March 8, 2009

I realized on Sunday, Alaina's birthday, that the anticipation of the day was much harder than the actual day. It's like when you're going to talk in front of a group of people and you feel nervous just before you're about to stand up...but when you actually start talking, the nervous feeling goes away and there's a calm. Sunday morning I kind of felt numb, like I couldn't be joyful or sad, I felt like I couldn't cry even it I wanted to. As the day went on, I kept thinking "I can tell many are praying for us today." There really was a sense of peace throughout our day. If I believe what the bible says about heaven, then there's no way any birthday party on this earth can compare. The problem is that I wanted to celebrate with her for many more years and then God could take me home first. But that's not how he chose our story to go and as hard as it is to accept, I can trust that He is God and I am not.

We went to church Sunday morning and I really didn't want to go because other than our close friends nobody knew it was her birthday. I've realized how much it means to me for others to remember her. After worship, all our close friends literally surrounded us and said they were praying and they loved us ....and at that moment we really "felt" loved. One friend said "I looked at your blog last night and I wish I could have known her. She seemed like so much fun!" Billy says he thinks this is one of the best things someone could say and I agree! I knew someone said something encouraging because I looked over at him (in another conversation) and he was sobbing. An "extra layer "of our grief that we have to work through is that no one here knew her. They don't "see" our loss as much as the families we've lived with the past three years....and now we don't live with those families anymore. Every time we're together with our friends here my natural tendency is to picture Alaina among them. I know they wanted to know her and I wish they had. She would LOVE our friends and their children.

Hurricane Creek Park was great....beautiful weather, beautiful scenery, and the kids loved it. I'm very glad we went.

Thank you so much to all of you who sent cards, emails, etc. as an extra reminder that you were praying for us on the days surrounding her birthday. Many of you have said to me that you wish you could take, or carry some of our pain. When you remember Alaina, when you send me an email or card or call me, or whatever you do to reach out to us, you ARE carrying some of our pain. You are helping to shoulder this burden. I know you don't feel like you are but I wouldn't say it if it weren't true. I'm beyond blessed and thankful that you have chosen to walk this road with us.

love,
Hope

Her birthday

I really didn't want to do this post. The minute I started I could feel that tightness in my throat and heaviness in my chest. Obviously, I would give anything to be planning her a fun and girly five year old birthday party but instead I'm trying to figure out how to spend it without her. Honestly, this is harder than Christmas or Thanksgiving. Your birthday is all about celebrating YOU. This was her day and instead of celebrating, we're sad and lonely. I know I will see her again but that day just seems so so so far away and it's hard not to think about it from an earthly perspective. It has been a tough week for Billy...he has cried many times and he asks me "why do you think I'm like this, I can just think about her for one second and if I keep thinking about it, I cry." This is just how grief is. You're "ok" for a while and then it hits you again harder than the time before. Grief is complicated that way.

Please just say an "extra" prayer for us the next few days. We've decided to just keep it simple on Sunday. We're staying in town and going to Hurricane Creek Park for a picnic and hike. It's a beautiful place with waterfalls, caves, streams, etc. The kids love going there and I know Alaina would've loved it too. I believe fully that Jesus will meet us where we are in our hurt as he has always done. I will continue to trust but I need his extra grace to do it.

The pictures above are from her 3 and 4 year birthday........

I hope you can hear this song from my playlist, it has been one of my favorites along this road.

Good Days..Fearful Days...Tearful Days...Snow Days

Good Days: The kids and Billy made me breakfast in bed. They make me smile.

Fearful Days: There's a crazy man in Cullman who has been attacking women and his sketch is all over the place and it says "Women Beware!" I've been paranoid Polly. Billy was out of town all last week and we spent the night with friends three nights in a row. I think he's hiding in my garage.

Tearful Days: Because they say this crazy/scary man is just walking into peoples homes(Because this never happens here and people in Cullman just leave their doors unlocked) and because WE have never locked our doors since we've moved here...all of a sudden, OF COURSE, I'm locking my doors. Because this isn't a normal habit, I locked myself out TWO times in one day last week and AGAIN the next day. Then I cried(when you're so frustrated and it's all you can do) in front of the man trying to pick my lock. (Thanks Andy) Finally, my car battery died and we were stuck in the driveway with psycho guy on the loose....probably watching us from the garage......

Snow Days: It snowed, surprisingly enough to cover the grass completely! Made me miss Chicago. The kids didn't know what to think about it melting in just one day.

***Because of the weather, First Baptist cancelled their services so we didn't share on Sunday. But thanks for praying anyway! I'll let you know if we reschedule.

