Sometimes

Sometimes I want to write out my thoughts, but am just too busy with life, and my window of time to sit and type is limited. And so much has gone on in my little brain over the last few months that I'm not sure where to even start.

Sometimes I can't look at Alaina's pictures for very long because it hurts too much. But sometimes I can stare and smile and remember and it makes me say "Come quickly Lord Jesus!"

Sometimes I think her death has made me a better mother and caused me to be more patient and let go of the things that I think are a big deal (like what people think of me or my children) but sometimes I forget so quickly how short this life is and I get caught up in NON eternal things and lose sight of matters of the heart.

Sometimes I'm caught off guard when Elley says "God is mean, I'm kind of mad at God. Why did Alaina have to go to heaven?" And then I wonder why that suprises me since I have the same thoughts, and I can be honest with my children about those feelings and remind them and myself of my need for a Savior.

Sometimes I don't like my story. I don't like what God has written so far. Sometimes I'm really really sad about it and think this is in no way good for my life.

Sometimes when my children get sick I have lots of fear. I realize I've been shaking my fist at God and in my heart saying "Don't you dare! Don't take another one because I don't want you to have to be that big in my life." I see that there is so much freedom that comes from being honest with Him and knowing that he can handle my unbelief and love me anyway and work in my heart to cause me to trust him. I know it is not about just "trying harder" not to feel that way. He will supply the grace and do the work in my heart. And oh yeah, then I remember that I'm not God, I don't get to plan my life.

Sometimes I sit and daydream about what he is calling our family to be/do. I just want to be obedient to what he has for us and I remember that this suffering is part of the calling, but I wonder what he has for us beyond the suffering. I don't want to just live in my christian bubble and be comfortable. I don't want my children to either.

Sometimes I cry when I see little Kindergarten girls with their backpacks and I picture Alaina walking and laughing, and the void in my life is so huge, and then I am reminded of just how much I take for granted.

Sometimes I can be so self focused and forget there is a world that so desperately needs the gospel of GRACE.

Sometimes I forget how much I need the gospel of grace. Sometimes I don't love unconditionaly, I love based on how well my children "behaved" that day. And I realize I am not loving them the same way God loves me.

Sometimes I start living like this world is all there is.

But sometimes, when I step back and really think about all God has done and I look at pictures like these, I am truly thankful. Loving, servant hearted parents, friends who love us no matter what and who have walked this road with us so faithfully, three special children still to parent and love here, and one deeply loved daughter who is waiting on us in heaven.


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Here's a recap of the last few months in pictures

View from my back door




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DISNEY 2009 with McLendons and Werneths












Elley at the princess lunch












Holden at Hoopty Do Review














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Thanksgiving in North Carolina with Billy's grandmother




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Holden's 8th birthday





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Mary Helen's 2nd birthday and Christmas in Butler

My mom said to tell you.....

She remembers in the last post that she wrote "Be Back Soon!" and she hasn't been back soon.

She's tired. She has been to Disney and North Carolina (I bet you think she took me to Disney because of how I'm dressed, but she didn't) This was my Halloween outfit. My Mom left me with my Maw and Paw who I love WAY more than Disney!

And tonight she has a house full of little boys spending the night because today is my brother's birthday.

I keep my mom on her toes and contribute to her being tired. But she wouldn't trade me for anything.




My mom has a lot more she wants to share...(maybe) soon

A Country Girl Can Survive

Here is where our story of life in the country(KIND OF) begins........ make sure you pause the blog music and then CLICK BELOW.



YouTube - part 2 epic Painfully Honest and Epic Mobile Home Commercial www.freeusadrugplan.com/u489

Part 1: Our family was destined for the country. Billy grew up as a surfer kid in Florida but you would never know it by looking at him. If you're at all observant you will notice in most of our children's birthday pictures he is not wearing a shirt as he's carrying the birthday cake OR he's wearing overalls. And afterall, it was him that "talked me into" doing a redneck Christmas card in 2007. He even made us re-do the picture because he said I shouldn't be smiling, it wasn't the right "look."

Picture #1






#2- the winner











After we moved Billy said to me "THIS is where I was meant to be. I was meant for the country. Do you think I can glorify God by being on a tractor and bushhogging?" I hope so because here she is....Sometimes he even parks her in our front yard. Good times.









We have come a long way....especialy with our yard

This is what it looked like right after they moved the trailer...









Now we have lots of grass....





The country is very kid friendly....












If you come visit us, we can show you these....

Our friends really like it here too...

Be back soon!

