my life was too good. My parents are awesome, I have wonderful friends, I couldn't ask for a better husband, I've been blessed with four children that are all happy and healthy. I've never struggled with believing God is good because He has never allowed anything in my life to cause me to doubt Him, well nothing really "big" anyway. I've mostly had to trust God in the lives of my friends, as I've watched them struggle with really big things. Struggling marriages, loss of a newborn, raising kids(I have struggled along with them on this one,) feeling lonely, depression, etc.

Some of you have already read that I've struggled with fear the past few months. God has been preparing me for this loss. Over and over in my head I would think, "What would I do if I lost Billy or one of the children?" Every time I would go back to trusting a God who has perfect love for me. I didn't really pray, "God, please never let this happen," because I believe God ordains everything! I would always think that God would give me the grace to make it no matter how painful. I can remember in our Chicago house when we put everybody to bed at night I would just want to protect the children. God just let me keep them where they are, safe and content in their beds and nothing can harm them. I knew I wasn't in control even though I wanted to be.

I'm not making this up.....I promise! The night before Alaina died I went to sleep thinking about my life. We had been planning a reunion with some of my college friends and I was saying to God...."When all of us get together, what am I going to share? One has lost a baby, one has lost her Dad as a teenager and gone through infertility, one has gone through a major hurricane and one just buried her brother. What's my struggle to share???? Am I just there to comfort them, having never gone through anything hard compared to them???

The next morning I found my daughter....she was gone. I still have the horrible images in my head. You can pray about that for me. I can still hear my mom screaming in the background. I still feel physically sick just thinking about that morning. On Tuesday Alaina came in my room at around 5:00 am and said "Mama I threw up in my bed." I went in her room and saw that she had but is wasn't much because she had an empty stomach. I gave her a bath and made her a place on the couch to rest. I just thought she had a stomach bug...like several she has had before. All the classic symptoms...weak, can't keep anything down, tired. She slept a lot that day but was awake some. I remember vividly that she got up from the recliner to hide from my Dad when he came home. She covered herself with a blanket on the couch and giggled when he found her. At one point she wanted to watch The Wizard of OZ and when I got her settled in the bed she was asleep before the movie even started. I just thought she was really worn out from our crazy schedule on top of being sick. She tried a Popsicle and some juice and water but couldn't keep it down. I decided around 6:00pm not to give her anything else to eat or drink. She slept in the recliner until around 9:00 when I went to bed and put her in the bed with me. She moved and talked in her sleep. I got up around 3:00am and couldn't sleep so I got on the couch and eventually fell asleep. I heard Mary Helen crying the next morning. She was in a pack n play in Alaina's room. I walked in the room and Alaina wasn't on the bed and I had a flash of panic in my head. I looked on the other side of the bed and she had fallen off. I reached down to get her and knew something felt different. She didn't feel right. I won't give anymore details but I will tell you that I immediately started CPR. In my head I kept thinking she was already gone, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could save her life. The paramedics got there quickly and they were with her maybe 15 minutes or so. I was outside holding onto my mom and dad (Billy wasn't here.) I prayed for a miracle but could just sense what they would come out and tell us. My dad came out and his words were "No baby, she's gone." Never have I known such intense pain....physical, emotional, mental. It's physically hard to type right now.

What makes it even harder is that we had no time to prepare.....even if we had taken her to the Dr. and they had told us it was Meningitis and there was nothing they could do...at least I would've had a day to think about it. But God is God and I am not. He is the one that makes those decisions. You know all the places your mind goes, though. What if I had only?

So today, this is where God finds me. Desperate, sad, broken, empty, hitting rock bottom. Sobbing as today I look through the pool bag to get Holden some goggles and see Lew's pink goggles. Picturing her learning to swim this summer and how proud she was. Looking up and seeing Holden standing in the door watching me cry with such a pitiful look on his face. Seeing Elley wearing some of Alaina's clothes(they had so many matching things), watching her walk around in Alaina'a sandals. The sting is everywhere. You can't escape it, you can't bury it, it's staring you in the face. You must walk through it. But how?????? It's a one word answer....GOD. It's the gospel of grace. That's why I want to press on. My hope is in him. My hope is in spending eternity with Him. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think people in heaven can see us down here. If they could they would see how sad we are and it would make them sad. And just as the song at the funeral said "then all hurt and pain will cease and we will be with Him forever and in His presence we will live." I would go nuts if I thought for one minute that she was sad, lonely or looking for me. I know my God sees me, though. He is carrying my burden because it's too much for me. The reality is my Lew is better than she has ever been. She is with her heavenly Daddy and has never known such joy! This makes me smile. This brings some joy back to me. This makes me long for heaven. Jesus, Thank You!!! Thank you that you made this possible. Because of this gospel of grace, I will make it!!!!!