*********I looked back at these pictures. Don't enlarge the one of me with my breakfast. Well, I know now that you will just because I told you not to! I have food all in my teeth. Sorry ;) Just wanted you to know that I noticed so you wouldn't feel sorry for me :)

Atchison Update

If you've been reading this blog for a while you probably remember me comparing our pain to an arm or leg being amputated. You use your arms and legs everyday and to be forced all of a sudden to live without them is pretty difficult. It's a long, hard process to begin to adjust. You feel it everyday, the loss. You wish you had your arm because life wouldn't be as hard. So, where are we in this healing process? It's hard to say, but I will tell you that we still have some very hard moments...the ache isn't as intense as it was those first few weeks, but it's still there and I guess always will be to some extent. I still have nights when I don't want to go to bed because I know the battle that is ahead in my mind. I know it will be a struggle when the house is completely silent and I'm alone with my thoughts. I know that if I think about it long enough I will cry myself to sleep. Maybe we're at the point where the bandages have been removed but the scar is right there on the surface for all to see. Sometimes you don't want to "practice" doing things without your arm....you just want to sit and think about how much easier things were when you had it. But God always gently and faithfully reminds you of his Sovereignty and his goodness...and by his grace you choose to continue fighting. He has expanded my eternal perspective and if I keep this before me I can truly have joy. I have a new way of thinking about suffering and trials. When the bible says "Give thanks in all circumstances" and "count it all joy when you face trials" I think it's really saying to shift our focus....I don't think God is calling me to be joyful about losing Alaina, to count it joy that I had to find her that morning...I think He's calling me to look to Him for my joy. To give thanks for who He is in the midst of the most horrible of circumstances...to give thanks that He is mighty enough to carry our burden even though we can't see or feel Him. That He is able to give me faith to believe that His promises are true. Like Billy says, "we're banking our whole lives on this." I'm not trying to make it sound like my struggle is always in this neat little package.... that I wrestle with God and doubt and then he reminds me of what is true and things are better. I DO get frustrated with God. I expect him to make my life easy now that we've been through something this hard....like I deserve it now. I think our kids should never be sick so we won't have to worry...just don't allow anything else in my life to be hard...that's what my flesh screams. But God says in his word that one of the roles of the Holy Spirit is to "remind us of all truth." So I know that when I do have right perspective it's not coming from anything I've mustered up. It's all the work of the Spirit. It's messy, but He always brings me back. It's his job. I've learned to be honest about how I feel and to speak it out loud. God can handle it.

He has given us lots of opportunity for laughter. Billy and I went to Fairhope a few weeks ago without the kids and our camping trip this past weekend was one of my favorites. I am more thankful everyday for the relationships God has given us and for the faithful friends who have "been there" with us and continue to walk with us. We're not alone....I see it as another means of grace that God has provided. Billy always loves to say that life is all about relationships...our relationship with God and relationship with other people. We want to give our lives to these relationships and pray that God will keep before us what really matters and help us not get caught up in the things that don't.

A few things you can pray for us: Alaina's birthday is March 8 and we're trying to decide what that day should look like. I think we'll try to get away and do something as a family.

This Sunday Billy and I are sharing our story with a Sunday school class at First Baptist here in Cullman. This will be my first time to share in front of a group, and most of the people in the class I've never met. Will you pray that God would grant us wisdom with what to share and that it wouldn't be about US. I know the details involve us but I want the story to point others to Jesus. It's not about the Atchisons.

Romans 11:33-36
"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgements, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has given to God, that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen

This, That and the Other

Just for fun

They've been there in our darkest days

Birthday dinner with Fairhope friends

This little peanut brightens my day

view from my porch...."the heavens declare the glory of God."

My heart is heavy

I know you've seen this picture here before but it's one of my favorite. The same photographer that took Elley and Mary Helen's pictures back in October lightened this up for me and thought they turned out beautiful..... that sweet, peaceful face. This was one of the last pictures I took of Laina(yes, I meant to leave off the A since that's what Elley calls her) and on this day it was a stress free photo session. We were in Florida with my mother in law and Holden, Lew and Elley were all running around outside by this lake so I grabbed my camera and started snapping. I never told them to look at the camera or smile because it never fails...that always seems to create stress. I just let them "be." I can't say anymore right now, it's just almost unbearable at the moment.

Well, one last thing. To all my faithful commenters, I want to say Thank You! I continued this blog after Laina died because I truly wanted to let you in on this journey. The past few years God has really been teaching me the value of being "real" and authentic (same thing :) This is one of the things I value MOST in others and so I have prayed that God would make it true of my life. So, although it's not about your comments, they really do encourage me. You know what, it's not really even what you say it's just that you take the time to say anything at all...even if it's just "I'm praying" or "I'm remembering Alaina today." What I'm trying to say is that it's very meaningful when you feel like your pain is acknowledged....that it's not forgotten. If I continued to pour my heart out to you and you never responded, well, that would be like me pouring my heart out to Billy and him just staring at me. Does that make sense? So just know that I always value what you say and it means the world to me that you are remembering my family and my Laina.