Where do I even begin?

I am taking a step of faith by opening up my heart to you in hopes that God will use our journey to draw you to himself. I don't know how God will use it through a sinner like me, but I trust that He will. Well, I know that everyone he uses is a sinner, so I'm no different :) Several of my friends know that I was hesitant to list our blog address for EVERYONE at the funeral. I trust that if you're taking the time to read this that you truly want to know. Obviously my posts will look very different now. Well, some things won't be different, that's the hard part. We'll continue to take lots of pictures, go to the pool, have school things, have play dates....it will just all be without her. It's very lonely without her. You'd think with three other children it wouldn't seem so lonely, but it does. I promise to be "real." It's my desire to be real and honest. Give me grace if my thoughts don't make sense and especially my punctuation/wording... all that mess.

Several months ago Billy was struggling with some things at work and I kept saying "This is where the rubber meets the road for us. This is when our faith truly makes a difference in how we live. Do we really believe what we say we believe? Do we believe God ordains EVERYTHING? If we do, then when we go through "hard" things it looks different for us compared to a non-believer."

This is exactly what we're facing now with the loss of our little girl. If not for the hope of the gospel being REAL and TRUE I think, well, I know that I would be completely consumed with sadness. I almost can't even cry anymore, it's almost not real that she's gone. In a lot of ways it's like Alaina and Elley were twins. They did everything together. Elley loves all the things Alaina loved. So we are surrounded with sweet, precious memories, very hard to think about without crying memories. Billy, my Dad and I took Clemson(nephew), Holden and Alaina to a creek today. You know exactly what I was doing the whole time. Yep, I was picturing Alaina with them splashing, laughing and excited. I walked down the dirt road crying, not because I didn't want my Dad or Billy to see me, but because I don't want Elley and Holden to see their mom crying ALL the time. You can pray for this. Of course, they are not as devastated as we are. I know they still probably think Alaina will be coming home in a few weeks...she's just on a little trip. It's so confusing for them. I don't think they realize they will never play with their sister again in this life. How do you process this when you're 2 and 6???? Yet another thing I must trust Jesus about.

I've always been a people pleaser in that I don't want anyone upset with me and I, of course, want them to like me. I hate any kind of conflict. For probably the first time in my life I Don't care what people think. Don't get me wrong, I care as long as it relates to the GOSPEL. Otherwise I feel so FREE. This is something huge in my life......a process God has been working on for the past three years especially. I'm not nearly as concerned with what people think of my kids, how they are "behaving," whether they think I'm a good mother/wife/cook/housekeeper, etc, etc. Losing Alaina will help me be a better mother. I am free to not worry about stupid things, insignificant things like them watching 30 more minutes of TV or obeying the first time EVERY time I tell them to do something.

I ONLY want to be consumed with my Jesus....not with sadness. I long to "live my life for an audience of ONE." (Tammy Murden quote). My security, self worth, EVERYTHING must ultimately come from Him and not anyone or anything else. This road we are traveling now is a constant reminder of my old way of thinking. For so many years, I lived the christian life viewing it like a mountain. You just keep climbing to the top getting higher and higher, becoming a "better" christian until one day you pretty much "arrive." It was such a legalistic way to live. I used to think, "Oh, they're a strong christian, a mature believer, they don't struggle with the things I do, they've mastered things like trusting God and being disciplined." Now, the longer I walk with Him, I see more and more how sinful I truly am. The christian life is a continuous cycle of Repent and believe.....repent and believe the gospel. Over and over again. I must believe the gospel now more than ever before, I do believe it!

I hope you don't look at me. What I mean is that I want you to look at Jesus. I'm telling you, anything I am doing "right" is only from Him. In and of myself I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to keep going. My strength is all by His grace, the funeral was all by His grace, making it through one day is all by His grace. His free grace and love, and mercy, and kindness, and faithfulness and compassion. He is the great "I AM." I picture it as Him saying "I AM....whatever you need. Fill in the blank." Grief is so complex. Society either thinks you're weird if you are sad for a LONG time or you're being fake because you seem "over it" too quickly. I don't think I have to be strong or "hold it together." I feel no pressure. I feel free to just be. I'm not running to Jesus, he's running to me, my high priest is interceding for me when I don't even have the words to pray. He's holding me when I can't "hold on." He's carrying me when I don't want to walk.

ok, all these words are not just for you. It's for me, too. This is the closest thing to a journal I'll probably ever have. To Him alone be the glory!!!!!

Final note: we learned on Monday that Lew (my little nickname forAlaina) had some form of Meningitis. I'll post more details on that later.