Where do I even begin?

2008-07-09T00:29:00.002-05:00

I am taking a step of faith by opening up my heart to you in hopes that God will use our journey to draw you to himself. I don't know how God will use it through a sinner like me, but I trust that He will. Well, I know that everyone he uses is a sinner, so I'm no different :) Several of my friends know that I was hesitant to list our blog address for EVERYONE at the funeral. I trust that if you're taking the time to read this that you truly want to know. Obviously my posts will look very different now. Well, some things won't be different, that's the hard part. We'll continue to take lots of pictures, go to the pool, have school things, have play dates....it will just all be without her. It's very lonely without her. You'd think with three other children it wouldn't seem so lonely, but it does. I promise to be "real." It's my desire to be real and honest. Give me grace if my thoughts don't make sense and especially my punctuation/wording... all that mess.

Several months ago Billy was struggling with some things at work and I kept saying "This is where the rubber meets the road for us. This is when our faith truly makes a difference in how we live. Do we really believe what we say we believe? Do we believe God ordains EVERYTHING? If we do, then when we go through "hard" things it looks different for us compared to a non-believer."

This is exactly what we're facing now with the loss of our little girl. If not for the hope of the gospel being REAL and TRUE I think, well, I know that I would be completely consumed with sadness. I almost can't even cry anymore, it's almost not real that she's gone. In a lot of ways it's like Alaina and Elley were twins. They did everything together. Elley loves all the things Alaina loved. So we are surrounded with sweet, precious memories, very hard to think about without crying memories. Billy, my Dad and I took Clemson(nephew), Holden and Alaina to a creek today. You know exactly what I was doing the whole time. Yep, I was picturing Alaina with them splashing, laughing and excited. I walked down the dirt road crying, not because I didn't want my Dad or Billy to see me, but because I don't want Elley and Holden to see their mom crying ALL the time. You can pray for this. Of course, they are not as devastated as we are. I know they still probably think Alaina will be coming home in a few weeks...she's just on a little trip. It's so confusing for them. I don't think they realize they will never play with their sister again in this life. How do you process this when you're 2 and 6???? Yet another thing I must trust Jesus about.

I've always been a people pleaser in that I don't want anyone upset with me and I, of course, want them to like me. I hate any kind of conflict. For probably the first time in my life I Don't care what people think. Don't get me wrong, I care as long as it relates to the GOSPEL. Otherwise I feel so FREE. This is something huge in my life......a process God has been working on for the past three years especially. I'm not nearly as concerned with what people think of my kids, how they are "behaving," whether they think I'm a good mother/wife/cook/housekeeper, etc, etc. Losing Alaina will help me be a better mother. I am free to not worry about stupid things, insignificant things like them watching 30 more minutes of TV or obeying the first time EVERY time I tell them to do something.

I ONLY want to be consumed with my Jesus....not with sadness. I long to "live my life for an audience of ONE." (Tammy Murden quote). My security, self worth, EVERYTHING must ultimately come from Him and not anyone or anything else. This road we are traveling now is a constant reminder of my old way of thinking. For so many years, I lived the christian life viewing it like a mountain. You just keep climbing to the top getting higher and higher, becoming a "better" christian until one day you pretty much "arrive." It was such a legalistic way to live. I used to think, "Oh, they're a strong christian, a mature believer, they don't struggle with the things I do, they've mastered things like trusting God and being disciplined." Now, the longer I walk with Him, I see more and more how sinful I truly am. The christian life is a continuous cycle of Repent and believe.....repent and believe the gospel. Over and over again. I must believe the gospel now more than ever before, I do believe it!

I hope you don't look at me. What I mean is that I want you to look at Jesus. I'm telling you, anything I am doing "right" is only from Him. In and of myself I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to keep going. My strength is all by His grace, the funeral was all by His grace, making it through one day is all by His grace. His free grace and love, and mercy, and kindness, and faithfulness and compassion. He is the great "I AM." I picture it as Him saying "I AM....whatever you need. Fill in the blank." Grief is so complex. Society either thinks you're weird if you are sad for a LONG time or you're being fake because you seem "over it" too quickly. I don't think I have to be strong or "hold it together." I feel no pressure. I feel free to just be. I'm not running to Jesus, he's running to me, my high priest is interceding for me when I don't even have the words to pray. He's holding me when I can't "hold on." He's carrying me when I don't want to walk.

ok, all these words are not just for you. It's for me, too. This is the closest thing to a journal I'll probably ever have. To Him alone be the glory!!!!!

Final note: we learned on Monday that Lew (my little nickname forAlaina) had some form of Meningitis. I'll post more details on that later.

