Yes Lord

I'm in a blogging mood tonight. So often I don't have the emotional energy to come and type but sometimes I get these energy bursts and it's good for me to "get it all out." "It" being all the things( feelings, emotions, thoughts) that have been swirling around in my mind and life the past few weeks. The bottom line...I'm struggling. I would venture to say that losing a child has got to be the hardest thing anyone could endure and I'm truly broken for anyone trying to do it without Jesus.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

"Though the fig tree should not blossom nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, YET I WILL rejoice in the Lord; I will take JOY in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; He makes my feet like the deers, He makes me tread on high places."

So my trip to Chicago. Hard and good at the same time. I'm glad I went but the reminders of my Lew were everywhere, staring at me, causing me to weep many times. The friends houses she played in, the restaurants we went to, our route we took to Children's day out...all of it just hard to take. I cried as the plane landed in Chicago and I cried when it took off to come back to Alabama. It was like saying goodbye to her all over again, I guess because that's where her life was. I couldn't go back to my house there..not this trip. Maybe next time.

At the women's conference Nancy Leigh DeMoss shared Romans 11:33...

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God. How unsearchable his judgements, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen."

This is it for me.....that out of all this pain.....that we would begin to go deeper in our understanding of the riches that are ours in Christ. The depth of his riches, the depth of his wisdom and knowledge....we only scratch the surface in this life because he is beyond tracing out! Nothing is too big or too hard for Him, no pain is too great. And it's all for His glory.

When I'm in the grocery store or any public place where a song is playing, after I leave(even it it's several hours later) I always catch myself humming the song that I heard...random songs that I may not have heard for years. Songs really do stick in your head. The first song on my Playlist has been in my head the past few days and I'm amazed again at how God even uses the little things. The chorus...."At the cross I bow my knee, where your blood was shed for me, there's no greater love than this....You have overcome the grave, your glory fills the highest place, what can separate me now?

At the cross I bow my knee.....I have walked around the house singing this without even realizing the words. My flesh doesn't want to bow or bend..I don't like this path.... actually, I hate it. When I got home from Chicago there was another laundry basket of Alaina's things to go through...her dresses, shoes, even her little bag of bible school candy....and there was a gravestone that needed to be picked out...Am I really doing this? Please don't ask me to. Everyday is a surrender. Everyday is submitting to this plan. It is a painful, slow surrender but my heart wants to be there. I could never do it without Jesus because there wouldn't be a cross to come to. This cross causes me to say, even if only in a crying whisper, "OK Lord." This was one of the challenges from our conference. "Are you willing to say, Yes, Lord?" Yes Lord, I'll follow you no matter what. Yes Lord, I will obey. Yes Lord, I'll go through more of Alain's things, I'll pick out her gravestone, I'll love my children, I'll get out of bed. Because of the grace you've given, I will do it.

And just when I think it can't get any harder we get to a new layer. The past two days Elley has talked about Alaina so much. These are her words..."Mama, I miss Alaina....Daddy said she's never coming back. Will we ever see her again? She's never coming back? Why? I miss Alaina." These same words several times a day. My heart feels like it's going to explode. Yes Lord, I'll have this conversation. Yes Lord, I will bend my knee. I'm thankful Elley wants to talk about her sister and is maybe truly grieving for the first time.

So, like the Habakkuk verse in my life...Though these awful, painful things, I will rejoice in the Lord and find my joy in him. No, I can't rejoice in losing Lew but I will rejoice in who God is and how he has carried me this far.

Wendy,(if you're reading this) I had to look back at all the great cards you've sent to find these words. I love this song....Thank you for reminding me.


"Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me on, let me stand. I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Through the storm, through the night, lead me on to the light. Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home."

From North Carolina to Chicago

My time away with Billy was really great. Thank you for praying. I really didn't worry about the kids and was able to relax and rest. We did have some drama just before leaving. Holden put his arm through a small window(broke the glass) and had to have 10 stitches. The worst part of it all was seeing how terrified he was about going to the hospital again. He thought it was going to be like the last time when he had the spinal tap. We prayed in the car (after Billy had to carry him because he refused to walk out of sheer panic) and he slowly calmed down. He didn't even cry through the shots...he was very brave. AND he has a very fun Dad who can dance in the ER and sing and make him laugh. I get to be entertained too and a little embarrassed :)

So after the storm, the calm. North Carolina was beautiful. The leaves were changing colors and the scenery was so peaceful. We slept late, ate good food, Billy fly fished, I shopped a little and we both became hooked on Veronica Mars!! Yes, we found a way to have tv....there wasn't one in the cabin. A friend let us borrow season 1 and it rocks. We watched it on Billy's computer.

Ok so this Thursday I'm heading to Chicago by myself. I'm excited about the trip but knowing it will bring up some new emotions as this is my first trip back since losing Alaina. It'll be my first time to see certain friends and go back to NPC(church). Illinois is really where Alaina grew up. We moved there when she was one. So I know I'll see all her little friends and picture her running and laughing with them. Please pray that I'll just "be." If I walk in the church and sob, it's ok, if I feel awkward, it's ok, if I don't know how to face people, it's ok. I do feel very loved there but it's just kind of a hard step to take. Also, I'm going to a womens conference while I'm there and am excited for what God has to teach me.

Thank you praying/blogging friends!
Hope

*******On a fun note....go and see my sweetie girls. We just had their pictures taken this past Saturday. Go to hishandsphotographs.com and click on "enter portraits." Then click "proofing." Our password is Atchison.