Girls night

Meet some of my Cullman friends (slideshow above)....they're super fun! I had a little Christmas dinner for them and afterwards we went to local coffee shop and painted these fun pictures. These are some of the friends who have been willing to step into my pain and truly be a friend to me...to ask me how I'm doing (Really) and stop by my house to check on me....yet another reminder of God's grace in my life at each moment that I need it.

My favorite ornament this year

I smiled when I opened it....sent from a dear friend who knew the perfect ornament for my tree this year. Alaina's favorite shoes to wear were her red sparkles. It didn't matter if they matched, usually they didn't...she didn't care. Those were the shoes she was buried in. They didn't match her little dress with pink flowers but I knew this is how she would've wanted it. I just can't type it without tears....buried. It's an ugly word, just like gravestone, funeral, death. I hate, yes, HATE those words. Days like today are hard. Days when I'm so busy with the kids and we are literally gone ALL day...then I get home and have a minute to "think" and it hits me all over again. The brief moments during the day when I'm alone, the grief is so raw and heavy. Physically it feels like a heaviness on my chest. In the midst, I am reminded of the season and what we celebrate and I have hope to continue on. Deep down in the fiber of my being if I believe I'll see her again one day I have a whole new view of heaven. The thought of her running to me, when I can touch her again and hold her...I pray that this is part of eternity. And I know there's nothing here that is her loss...it's OUR loss and pain and struggle, not hers. Her creator is everything she needs now and truly HE is what we need to make it. I can have joy this Christmas because He continues to be the Atchisons Wonderful Counselor, our Mighty God, our Everlasting Father, our Prince of Peace. I don't know what heaven will be like, I just know what I WANT it to be. I've got to trust the Lord for that too...that it will be as He has planned...perfect. Billy is constantly asking me "Do you think she'll still be a four year old when we get to heaven, will she know us, why can't God just "talk" to us, etc." I don't have the answers but I do know that God holds all these things and it will be ok...just like the christian life is that cycle of repent and believe, repent and believe, it's also surrender and trust, surrender and trust. And by His grace that is what I choose to do every day. Would I change my circumstance if I could, YES!! but that's not what He is calling me to do..that's not an option. He IS calling me to surrender and trust and so I will.

We're going....we're going to Butler the day after Christmas. I have peace about it, not that I think it won't be hard...I think it's unrealistic to think it will be an easy, laid back trip, but it's time. Time to face it, time to "push through" the memories of that day in July and get to enjoy the great place that it is. I hate the term "moving on." I won't call it that. To me, moving on suggests that we're leaving her behind and forgetting somehow. Let's just say we will "keep going." We'll keep living. We'll continue to talk about her and enjoy who she is in our lives. My Mom and Elley were making a little gum drop tree and Elley said "I wish Laina could see it." I love that she will say things like this. I love that she remembers her sister and can express it this way. I love any way that she is remembered....the memories you've shared with me, the angel ornament that says "in memory of Alaina, Dec. 2008".... thank you for remembering with me. Her life is something to celebrate and I need help to do it. This time last year, to me, she was the star of the Christmas card...you didn't have to convince her to scowl like a redneck, she just knew what to do. She was so fun like that.


Merry Christmas friends,
Hope

Happy Birthday Holden!

We had some good birthday fun this past weekend. Holden had three little boys and one big boy (my nephew Clemson) spend the night Friday night for his 7th birthday. (oh my goodness, is he really seven?) My parents had the girls and I'm so thankful since little girls don't really gel with light sabers (sp?), swords, guns, tackling, etc. The weekend was a huge success....seriously, all I had to do was feed them. Billy and Clemson organized the football and basketball and they did every "boy" thing imaginable. They all went to bed at 11:30 pm :) I never heard a sound after that until about 8:15 the next morning as they were raring to go again. It brought me joy to see Holden having so much fun.

The Daily Battle

Thank you for all your kind cards/thoughts/prayers for me during Thanksgiving and leading up to Christmas. Yes, it was and will be hard without Alaina but I think I've realized it can't be any HARDER than just our daily life. The empty seat at the table and in the car, the missing laughter and chatter of another little girl, the missing name on a card that says Dear Billy, Hope, Holden, Elley and Mary Helen, the little girl that's not in the pictures....all the daily things.

Thanksgiving was really good. We had a great time in Indiana with my brother and sister-in-law. The biggest thing I expected to be hard was the memory of Alaina in their house. The day we got there, when I had a minute alone upstairs I just tried to take a deep breath and look around and remember her in certain spots she loved. I smiled when I pictured her on the horse and playing with the barbie house. The lump in my throat was there but I was fighting to see her laughing and full of life in my memory. I'm always fighting. Fighting to keep going and not withdraw, fighting to keep my joy, fighting with the enemy with what he seeks to "steal, kill and destroy."