Grieving with hope

2008-07-08T11:56:00.002-05:00

Sweet friends, (Billy always says don't say "sweet," instead say "kind," because kindness is a fruit of the spirit, but oh well :)

I'm in awe of God. I am amazed at God's people. Never have I been so held up, prayed for, thought for, cared for, loved.....I am utterly humbled that God has equipped my family by his GRACE for such a time as this. I don't even know where to begin as my thoughts/emotions are all over the place. Your words of encouragement and prayers on our behalf are precious to me!! Thank you for walking this road with us, for coming alongside to love and pray and serve. The funeral was perfect, it was everything I wanted it to be. Hopefully, with some help I can post the slide show from the visitation and the little booklet about Alaina that was given out. I also want to get the songs on here that were sung.

"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty

who was and is and is to come.

With all creation I sing, Praise to the risen king,

You are my everything, and I WILL adore you."

"You give and take away, you give and take away,

my heart WILL CHOOSE to say, Lord blessed be your name"

ok, right now playing on my computer is a song that I love, so I'll end with the chorus-

"Your blood, has washed away my sin, Jesus, Thank you,

the Father's wrath completely satisfied,

Jesus, Thank you,

Once your enemy, now seated at your table,

Jesus, Thank You!

2008-07-03T11:14:00.002-05:00

Oh dear friends, I don't even know what to type. I am broken. So, So sad. My little girl is gone and I just want her here. I didn't even want to come in this room because this is where she and I slept the night she was sick. There are memories everywhere. Sweet, precious memories. My heart is so broken. I can't imagine life without her as today was even harder than yesterday. This morning was so quiet with just me, Billy and my parents in the house. After the quiet, just weeping, all four of us. Then quiet again. We know we will make it. Christ will hold us and carry us. It's hard to breathe. I Do believe with all my heart that He is good! It's all for His glory anyway. He is holding onto us even when we don't have the strength to hold onto Him. Thank you for your prayers on our behalf...they are holding us together. We will tell Holden today. He loved his sister so much. Please pray for that time with him. I'll write again later.

Check out my Slide Show!

2008-06-26T12:58:00.001-05:00

Catching Up

2008-06-26T09:52:00.002-05:00

Oh how I've missed blogging...this is going to be a big ole catch up post. We have not slowed down since we left Chicago. I already miss it there but am also excited about being back in Alabama where I no longer get asked about my accent but can actually laugh because I think everyone here sounds soooooo Southern now.

Let's see, since we've been in we've been to Butler, Fairhope for two weeks, Florida for a week, and now in Cullman Alabama where we found a house!!!! AND we have a contract on our house in Illinois!! We decided to look for a rental house and live there for at least a year since we're needing to buy two vehicles and we lost money on our house with the market being the way it is. Ok....I'm in love....with our rental house. It has been for sale since January and Billy happened upon it. He asked Branden(the seller) if he would be willing to rent it for a year and was called back in two hours with a Yes. We have the option to buy it after a year if we choose and honestly, this could be our forever house. I looooove it. It's very old, all hardwood floors, five bedrooms, great porch with a swing, great yard with huge, beautiful trees, etc, etc, etc!!!!!

So, let me back up a minute. Billy calls me at my parents (after he had only been looking for a day or so) and wants me to come and see this house. He very much tried to downplay it. He acted like he couldn't remember how many bedrooms it had and said his office would have to be in the garage....this was my first clue that he was trying to "get me." I just said Ok, and headed to Cullman. He takes me to a house in the country that was for rent/sale. We walked through it and it needed SO much work and everything was a mess. We get back in the car and Billy says that this was the best he had looked at. Sigh.....So I'm thinking "you've got to be kidding me!" Now, I had already been praying about my attitude. Praying to be content with whatever God provided and to be thankful for a place to lay our heads at night. As we drive away I'm praying in my head "just have a low expectation, just have a low expectation....."

Next stop is the house Billy originally called me about. We pull in the driveway and I'm already sold. As we're walking onto the front porch I start saying "Are you serious? Is this a joke?" I walked all through the house and immediately knew it was the house for us. It far exceeded my expectation. My only fear was that we would rent it for a year and I would have to leave. Then Billy tells me we can buy it after a year if we want. It is such a gift..... Billy is already saying "You're never going to want to leave are you? We're never going to live in the country are we?"

This house (location wise) is in the heart of everything. I can walk to the library and football field. Please come see us!!!!!!! This means you, Chicago people who have NEVER been to Alabama!!!!!!

We're having all our stuff packed up in Chicago and will be moving in mid July. School starts AUGUST 6...Can you believe that???? That's like 5 weeks away.

Hey

2008-06-05T11:41:00.002-05:00

We are in Alabama and I left my computer behind.....thus no new post. As soon as I can upload my pictures I'll give an update on all our adventures. I'm kinda anal about posting without pictures to go with it. It might be a while because we are all over the place right now!!!! I miss blogging since it has sort of become my journal. Take care friends!!

