Grace, peace and truth......along the road

Jesus has "carried" me the past few days. The deep sadness is always there but I can laugh and smile....as we've said over and over I can grieve with hope. Before Billy and I had any children, actually when I was pregnant with Holden, we made a decision. We prayed that our children wouldn't become the center of our world. We were a family, the two of us, and any children we had would be joining our family, not become the center where everything revolved around them. See, Christ is my hope. My hope and purpose can't be in my children though I love them more than I can explain. This gospel of grace is more precious to me than it has ever been. We'll never fully fathom the depth of God's love for us (in this life) but He does give us a picture.....He explains it in His word.....that God would give his ONLY Son to be the substitute for ALL the yuck in our hearts. Ok, I couldn't do it. There's no way I would. BUT, I'm not GOD!!! The punishment that brought US peace was upon HIM. The conversation Jesus has with God just before the crucifixion....."Can there be another way?" I would've said, Yes!!! We'll get another plan....there can be another way. And Jesus said, "Not my will, but YOUR will be done."

This is how I feel. God, can't there be another way? Is this really your plan? And ONLY by his grace can I say.....not my will (not what Hope wants) but YOUR will be done. I prayed last night......"God, whatever you have for us, let it be.......whatever." Cause me to live this life with an open hand.....not closing my fists and holding tightly to anything. I want to continue to stress this......THIS is what God can do. He is loving yet powerful enough to sustain my frail and weak self and this same strength is yours if you know Him. This same peace is in your heart and life if you're a believer. HE is the strength and the power and the peace and the truth and the grace and the hope. God is! It all points to HIM. Get to know this God that is just as mighty in your life.

So we're figuring out our "new normal." I told Billy last night that I feel like we've had our legs or arms amputated. We can still function, but just have to figure out how to do it without a major part of our body. Things move slower....it just looks and feels different no matter what you do. You make a little progress everyday but it's slow and steady. It's a long, hard and painful road to travel, especially without your arms.

I spent Thursday night and Friday at the beach with two of my "heart" friends. It was such a gift just to be with them......just to "be." They left and Billy joined me Friday night. We sat on the beach, taking in all the beauty and calm. It has been very restoring. AND, I've been sleeping better, THANK YOU for praying specifically. God has taken a lot of the fear that the night time brings. I'm sure it will come back around but God is bigger than fear or worry or doubt or you fill in the blank.

So, we are headed to Cullman on Sunday and the moving truck gets there Tuesday. I've already pictured myself with these new women at our church.....they don't know me, I don't know them. I've imagined me saying to them "Ok, I just lost my daughter and need you to be my friend. I'm usually an initiator but I'm not exactly my normal self so you may need to initiate to me. I may be the biggest drain in your life for at least the next year but, so be it." :) Oh, my pride! See, I don't want them to think I'm a crazy woman. What if they never see that I am just laid back and fun? :)

It may be a little while before I can post again since we're moving this week but I'll be back eventually. I'm excited to get moved in and settled.

Take care friends!