We're pressing on.....along the road

Before I tell the whole story of the past few days let be just say that Holden is doing great!!!

Now let me back up and fill you in. This past Wednesday Billy took Holden and Clemson(my nephew) to Jackson Mississippi to a fire training conference thing. I know that's not the name of it but you get the point. Billy and I decided it would be good for the three of them to get away and just try to have some fun together. They had a great time, and spent their time hanging out with the Sunbelt team (Billy's work) and learning all about what firefighters do. For those of you that don't know, Billy just took a new job selling fire trucks and fire equipment. They came home Friday and were exhausted. Holden came in a laid on the bed and I could tell how tired he was. He felt warm but I just thought it was because he was asleep in the car and maybe the vent wasn't blowing on him in the back seat. About an hour later, he was still lying around and I thought that was sort of odd considering his usual energy level. I felt his forehead again and he was still just as warm so we took his temp and it was 102. I, of course was concerned and then he said his head hurt. ( bad headache is one of the classic signs of Meningitis) As soon as he said it I felt sick.....physically and emotionally sick (again!) Billy said "let's take him to Meridian right now." So we headed to the ER.

Honestly the car ride was a blur to me but can tell you that I was struggling with God. In my head I'm thinking "No, NO, this is not happening. We just buried Alaina Monday.....God, why is this happening? You KNOW how fragile we are right now....I Can't do this!!! I can't let him go now. Ok, if I say I'm willing to let him go then maybe you won't take him. If I say I can't let him go then you will take him." I couldn't pray, I could barely talk out loud. We called ahead to the ER and they got us in pretty quickly. You could tell that by the time we got to see the Dr. that everyone around new our situation. They were all staring at me. I was outside Holden's room crying because I didn't want to scare him any more than he already was. I know they all thought I was a crazy woman. Ok, I was a mess....no shower...hadn't brushed my teeth ALL day (that I can remember)....just looked like I had rolled out of bed. I told the two different Dr.s " We're not freaks, ok. We're not just overprotective parents.....we just lost our daughter last week."

The first Dr. we saw wanted to do a spinal tap as well as other blood work and test his urine. We were told we would be there at least 48 hours. I was wondering how in the world I was going to make it that long without knowing what was wrong. I wasn't in the room while they did the I V and I couldn't be anywhere nearby for the spinal. I knew I would fall apart...well I already was falling apart so I guess they probably would've just admitted ME.

Side note: As I was telling the Pediatric Dr. our whole story/history he listened and made notes and asked questions. Then, when I was done he asked me how Holden was taking it and then suggested that maybe we should get counseling sometime down the road. I wanted to say "Um, what I need right now is for you to hook me up and sedate me!!"

Anyway, as I was sitting in the waiting area I continued to struggle with God. I kept thinking of Job (in the bible) and how God took his whole family. I also thought about a book I'm reading where a woman loses two babies at different times. As I'm agonizing by myself I was reminded of a truth that Jill Hooper shared when she was the speaker at our women's retreat. (Jill, if you ever read this I hope it's ok I shared :) As she struggled with breast cancer she would always read about other women who died from this disease and it caused much fear. One day, she realized "that's not MY story." Her story could look very different....GOD was in control of it. GOD was writing her story. Whether she lived or died, it would be HER story and no one else's. God reminded me of this in those moments. So I started saying out loud..."That's not my story! Job's life is not my story!" I don't have to fear just because this has happened to other people. I was hit with the reality that I already knew in the back of my head....we could loose another child. I can't hold onto them. I have NO control....I must trust(but I don't want to, I CAN'T just by willing myself to) God, I can't even pray, I can't think anymore.....If you take Holden will I still say you are good? Will I be able to say "you give and take away, blessed be your name?" Is this going to be my story?

All I can say is only by His grace would I ever be able to continue saying it. As I think about it happening(losing another) I don't think I could but that's the thing about grace...we can't borrow it for tomorrow. It's for today and God always provides it for tomorrow. We can't fathom how we could possibly keep going. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING." In my limited understanding I don't see how I could continue to trust....but when I consider who HE IS, I know there's hope no matter what.

Well, I'm exhausted so I can't keep writing tonight.....I'll try and post part two of the story tomorrow.

OH, and I read every one of your comments.....they are very life giving to me, so Thank you!! Thank you for being prayer warriors FOR US!

I'll write about all the (rest) of the details of our hospital stay with Holden........for now, he is doing much better. We are so thankful. That's an understatement. You know the beginning and the end, I just need to finish the middle tomorrow. Does that even make sense? I'm half asleep!