Check out my Slide Show!

2008-05-26T00:55:00.001-05:00

Holden's Kindergarten Graduation

2008-05-26T00:15:00.002-05:00

This was an emotional night for me. Billy wasn't able to be there because of the new job so just Mary H. and I went to see Holden. I cried. The tears started when they all walked in to "He is exalted," and continued when he went to get his diploma. So many emotions....thankful for the gift that he is to our family, proud of all he has learned this year, thankful for a Godly teacher, and all this mixed with the emotions of our move. I feel like we just dropped him off for his first day and now the year is done! I am treasuring this time. When I was pregnant with Mary Helen, my pastor's wife (Karen) gave me a clock and this is what the card said that went with it...

"In the homes of my friends you will find one thing in common...a clock from me. I love to give this gift with the thought that it celebrates time spent together...time God gives us to grow...time needed with 3 + 1 more on the way...a reminder EVERY MINUTE of TIME is a GIFT FROM GOD!"

"Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom" Psalm 90:12

This will always be a precious reminder for me. Every time I see this clock I am thankful for each day of life...another day God has given. I will be thankful for TIME with this little boy of mine.

Holden's Circus....This is for you, Maw, Paw, Pops and Nana

2008-05-20T17:26:00.012-05:00

The Kindergarten Circus was last Thursday...It was awesome! The tigers had to be my favorites, but I also enjoyed the tight rope walker, snake charmer, trapeze girls and clowns. We were very entertained and were even able to purchase lemonade and popcorn for 10 cents. What a deal!! Click on the pictures to see them up close.

Losing teeth, rolling over, Mother's Day, a "heart breakthrough," and two little girls in Alabama

2008-05-12T14:07:00.011-05:00

Peanut rolls over

We've had a few firsts lately. Holden lost his two bottom teeth and Mary H rolled over. Exciting stuff at the Atchison home ;)

Mother's Day was weird without Billy, Alaina and Elley being here. Me, Holden and MH went to breakfast with some friends and then to church. The BEST part of the day was something that happened with Holden after church. We're driving home and he just had a little boy attitude. Selfish attitude. Me, me, me, all about me attitude. You get the idea. So I'm trying to talk to him calmly, really trying to get him to see his heart attitude. I said, "Everything is not all about you, Where you want to eat, What you want to eat, the next toy you want to buy, etc. You're not even enjoying what you have but only thinking of the next thing you want." Now let me back up a minute. I have really tried to do some special things with him since Billy and the girls have gone. I know moving is hard on him and the girls going to my parents and him having to stay behind AGAIN because of school. We have gone places he wanted to go and I let him pick out lots of things HE likes at the grocery, etc. I struggle with where the line is between wanting to do some fun things for him but not wanting him to start to have an "I deserve" attitude and it's all about what I want to do all the time. Soooo, we're having this discussion in the van and he gets very quiet.

We get home and I get him to feed MH for me. He's sitting on the couch so I tried to find something for him to watch while feeding her. There was a Veggie Tales on the DVR so I turned that on, and even then, he said "I don't want to watch this" and turned off the TV. I told him I wasn't going to change it and if he wanted to watch something that was the only choice. He turned it back on and begins to watch it. It is the one where the man has all these rubber duckies, tons of them, but is only worried about getting another one. So here it is.....the best part of my mother's day....

I walked in the living room and Holden said, "Mama, he's just like ME...he has ALL those ducks but wants MORE...that's how I was acting."

Ohhhhhh, I was soooo thankful that HE recognized this in himself. He GOT IT!!! This is something we talk about a lot. Jesus came to serve not to BE served...consider others better than yourselves, etc. I knew this was a breakthrough moment for him. It was one of the first times that he was able to see his own selfishness without me pointing it out. We have a faithful God who loves our children more than we do....loves them enough to change their hearts!!! Thank you Jesus, for your grace in our lives, causing us to see our depravity...but you don't leave us there.....you have lavished your love and grace on us and we get to experience that all the more.

So we spent the afternoon in the basement playing shoot the army men down with the rubber band. (see above) Later on Holden said "Mama, how's my attitude???" This does my heart good.......I don't expect him to be perfect, I know none of us will be until heaven, but I long for my children (and myself) to (by the grace of God) live an unselfish life. A life that is others focused. A life that brings God glory.

Meanwhile, Elley and Alaina are loving life at my parents....playing outside, playing in the creek, spending the weekend with Beeney(Mary Blake). I thought this was great- Alaina sees the card I sent my Mom for Mother's Day and thinks it's for her. She gets it and opens it up and says, "It says, My mommy loves me so much!" I do little girl!

Tagged by Amy Cook.......

2008-05-09T15:20:00.005-05:00

10 Years ago I had just finished my Junior year of college and was getting ready to go to Thailand with Campus Outreach for the summer. That summer is when I knew I would marry Billy. Truly couldn't ask for a better husband and father.

