Closing that door

ok people...that was a lot of pictures. Honestly, I just couldn't leave any out because in every single one of them I see Hope. Smiling, delight, joy, laughter...and it helps me with perspective for the long haul. This is a long, hard road... I need all the help I can get and it seems that God shows me His grace through our pictures and I can see for myself that we are going to be ok. It really was a good Christmas. Of course, we had our moments but overall I was overwhelmed with God's goodness and how once again he carried us through a holiday without Alaina. I was continually reminded that because of what we celebrate at Christmas is the very reason I can keep going....This Savior that came into the world and because of His sacrifice I will one day hold my oldest daughter again...truly, I can think of no greater joy other than seeing Jesus face to face.

The gospel has never been more real to me. One of the things I wrestle with is the fact that Alaina was alone when she died. Did she call out for me? Was she suffering? Did she wonder where we were? Why couldn't I be there to hold her? Why did it have to be like that? It's just horrible all the places your mind goes. Then I stop and think about God WILLINGLY watching his Son suffer on the cross for the sin of the world and I am AMAZED at this kind of sacrificial love. And to think that he died for all the yuck that's in my heart...really amazing.

My trip to Butler wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. The first day was the hardest, obviously. The day we got there we stopped at the cemetery before going to my parents. We didn't stay long...I find little comfort from being there...just deep sadness. A friend here in Cullman shared something at our bible study that helped me during these days in Butler. She said she heard a retreat speaker explain once that when we're distracted in our quiet time with the Lord (like the phone ringing or we can't seem to focus because our mind is wandering) to just say out loud "I'm closing that door." And every time a distraction comes just continue to say "No, I'm closing that door." This was huge for me. All throughout the week, I had the hard memories in front of me and I kept praying over and over..."Lord, help me to close that door!" I saw the place where I stood when my Dad told me Alaina was gone and I said "I'm closing that door." The room where she died "I'm closing that door." The place I was sitting when I had to tell Billy his daughter died "I'm closing that door." And I know those doors will open again but just help me in the moment to close it and not DWELL on the horrible. It was such a good word picture for me. God did help me to close those doors and I really was able to enjoy my time there. I know many were praying and I could sense God's peace and presence. We rested and the kids loved being outside. Holden got to try out his BB gun and he has decided he likes to hunt...see slide show :(

I'm thinking my theme for 2009 will be Hope. Not anything to do with my name, that would be cheesy. But because that's what I feel like God is continuing to give our family. I'm not completely consumed when I think of this new year but have hope in what God can do. I look at Alaina's pictures and stare and think "I miss you so much little girl!" But I have hope that I'll see her again and God will continue to give grace until that time. Many of you saw this on our Christmas card and it's the verse I'm claiming for this year...

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness...The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him.

Lamentations 3:21-25


I leave you with this...it's the little things like this that mean so much to me. The fire chief of Cullman (you know Billy sales fire trucks) brought this to me and said he reads my blog and is always praying. Guess what it says? Stay tuned, I'll post a picture next time.