It was Happy

It was a lot of work for just two hours but worth the effort! This was our first big "friend" party for Elley since we've always just done family stuff. She had a great time with her friends and it was fun to take it all in and watch their faces...when I wasn't being the party manager. Billy was the entertainer in the water for ALL the kids :)

We had pizza and cake, icecream and presents, and then I thought "It's time to go already?!" But, my philosophy has always been that it's better to end while everyone is still having a good time and before the kids start "melting down."


ok, next post WILL BE all about our life in the country. Stay tuned.

Hello out there. We made it through the first week of school and managed to get everybody where they needed to be so now I can give you a little update.




We had a great end to our summer with a visit from cousins. I had fun loving on the girls while Karen and Jeff (sister-in-law, brother-in-law) took Holden home with them.. As with most situations there is some sadness that goes with it. You know what I'm going to say...see Lew in the picture below....I miss her even more when we're with people she loved so much. My flesh screams that she should be here enjoying her cousins with the rest of us. It is a continuous struggle. By the way, my pastor's wife, Karen, from Chicago sent me an incredible CD called "Disappointment, Now what?" Paul Tripp is the speaker and Karen was right when she said it was the best she ever heard on the topic of disappointment and suffering. I can't even begin to do it justice to tell you what all he said, but as I listened I was incredibly challenged, encouraged, and once again given hope. I'll try to download it on here if you'd like to listen. Correction, I'll get Billy to download it...I would have no clue how to do it. I'll get back you on that.

Anyway, one of the biggest things the teaching from this CD made me realize is that my suffering is a CALLING. It's not an exciting or easy calling but is still part of the story God has written for me. I long to walk worthy of this calling and continue to accept it even though I would have never chosen it for my life. Another thing Paul Tripp addressed was that we're in a battle everyday. With our sufferings and disappointments we battle bitterness vs. acceptance....and our sufferings reveal the idols of our hearts. God alone should hold our hearts, not the things of this world. God has used the truths on this CD to continue to change my heart and the way I think about my walk with Him.

All in all we really had a good summer. Moving and unpacking took several weeks but we were still able to enjoy the pool and friends and grandparents and the beach. July 2 was hard. I felt very heavy all day as I replayed the day a year ago in my head. I remembered how horribly low I felt that afternoon in 2008. I struggled with fear this summer. Fear that something might happen to my other children when they were away from me and unbelief that God would be big enough if that happened. That could potentially be a life long struggle/battle.

So often I get so focused on my own grief that I forget my children struggle too, and they handle it so differently. When I drove to Indiana to get Holden and take the twins home, he had a hard time going to bed the first night. I layed down with him and he started crying, saying he missed Alaina. I said, "What made you think of her?" He shared a sweet memory and then said "I guess just being away from ya'll and when you come to get me you could get in a crash and die." Then he asked me on the way home if Billy was still alive. I hate that a seven year old boy has to deal with these issues. But it's a great opportunity to remind him of how much we both need Jesus. And I am able to share with him how I struggle with the exact same things. Pray for his heart if you think about it. (and Elley's)



Alaina with Caroline and Rachel in 2006......





August 2009....

They loved the Aquatic Center



Billy took lots of little ladies out on the town for a date....



We spent one day at Smith Lake









ok, next post maybe I can show you some pictures of our fine lookin doublewide...on the inside and not in two pieces. And, I'll try to download the Paul Tripp CD for those who are interested. Better yet, if it's too complicated (time consuming) to download, I would love to mail you a copy of the CD. If you're interested you can email me or leave a comment. Trust me, it's a CD to listen to over and over...it is THAT good!

Reasons I haven't been blogging

The moving process...

Camping in Indiana with Chicago friends...

A visit from these ladies :)







The Beach (again!)


















And a "trade off" with these sweeties. (Holden went to Indiana with Bethany and these girls are staying with me)




ok, I never have the energy to write anything after posting all these pictures, so I'll be back soon with a wordy update.

See you soon.....

Remembering with some favorites

I wish all I could remember was the joy of her life. But the painful reality is that I remember almost every single detail of that awful. horrible, heartbreaking, confusing day of July 2 . So yes, the next few days will be hard, but we'll put one foot in front of the other and ask the Lord for continued GRACE and STRENGTH to get through it even when we don't "feel" like it. I'm just ready for the day to pass. I'm remembering my theme verse today....Could you remember it with me and claim it today and the days to come for our family....

Lamentations 3:21-25 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness...The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him.

HE ALONE IS OUR HOPE!

I'm so grateful that you've chosen to "walk" this road with me....even you stalkers out there :)

This will probably be my last post for the next few weeks. We're painting, cleaning, moving -so there's just too much going on to blog, but I'll be back.

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