5 things on my to do list-

Clean out my fridge
Scrapbook
Get the house ready for "Open House" tomorrow
Pay bills
Take some pictures of Mary H. outside

5 snacks I love-

vanilla yogurt
cheese
fruit (bananas especially) and with cream cheese fruit dip, ummmm
chips and cheese/sausage dip
peanuts/almonds

If I were a billionaire I would-

adopt (maybe!)
own a big beach house
I know Billy would want to buy lots of land and live in the country...one of his life goals..
buy lots of antiques
give a lot away

5 bad habits-

I'm not very disciplined, you know, like exercising or getting a sandwich but leaving off the fries
I'm a spender and not a saver
In the winter I don't shave my legs very much...kinda gross
Don't drink enough water
Talk too loud, too fast, and even too much sometimes

5 jobs I've had-

lifeguard in high school
McDonalds(beach project)
Maid and restaurant worker at Holiday Inn(beach project)
Third grade teacher
Mom

5 Places I've lived-

Butler Alabama(grew up there)
Livingston Alabama (college)
Thailand and New Zealand for several months(had to include these to make 5)
Fairhope Alabama
Chicago...actually Yorkville Illinois ( about an hour from Chicago)

Ok, you're tagged.....Aimee Weathers, Cathi Maham and Kari Veenstra

A quiet house

2008-05-04T22:18:00.005-05:00

We took Billy, Alaina and Elley to the airport this morning. They left holding Billy's hand with their pink dresses and little backpacks (and lipstick on) waving and smiling at me. I didn't cry. Much unlike the time they left with my parents right after Mary H. was born....I was sobbing as they loaded the car...so hormonal!!!! It's good to know my hormones have sort of gotten back to "normal." The house was so quiet today and it will continue to be for the next few weeks. I have come to love the quiet moments but I also love the laughter, listening to them talk to one another(when their speaking in a kind way), just listening to them be little girls. I've decided that Mary H. is going to be our quiet, shy little girl. Do you think this is possible??

House news: Nobody came during the open house today :( :( You know what, though, this is what I continue to go back to....God is in control of every detail of our lives...even the sell of a house. After all, it's JUST a house. And, if we end up getting a realtor....it's JUST money. When my flesh wants to be discouraged, God brings me back. Holden's principal said that she thinks EVERYTHING goes back to trusting God and I agree 100%. Do I really trust that he knows best? He's the point. I'm NOT the point.

Oh, we did have a couple walk through yesterday and their realtor said our house was in their top 3...so that's good news.

What am I going to do with my time while Holden's at school the next three weeks? Hmmmm.... cut the grass(not fun), get a new drivers license (not fun because those people that work in that office are always mean and impatient), scrapbook (fun), connect with friends(fun), do some things Holden wants to do(fun), oooh, actually going somewhere with just Mary H. (in the stroller and not wanting to get out) and Holden who stays right with me...our outings are going to be a piece of cake!!! What else?? Exercise(kind of fun), see Holden's Kindergarten graduation(fun but sad too because my little boy is growing up too fast), spend some time in the Word(needed), and have tons of un-interrupted conversations, and no, this isn't in order of importance ;)

Last thing...All you Idol watchers....yes, American Idol....Who's your pick?

4 months already..Go ahead a say it..she looks like Billy

2008-04-29T15:25:00.005-05:00

Latest plans

2008-04-29T10:23:00.002-05:00

So we have a new plan in the works, for which I am very thankful. Billy is flying to Fairhope on Sunday and is taking Alaina and Elley with him. They will stay with my parents for the next few weeks while Holden finishes school. This will make the next few weeks soooo much easier. It will just be Mary H. and I during the day while Holden is at school and I can manage showing the house by myself....well, unless they start asking lots of questions about the septic tank, heater, taxes, etc. If the house doesn't sell in the next few weeks, we'll go ahead a get a realtor and Holden, Mary H. and I will drive to my parents to stay. I didn't want to be here by myself all summer, especially trying to sell a house. Billy will be doing new job training the next few months. That's our plan....God has given me such a gift in my parents. They are always so willing to help whenever we need them and they truly love our kids. Alaina and Elley will love being there and I will have lots of extra time to finish up things here. I can't believe it is finally time to move. Now we just have to figure out where we're going after my parents house :)

PICTURES

2008-04-25T16:23:00.002-05:00

ok, so is it obnoxious how many pictures I have on this blog???? If it is, I'm sorry....I just love pictures!!! Who would even be honest enough to tell me if they thought there were too many? :) Probably no one, except NATE CONRAD who made fun of my "Who are you?" post. So Nate, I don't even want to know your opinion.

