Sunbeam

It pains me to post without pictures. Why am I weird like that? I think I just realized why I need there to be pictures. ok, the pictures represent something. It's that I want you to "see" that we're going to be ok. I want you to see us smiling and "living" life even though our days are SO hard without her. This all came full circle for me this past weekend. Billy and I were driving to Troy's homecomimg and I said "So you're good for our pictures on Monday, right?" To which he replies "No, I can't do it." "You're kidding, right?" "No, I really can't, I had something come up with work that I have to do, I just got the email last night."

I could feel the lump in my throat. Now let me set the scene for you a little better. Some dear friends we've made here in Cullman offered to pay for us to have our first family picture whenever we were ready. I decided now was the time and we could hopefully use one for our Christmas card. Some of you may be thinking it's too hard for us to even do a card this year, but honestly, the thought of NOT doing one is even sadder to me. So I've realized that this year's card symbolizes so much more than just our picture. It's a symbol of hope for me. It means that we're going to "live" in the midst of this hurt and these tears. It's taking the next step on this journey. It's letting our friends and family see that we can smile and we're going to make it!!!!!! To see that we still believe in God's goodness. Does that make sense?

So all that to say, I had our outfits picked, the photographer scheduled to come to our house, etc. and Billy says he can't do it. He says (before realizing how important this is to me) "It's just a picture, we can reschedule." So after my anger boils on the inside for a while I say through my tears...."It's NOT just a picture...not this year!!!" We had a great talk about it and after listening to me he completely understood. So you can be sad when you see our picture but I also pray it will be a symbol of hope when you look at it.... and that it will remind you to pray. You know how the new year is always exciting...fresh starts, new goals, etc. I think of 2009 and I feel weary at the thought of moving forward without Lew. But God will give grace for those days too. Again, it goes back to surrender and trust.

Maybe the next post will be just one big slide show of pictures. We've been camping, done Halloween(even Billy and I dressed up this year) and went to Troy's Homecoming this past weekend. All very fun. It was good to laugh.

Or, maybe the next post will just be for you to listen to my playlist of songs. Sometimes I'm amazed at how the words seem to say EXACTLY how I feel. So if you ever wonder how I'm doing, just listen to the words.

Oh, one more thing. Last night I was reading back through cards that people have sent and came across these notes and it made me smile.....

"We can only say that our lives were blessed and enriched by knowing that sweet little sunbeam, Alaina. She of the bold spirit and cheerful countenance....of the extra-large hairbows and southern-style dresses...of the curious eyes and quick smile."..... I couldn't have described her any better than this!

"Time moves for everyone around you- but likely not for you. And I reckon that your broken hearts are hurting more now than even a week ago. God is faithful. When you are in the "I can't do this, God" desolate pit, Jesus will be there. My prayer for you will continue to be that God's grace flowing not just over you, but into the fissures of your broken hearts- will be a comforting reality."

God is answering your prayers! He gives us grace daily to keep walking, to keep pressing on.

Until next time(WITH PICTURES)
Hope :)