Part 2....Hospital stay with Holden

Isaiah 42:16......"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."



It's amazing to me that before the foundation of the world God knew this verse would bring encouragement to even me. "I will lead Hope by ways she has not known, I will guide Hope, I will turn darkness into light before Hope. These are the things I will do for Hope; I will not forsake her"



Do you see it? These are the things HE will do. It's not about what I can do. He's the point. He has all the power, He is the strong one. "Because HE lives I can face tomorrow, because HE lives all fear is gone, because I know HE holds the future, life is worth the loving just because HE lives"



I didn't post yesterday....it was just a hard day and I didn't have the energy but His mercies are new every morning. I really hate the night time. When it starts to get dark is usually when fear creeps in and it seems to be the worst part of the day. I Do NOt! want to live in fear. Fear paralyzes. It reminds me of snow skiing a few years ago. I finally was able to learn how because we were in Colorado and I wasn't pregnant :) I thought I was ready to leave the bunny slope and try the first real run. As we got higher and higher I could feel the fear coming. We got off the ski lift and I started down the mountain only to realize I couldn't see over each hump. I felt so out of control, like I was going to ski straight into the trees. I didn't think I could stop myself. So, I just decided to sit down on the mountain and not go any further. I was literally gripped with fear. Billy was awesome (as always :) he tried to gently "coach" me but I would have nothing of it. We started walking down the mountain but you can imagine how that was trying to walk in those awful boots. Ok, I can laugh about it now......the ski patrol had to come and get me and take me down the mountain. And you know what, once I let him have control there was no more fear. I had complete confidence that he could get me safely down the mountain, and riding down on that sled thing was the most fun I had all day.



And so it is with God....Even though the fear seems so great and I feel paralyzed at times, I know that He is Able.....He is able to carry me when I can't possibly keep going, He can bring peace and joy when I wonder if it will ever fully be in my life again....He is able to love me in spite of my sin and selfish heart that is full of yuck....and He is able to take the fear that grips my heart as I think of possibly losing another child like we did this past weekend.



So I'm finally back around to Holden. The pediatric Dr. got there and said they wanted to keep Holden for at least 48 hours to watch him and wait for the blood work to come back. Billy broke down for the first time(at the hospital). I had an upset stomach the entire hospital stay....the worst I've ever had. You know that nervous pit in your stomach that won't go away. And of course on top of that we were/are so emotionally spent. The Dr. decided to not continue trying to do the spinal tap unless Holden got worse during the night. God put me back together enough to be able to go see Holden.(I know it always seems I'm saying I feel the need to be strong in front of Holden but, don't worry, he has seen me cry often. We encourage him to talk about Alaina and to never feel like he is going to upset us by what he says. I just didn't want to make him anymore nervous than he already was in that hospital room!!!) He wanted me to tell The Three Billygoats. He still had tears on his face. We were finally given a room and then the waiting really began. That first night was one of the hardest nights of my life....probably second only to the first night we lost Alaina.



They had Holden hooked to some kind of oxygen monitor that constantly showed numbers going up and down. I stared at that box so much that night. My heart beat faster every time the I V started beeping (and this was all night because it beeped every time Holden bent his arm). I didn't fall asleep until the sun started coming up. Holden's fever got up to 103 something. They were able to get the fever down after some medicine. The Dr. started antibiotics through his I V. He was able to sleep that first night. The next morning he was improving but we were still very afraid. Then, he asked me what I knew he was probably thinking....."Am I gonna die????"



I said, "I don't think so, baby. I think you're going to be just fine." I was begging God, saying over and over, "please don't take him, please don't take him!" Throughout the next day he continued to get better and I was feeling the prayers on our behalf. The second morning the Dr. came to see us again and the tests came back all negative. The Dr. said he laid awake staring at the ceiling that night thinking about whether or not he should give me, Billy MaryH. and Elley an antibiotic.

We don't have much information about Alaina. We do know that she had viral meningitis but most people don't die from this. Many have it and never even know it. She should've been sick for several days. They are testing to see if she had some kind of underlying something we didn't know about......but we weren't even sure it she had viral or bacterial when we were in the hospital with Holden. It was very frustrating because we knew this could help the Dr. know how to treat. BUT AGAIN, God is the ONE who is ultimately in control no matter how much we think we know or how much we DON'T know.

We were able to come home Sunday after the Dr. came to our room and said all the tests were negative and he could see Holden's improvement.

Now we're thankful beyond words for Holden's quick recovery, but also hit once again with the hard and painful reality that we've lost Alaina.

I'll end with a quote I keep in my bible.....

"God is too wise not to know all about us and what
is really best for us to be and to have.
And He is too good not to desire our highest good
and too powerful, desiring not to effect it.
If then what He has appointed for us does not
seem to us the best--or even to be good--
our true course is to remember that He sees further than we do--
and that we shall understand Him in time when His plans
have unfolded themselves. Meanwhile, casting all our care
upon Him since He careth for us."

Henry Parry Liddon