Just for fun- Cubs game...Yummy brownies...enjoying Spring

2008-04-24T08:31:00.015-05:00

Alone..Lost...with three children..in downtown Chicago..all of them talking to me..not a good combination!!!!

2008-04-21T16:34:00.005-05:00

We had quite the adventure on Sunday afternoon. I decide to venture out by myself to take Holden, Alaina and Elley to the Aquarium downtown while Billy has the open house. This was my first time to drive by myself that far into downtown...Alaina and I did go to see Princesses on Ice at the United Center but that didn't seem as complicated. So I'm going along fine using my easy mapquest directions until we get to the Indiana signs for I90 and I get ALL turned around. So, I start heading to Indiana...the wrong direction to be going!! I quickly started praying. "ok Lord, you know me and directions..all I know to do is what's on this piece of paper!! You've got to get us back on track...YOU'VE got to get us there!!!" And He did after a while :)

So I exit off whatever interstate we were on(the wrong one!) and have to resort to pulling up next to someone and rolling down my window and waving at them to roll their window down so I can talk to them. Of course, I get the "what is this freak next to me doing? Are they going to shoot me or something kind of look. " Reluctantly, the man rolls down his window and I tell him I'm trying to get to the Shedd Aquarium. He goes "OH, my gosh" to implicate I'm a ways from there. The light turns green and he yells "Sorry" as he drives away. I jump out of the van and start yelling at him to come back and help me. Just kidding, but I sure wanted to!! I did hear him say to get back on 55N and that the aquarium was by soldier field. So, we do just that and I start to see the right signs! Thank you, God! Then, we get so close that we pass it and I just can't figure out how to get to it to park. That took us another good 20 minutes or so.

Before we finally got close to the building I said to myself "This is my worst nightmare!! Something I never wanted to be doing....Driving, by myself, in downtown Chicago!!! Here we are weaving our way through all this crazy traffic and tall buildings, I was gripping the steering wheel. Its is ONLY God that we ever made it without me calling Billy crying and telling him to come get us.

We arrive, FINALLY and the kids had a great time. We only had one incident with a security guard, actually, I think he was just an aquarium worker...with ,you guessed it...Elley. I can honestly say I don't think she left us, I think we left her(oops) I thought she was following right behind me through the Komodo dragon exibit and I turned around right as we were exiting and she was gone. She had gone the other way, back through the entire exibit. So I weave my way back through all the people and I must have had the "I can't find my child look" because several people looked at me and said "the guy at the entrance has her!" Sure enough, she was with the aquarium worker and a lady was kneeling down beside her asking, I'm sure, about where her mother was. Honestly, I wasn't as panicked as I was when we were all lost driving in Chicago.

Overall, it was a great day. It wouldn't be a true Atchison trip if we didn't have a little excitement. I was so tired on the way home, mainly from constantly saying to myself "1 2 3 Do I have everybody? Is everybody with me? 1 2 3, ok we have everyone." Doing that over and over is kind of draining in a crowd of people. Well, the kids suddenly get there second wind in the car on the way home and they were being pretty loud and silly. You know, they really get it honestly being children of two extroverts, two crazy parents. Finally, Alaina suggests we play the quiet game and I say "that's a GREAT idea!!!!" Within 5 minutes they were all asleep. Ahhhhhhhh! Worked like a charm. Oh, it was a quiet, peaceful car ride the rest of the way home. I'm so thankful for little gifts like this. And, I'm thankful that God always takes care of me when I get myself into these messes.

Little updates

2008-04-19T16:57:00.002-05:00

It has been a crazy week. I took Mary Helen to the Dr. on Thursday(she was the last one to get sick) because she had 101.3 fever and since Billy was diagnosed with...well, let me just spell it the way Billy would- Bron-kite-us....yes, he spells words exactly how they sound. I know that's a bad run-on sentence....anyway, with everyone else sick I just wanted the Dr. to take a look at her since she's still so small. She tested positive for the flu and they sent me to the hospital for a chest x-ray. Sweet thing, she didn't even cry through the x- ray...she just sat strapped to the little chair while I held her arms above her head, just looking at me all wide-eyed. The xray showed she had the beginning stages of pneumonia :( Thankfully, we caught it so early and she was able to start the antibiotic before it got any worse. She is already doing better.

Billy, however is still not over his.... he went back in on Friday and the Dr. said he probably has pneumonia too and will need to start a different antibiotic. Sooooo, lots of sick people around here.

Billy kept Mary H. with him today for the open house and the rest of the crew and I went to the Children's museum in Naperville. Oh, SUCH a better outing today than my last museum visit!!! They all listened and obeyed and we had a great day. Nobody ran away from me and they just had a ball playing. We did have one couple come to the open house and they loved it. They told Billy they wanted to meet with their bank to see if they can afford it. So, we'll see. I've learned not to get my hopes up because several people have told us this. God had the right family.

