Got rid of these

 

Finishd baseball

 

 

Owners of a doublewide

 

A Peek Into Heaven

What I'm about to say is just an idea...I'm not saying this is fact because who really knows, but if heaven is truly how the bible describes then it helps me to live as a pilgrim in this world and let go of little things that really, in the scheme of eternity are not important (like painting my trailer before we move in). A dear woman in our church named Gloria Edwards went to heaven this past Saturday. This is the fact part. She was battling cancer and knew in the past month that her fight would soon be ending. Billy visited with her a few weeks ago. It seems the visit was encouraging for both of them. I just couldn't go. I kind of reasoned in my head that Billy was going for both of us. I wanted to say goodbye but just didn't want anything to do with death. Kind of ironic isn't it, because I wish deperately I could've said goodbye to Alaina. Anyway, Billy asked her questions like "Do you have any regrets looking back on your life? Are you scared?" etc. Then he asked her to do something....

"Could you find Alaina, this is what she looks like :) and hug her for me?" Gloria's response: "Nothing would thrill me more! He told Gloria about things that were special "Daddy things."

Gloria- "I'm going to find that little girl and we are going to have tea parties together!" She never met Alaina this side of heaven.

Again, I don't know if this is what it's like and it may sound corny to you, but I can dream, right? This is just not really something most people sit around and think about...unless you're longing for the place more everyday. I know it's wonderful.... and Billy and I said we wish we could "peek in" to see what she's doing....to see the brokeness of this fallen world made perfect and "right" again. Can she really be dancing with the King?

It's a beautiful thought isn't it...and to think it's even better than I imagine, now THAT gives me hope.

I had decided to go to Gloria's funeral but changed my mind at the last minute. I was in a "funk" that day...went to the strawberry patch with Elley and didn't want to make small talk with any of the other moms...didn't really want to talk to or even smile at anyone and I didn't care if I just stood there by myself. On the way home, I knew, I'm NOT going to a funeral today. Not today. I just can't. It's too familiar. It's OK not to go. Billy did go and he cried the whole time. It was REALLY hard. I don't have to tell you all the reasons why. You can imagine.

We've had some really great conversations about the purpose of life. It's a constant struggle thinking "Our life is just not going to be as good now that Alaina is gone." I mean, our life can still be good but not AS good. But I think this is a worldly way of thinking. If the purpose of life is to glorify God by knowing him and enjoying him forever, then he is fulfilling his GOOD purpose and plan for our lives. I can truly believe the verse that says "ALL things work togehter for the good of those who love him." I don't have to believe that all things are good, but he works it out FOR our good. There's a difference. Make sense? If life is about becoming like him, then He's using this in our life in a way we never imagined. Now yes, he could use anything to make us like Jesus, but it seems that he often uses the really painful, the heartbreaking, to accomplish his plan. It's a mystery that I don't understand and don't like but one that I will accept. I know I've said that before but it's something I preach to myself. And that's nothing of me, it's all a work of his grace. If it were up to me I think I would dwell in a state of hopelessness a lot of the time.

But I hope in his word- John 17:3 "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."

1 Thessalonians4:13-18

"Brothers, we do not want to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."

One of my favorite worship songs, we sang it at Alaina's funeral. "There is a day, that all creations waiting for, a day of freedom and liberation from the earth. And on that day He will come to meet his bride, for we will see him and in an instant we'll be changed....We will meet him in the air, and we will be like him for we will see him as he is, oh yeah...then all hurt and pain will cease and we'll be with him forever and in his presence we will live, oh yeah, oh yeah!"

Hey friends....

Company, Easter and Spring Break are to blame for the lack of posts. Well, and doublewide shopping. I know all about doublewides now. You have your three, four or five, yes five bedrooms....most complete with the garden tub and, of course, carpet in the bathrooms. I've sort of been on a roller coaster today. Billy takes me to one he found and it needs a LOT of work. Smells like smoke, needs new paint, awful carpet, and the whole time I'm saying "in my head"...just look past it, look past it, think about what it COULD look like." Then I start thinking about the time it will take to re-do this thing and it can become overwhelming. OK, so I'm thinking I can do it....after all, before and afters are really fun (when it's someone else's :) Then, Billy calls and says he has found another one that's already had most of the work done on the inside and is in much better shape. So we load up Holden and Mary Helen (Elley is at my parents) and ride the little golf cart around the "mobile home place" and he shows us the one he NOW has in mind. It was by far my favorite of the ones we've seen. So now I'm having a hard time going back to the really dumpy one :) This is a great lesson for me about wants and needs. I know we've joked a lot about living in a trailer but when I think about what millions of people "live" in I should be thankful we have shelter. Seriously, I have nothing to complain about and it's a good reminder to give thanks and be content. I'm trying to take one day at a time but there's so much going on. We're closing on the land tomorrow, moving soon, just put the house we're renting on the market, thinking about Holden going to public school next year...there's a lot swirling in my brain... and all this while still grieving the loss of a little girl.

