Thursday, December 18, 2008

My favorite ornament this year

I smiled when I opened it....sent from a dear friend who knew the perfect ornament for my tree this year. Alaina's favorite shoes to wear were her red sparkles. It didn't matter if they matched, usually they didn't...she didn't care. Those were the shoes she was buried in. They didn't match her little dress with pink flowers but I knew this is how she would've wanted it. I just can't type it without tears....buried. It's an ugly word, just like gravestone, funeral, death. I hate, yes, HATE those words. Days like today are hard. Days when I'm so busy with the kids and we are literally gone ALL day...then I get home and have a minute to "think" and it hits me all over again. The brief moments during the day when I'm alone, the grief is so raw and heavy. Physically it feels like a heaviness on my chest. In the midst, I am reminded of the season and what we celebrate and I have hope to continue on. Deep down in the fiber of my being if I believe I'll see her again one day I have a whole new view of heaven. The thought of her running to me, when I can touch her again and hold her...I pray that this is part of eternity. And I know there's nothing here that is her's OUR loss and pain and struggle, not hers. Her creator is everything she needs now and truly HE is what we need to make it. I can have joy this Christmas because He continues to be the Atchisons Wonderful Counselor, our Mighty God, our Everlasting Father, our Prince of Peace. I don't know what heaven will be like, I just know what I WANT it to be. I've got to trust the Lord for that too...that it will be as He has planned...perfect. Billy is constantly asking me "Do you think she'll still be a four year old when we get to heaven, will she know us, why can't God just "talk" to us, etc." I don't have the answers but I do know that God holds all these things and it will be ok...just like the christian life is that cycle of repent and believe, repent and believe, it's also surrender and trust, surrender and trust. And by His grace that is what I choose to do every day. Would I change my circumstance if I could, YES!! but that's not what He is calling me to do..that's not an option. He IS calling me to surrender and trust and so I will.

We're going....we're going to Butler the day after Christmas. I have peace about it, not that I think it won't be hard...I think it's unrealistic to think it will be an easy, laid back trip, but it's time. Time to face it, time to "push through" the memories of that day in July and get to enjoy the great place that it is. I hate the term "moving on." I won't call it that. To me, moving on suggests that we're leaving her behind and forgetting somehow. Let's just say we will "keep going." We'll keep living. We'll continue to talk about her and enjoy who she is in our lives. My Mom and Elley were making a little gum drop tree and Elley said "I wish Laina could see it." I love that she will say things like this. I love that she remembers her sister and can express it this way. I love any way that she is remembered....the memories you've shared with me, the angel ornament that says "in memory of Alaina, Dec. 2008".... thank you for remembering with me. Her life is something to celebrate and I need help to do it. This time last year, to me, she was the star of the Christmas didn't have to convince her to scowl like a redneck, she just knew what to do. She was so fun like that.

Merry Christmas friends,

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Happy Birthday Holden!

We had some good birthday fun this past weekend. Holden had three little boys and one big boy (my nephew Clemson) spend the night Friday night for his 7th birthday. (oh my goodness, is he really seven?) My parents had the girls and I'm so thankful since little girls don't really gel with light sabers (sp?), swords, guns, tackling, etc. The weekend was a huge success....seriously, all I had to do was feed them. Billy and Clemson organized the football and basketball and they did every "boy" thing imaginable. They all went to bed at 11:30 pm :) I never heard a sound after that until about 8:15 the next morning as they were raring to go again. It brought me joy to see Holden having so much fun.