I think we're going to head to the aquarium tomorrow after church while Billy does the open house. I want to take advantage of all the fun Chicago things since we'll be leaving soon!

Take care, friends,
Hope

Random Things

2008-04-15T17:23:00.006-05:00

ok, so it started with Holden being sick, then Billy and me kind of at the same time, then Elley, now today Alaina has a fever too! This morning Billy said I was being short with him and that maybe I needed some time by myself to read my bible and listen to the holy spirit. :) He's right, I always need that time, but he was really just trying to "push my buttons." Just like the time I was really upset about something(can't even remember what) and he wanted me to take 10 deep breaths with him. That made me want to spit nails!!! He wouldn't leave me alone but just kept insisting we take 10 deep breaths together. Now that's one of our jokes when HE is upset. I tell him we're going to sit down and take 10 deep breaths. That's all, just 10!

Shifting gears now, I really thought a couple was going to make an offer on our house this weekend. But, they ended up making an offer on a town home. :( Their realtor said they didn't know if they wanted to deal with a yard. So, back to our open house this weekend. Please pray that it will sell!!!

We have entered the world of polly pockets. Right now, I am listening to Billy play polly's with El and Alaina. It's so funny/cute hearing them pretend. We're surrounded with princesses, babies, dress up, along with Holden's star wars figures, dinosaurs, legos and superheros. It's too fun, though, and I wouldn't trade it.

What else.....that's all I can think of at the moment. Oh yeh , did I mention that I love my sweet Mary Helen? She's the best little baby. I think I'll post a few pics of her. I don't like posting anything without at least one picture!!

Thanks, friends, for all your great comments...I love reading them!!

Alaina Update

2008-04-13T20:29:00.003-05:00

Laina Lew, Lucy, Lew....these are all my names for her. She had a great week at Karen's!! (read a few posts down if you don't know what I'm talking about) Yeah! Karen said she was welcome any time! So, I guess by the time I left the REPEATED conversations we had finally "sunk in" at least a little bit. She can be the sweetest thing one minute and the next pretty strong- willed. Does that word have a dash?? Anyway, I'm very thankful for a good week.

When she called me from Karen's, the first thing she said was "Mama, I didn't hit!!"

*****This is Holden after Billy let HIM shave his own head!! Can we say ANGRY!! Can we say NEVER AGAIN!!! Yes, I know this has nothing to do with Alaina but I do like the pic of HER.

The Move

2008-04-11T20:38:00.005-05:00

Here's the scoop on our move. Billy is taking a new job and his territory is North Alabama. HIs office will be at home, so we can live anywhere in North Alabama. We'll do the same thing we did when we moved here...figure out where we want to go to church and based on that where we will live. We've had the house on the market for about 1 month. Every Saturday and Sunday we've had open houses and a steady stream of people coming through but no offers. Hopefully, we can move towards the beginning of the summer.

Oh, we're going to miss the snow and our sledding hill.( not to mention our sweet friends and one of the best churches we've ever been a part of!)