At the same time though, I feel like we're coming through the fog a little bit. ( a friend described it that way and I thought it was a great word picture) I'm NOT going to feel guilty about what I've done or left undone the past year. We've just been fighting to survive... but I do feel like God is calling me to something deeper, especially with my children. I say all this not in a "I've failed to do this or that" kind of way but in a way that I feel challenged and excited to move forward. More than anything I want my children to love the Lord, to serve and put others before themselves, to NOT have an "I deserve" mentality. I realize that I need to live out the theme of my blog...the gospel is for "along the road", life on life, talking about eternal things when we're driving to school or going to a baseball game. I don't wanna wait until it's bedtime and then we have our "devotion." It's impacting a watching world but not in a "I'm in my little christian bubble" kind of way. After Easter I kept thinking about the time I spent shopping for little things to go in their Easter baskets and all the time it took me to stuff Easter eggs for all their egg hunts and how little time I spent talking with them about Jesus dying for them. They need to hear again and again, and SO DO I that "Holden, that's why he had to die, so you could be forgiven of all the times you're selfish and unkind to your sisters or disrespectful to your mom." I feel challenged to be more deliberate and not just let the day pass me by because I'm so busy with OTHER things and unconcerned with their hearts and my own. I say all this with freedom, knowing that it is God's job to change their hearts, but I know He has given me a part in it too. I want to do my part!

I'll keep you posted on our doublewide purchase....

Here's what we've been up to...words to follow soon :)

Helping me Fight

***You'll understand the pictures when you finish reading........

This is just another glimpse into why I need you to help me "stand on the Word."

March 26, 2009
Today I see a van that looks like our old one...the one we had in Chicago. I never told you about us selling that van a few months after we moved to Cullman. When I saw the guy that bought it driving away I cried. It's like a piece of us was driving away...another piece that reminded me of Alaina...looking back at her falling asleep on the way home from Children's Day Out or listening to her laugh with Holden when they heard the mice chattering on the Cinderella song. The van symbolized those things. For a moment today when I saw the van, I hated our Suburban. I just wanted that old green van back. I know it's not about the van, it's about the little girl that rode everywhere with us. As I got into the Suburban I thought again how hard it is to surrender. There is absolutely nothing I can do to get her back here. I know the right answer so please don't tell me that I wouldn't want her to come back if I could see how perfect she is. Just claim the Word for me. Pray that I will continue to stand on His promises.

Also today: Mary Helen is sick...fever is up to 103.7 (again) . I have the thought over and over again that she could die today. What am I going to see when I look in her crib? Fear creeps in, no it doesn't creep, it just knocks me down. I can't do this again, Lord.

Yesterday, out of the blue, Holden says "Mama when you found Alaina dead, was she on the floor?" It's hard to go on with a normal conversation after a question like that. It's very sad to me and not fair that a seven year old little boy has to ask that....and it lets me know he is thinking about it so much more than he verbalizes. I'm not telling you these things for you to feel sorry for me. I'm telling you because I need you to continue to fight with me, just as hard as you did on July 2. I'm telling you so that you will know how to pray specifically. "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that you may have life." John 10:10

I also don't want to make you think that I'm walking around depressed all day. I/We have lots of great moments, lots of laughter.....but some other moments are really a struggle...like the examples above. I'm just trying to "let you in."

***********Ok switch gears with me to some news that doesn't involve tears....

We're moving to the country. This is exciting news for the Atchisons, especially Billy Atchison since this has been a life long dream of his. Don't you see all the pictures of him in overalls on this blog? We're hoping to live in a "mobile home" aka "double wide" until we can build a house. I know you Chicago friends are chuckling inside! Hopefully we can move this summer. We would love to build our "forever" house here. I think it's about 38 acres complete with a barn, cows and a few ponds.

Lamentations 3:21-23!!!

Claim His promises for me

Psalm 94:17-19 Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, "My foot is slipping, your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.


Today friends, today I need you to claim some promises for me... for the gripping moments when I am not able. This picture you see is one that's on my bed side table and I see it every night before I go to bed. Sometimes it's so painful to look at her pictures and other times it makes me smile. Last night was rough and parts of today as I saw her pictures....last night I cried a long time before I finally fell asleep....cried so long my pillow was wet. I layed there wrestling with my thoughts and asking God again why he chose us for this path. I wanted to fall asleep and forget about it for a little while, but I couldn't so I just "let it all out." I can't really describe what "it" is. Maybe it's a combination of tears that I don't want my children to see on a daily basis...the frustration and grief of missing her so terribly...the pain I feel way down deep, that maybe I only get to the core of every now and then, and last night was one to those times. Sometimes the pain feels the same way it did eight months ago and that's discouraging. So, for all of you who have asked what you can pray for me, today, here it is....

My theme verse of hope: "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are NEW EVERY MORNING; great is your faithfulness...The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:21-25

Hebrews 12:2-3 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. CONSIDER HIM who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."