Hard but good

2008-04-08T12:56:00.000-05:00

We (the girls and I) went to Indiana this weekend to see my sister and brother in law and our nieces. Karen(sister in law) has three girls. Bethany is 6 and the twins Caroline and Rachel are 4. We were taking Alaina so she could stay the week with them. Overall, it was a great weekend...beautiful weather to go to the park and be outside. We watched the girls have a "ball" in the livingroom dressed in their princess dresses and dancing around together. We were able to go the the Indianapolis Children's Museum 2 different days!! If you ever get a chance to go to this museum don't pass it up....it's the best I've ever been to. So anyway, about the hard part. The girls were playing well together but we were having a few issues the first few days.....Alaina getting frustrated while playing and hitting or speaking in an unkind way to the others. Of course, the hitting usually resulted in someone hitting back. Alaina never had one conflict with Bethany and she was saying she didn't want to play with Caroline and Rachel. I know all of these behaviors(and my own!) reveal what's in her heart...sin! "Out of the overflow of the HEART the mouth speaks." I felt like we weren't getting anywhere as I talked through it with her. The day we were leaving, we decided to go back to the children's museum on our way home. And, so begins the events that led to my breakdown!! :) Oh, I forgot...before we ever got to the museum we ate at Chick-filet and Alaina hit one of the girls in the play area so I made her sit out the rest of the time. She cried and cried but we kept her sitting on the bench in the play area so it wouldn't be so annoying for everyone eating lunch. ok, so we get to the childrens museum and Alaina was being unkind to Caroline and Rachel("I don't want to play with them")....this breaks my heart because I know how hurtful it can be. I've seen other kids do it to Alaina and how it affected her. Then, after we talk through that, she runs onto the carosel without waiting on us so I make her sit out (again) while everyone else rides. Again, she cried and cried but there were so many kids there it didn't seem so loud. At this point, I'm really wondering if we should leave her for at Karen's for the week. I leave Karen with her girls and Elley so that I can go change Mary Helen's poop that was coming out her diaper(Alaina goes with me.) So before I change Mary H. , I call Billy to see what he thinks about me leaving Alaina at Karen's. His points were good. He said if Karen was up for the challenge that we should leave her so that some of these issues could be worked on. (being kind to the twins, learning to use kind words when she's frustrated, having an extended time to obey other adults, etc. ) Not that we can "fix" her but we can TRAIN her and God has to change her heart. I can never do that no matter how much discipline and correction I give her. And thank you God for that because if takes off a lot of pressure!! So as I hang up with Billy and am finishing up Mary Helen's diaper I hear Elley crying outside the bathroom. In walks Karen holding Elley whose kicking and crying. She had run away from Karen..."the entire length of the museum." I go out of the bathroom and tell Elley she has to sit in the stroller and be buckled in because she ran away. This makes her cry even more , along with Alaina who is crying again because she had to get out of the stroller so that Elley could sit!!!!!! I look at both of them and say "we are leaving if you are going to continue to cry and if you can't obey....I'm not going to do this." And as quick and you can snap your fingers I was sobbing. Sweet Karen comes over to me and says "it's ok, we've all been there...just laugh about it!!" She takes all the girls with her while I cry in the bathroom stall. I even had a lady ask we if I was ok through the door :) I have my good cry all the while saying to myself "I'M JUST DONE!!!!!!!!!" But, the thing is, we are never "done" with our children just as God is never done with us. But, that's where my heart was. After all this I find Karen and she was such an encouragement. She reminded me of how Billy was as a child an said that Alaina reminded her of him. "With the right direction, just look at what she will become...just look at Billy." She said "I want you to leave her...I'm up for the challenge and I love her!" I so felt like she spoke such words of GRACE to me and not even a hint of judgement. You know what that's like, when you feel like others have no grace for your kids...it's a horrible feeling. The rest of the day went surprisingly well....the kids did great and God had used Karen to encourage me. Me, Elley and Mary H. left and I prayed a lot on the way home. I prayed for strength and wisdom for Karen and Jeff and for Alaina's heart... that she would "get it." How often do I not "get it." Her sin always points me to my own and it's a good reminder that I need God's grace as much as she does!! We'll see how the week goes...I'll keep you posted. I'm reminded of a song we sing at church....

Your amazing grace is perfectly free

Day by day your grace empowering me

to please you in all things

to walk in your ways

completely forgiven

AND IT'S ALL BY YOUR GRACE

Jesus, Thank you!

Happy Birthday Paw and B!!

2008-04-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

I promise, we do "normal" things too....it's not all deer cleaning

2008-04-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

We go to Disney, take Christmas pictures, play dress up, have dates with Daddy and eat cake

A Day In the Life...

2008-04-02T21:20:00.000-05:00

Many of you heard me tell about the afternoon I came home and found a deer that Billy shot hanging from our swing set. Well, this is the picture that you've all been waiting for! The kids were as exctied as Billy. I didn't want them to see it at first, but what was I thinking? They helped clean it. I know our nieghbors think we're freaks!!

2008-04-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

Here's an example to all of you that Billy hasn't changed much over the years(as far as his sense of humor.) This is a sample of an invitation that he made for our rehearsal dinner. He even printed it on pretty paper and told me this was what we were sending to people.

Mr. and Mrs. Dick Atchison
ask that ya'll come to our child's rehersel diner cause he is
marrying a girl named Hope Thompson

August 20, 1999

6:00pm rehearsal at First Baptist Church of Butler, Alabama
8:00 Rehearsal dinner at Ezel's Fish Camp
It's going to be really fun. Please come and have fun with us.
Wouldn't you like to be there. Lots and lots of fun!!!

***notice it's Dick and not Richard(which, as many of you know, according to Billy, Richard is not his real name bacause that's not what he "goes by" Remember the whole Jimmy Dick scenerio :)

Anyway, I thought this might make you smile.

2008-04-02T13:27:00.000-05:00

Yeah...I have a blog! I'm so excited to use this as a way to keep up with all "our people" in Chicago once we move. Also, I can maybe stop stalking all of my friend's blogs and work on my own! :) I'm pretty blogger illiterate so Billy will need to help me with pictures and all that fun stuff. Oh, he wanted to use our redneck Christmas card picture to be on the title for this blog. I've suffered through enough ridicule with that one. I refuse to use it on the world wide web!! He had as the title "Rednecks gone Yankee." Don't worry, I'll try to be the one to keep the blog updated, otherwise there's no telling what you might find.

Well, the picture got on here anyway thanks to Billy......Oh well!