How is this battle fought? Daily, by confessing by utter and complete dependence on Jesus...saying His name out loud and praying for grace in the moment. That's the simple answer.

Remembering is great at times and awful at times. I love the house I grew up in. I can vividly remember riding through the yard in the golf cart and playing fast food "drive through" at my bedroom window and bank drive through with my Dad's big calculator, pulling friends around on a piece of carpet tied to the back of the golf cart, going far back into the woods to where I couldn't see the house anymore, putting on shows in my closet and busting the glitter baton in my bedroom as I pretended to spank a student in my "class." And now I get to watch my children play the same things I did and it's so special. They LOVE going there. I haven't been back since Alaina died. I just haven't been ready to face it, but I want to. I WILL go there.... but now I have some memories there that will cause me to "fight" when I go. Fight to remember all the great days Alaina had there...one of her favorite places to be. This is one of my biggest daily battles. The flashbacks, the morning I found her and the events that followed that day. I remember watching my Dad carry Mary Helen around while the paramedics were with Alaina, where I was when my Dad came out and said she was gone, where I sat when I called Billy and had to tell him over the phone that Alaina had died, the policeman's faces, the day my world was changed. But the day that God was holding me and never leaving and the day I knew he was now the holder of my oldest daughter. So, by God's grace I will not lose this battle. I know the ending already and it gives me hope to press on.

I'm missing Chicago these past few days. When we were coming home from Indiana I wanted to turn towards Illinois on the interstate. It's snowing there and I so miss that! I miss our church and friends but I think the biggest thing is I miss what we had there. That's where I "hear" Alaina's voice. I want to go back to that place of no pain like this present pain. I think back on our hardest days there and would take them anyday over losing her. If I have hard days with one of the kids now and we're in the middle of a meltdown I think "I wish I was doing this with Alaina." I wish she was the one being disciplined. I wish she was HERE! I think about our last year with her and how precious it was. She was so strong-willed at times. I remember one night when our small group was together in Illinois we were sharing prayer requests and I asked for prayer as I was parenting her. "Sometimes I wonder what she's thinking as she's laying in bed each night. Does she even feel loved by us or does she just feel like we're "on her" all the time....just always correcting and disciplining." We remained consistent with her and I(we) just tried my best to balance discipline and grace and assure her every night how much I loved her. If you've been reading this blog from the beginning you probably remember reading about my hard day with her at the children's museum in Indiana....I think it was one of my first few posts. The day I cried in the bathroom stall because I was so frustrated with her. Well, it was so neat to see her grow and mature from there. She really turned some corners the last year. Instead of her response being "no!" it started to be "ok, Mama! or ok Daddy!" Instead of doing the opposite of what we said she began to obey quickly and I was SO thankful. Looking back I remember her becoming extremely affectionate even the last few weeks of her life. She would initiate the hug or the kiss or the "Mama...I love you." I get mad when I can't clearly "hear" that sweet voice in my head. I get it mixed up with Elley's voice now.

So we got a Christmas tree today and I picked up her stocking and held it. I was dreading that. Her ornaments are on the tree...she is part of this family and so deeply loved.

Romans 8:32 "He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?

This post is picture overload. There's the slide show and then our family pictures that we had done a few days ago.

Here's the link to the family pictures...we made it through and even smiled in the process! :) That's what you do when you're trying to fight the battle.

www.erinnolenphotography.com/atchison

Sunbeam

It pains me to post without pictures. Why am I weird like that? I think I just realized why I need there to be pictures. ok, the pictures represent something. It's that I want you to "see" that we're going to be ok. I want you to see us smiling and "living" life even though our days are SO hard without her. This all came full circle for me this past weekend. Billy and I were driving to Troy's homecomimg and I said "So you're good for our pictures on Monday, right?" To which he replies "No, I can't do it." "You're kidding, right?" "No, I really can't, I had something come up with work that I have to do, I just got the email last night."

I could feel the lump in my throat. Now let me set the scene for you a little better. Some dear friends we've made here in Cullman offered to pay for us to have our first family picture whenever we were ready. I decided now was the time and we could hopefully use one for our Christmas card. Some of you may be thinking it's too hard for us to even do a card this year, but honestly, the thought of NOT doing one is even sadder to me. So I've realized that this year's card symbolizes so much more than just our picture. It's a symbol of hope for me. It means that we're going to "live" in the midst of this hurt and these tears. It's taking the next step on this journey. It's letting our friends and family see that we can smile and we're going to make it!!!!!! To see that we still believe in God's goodness. Does that make sense?

So all that to say, I had our outfits picked, the photographer scheduled to come to our house, etc. and Billy says he can't do it. He says (before realizing how important this is to me) "It's just a picture, we can reschedule." So after my anger boils on the inside for a while I say through my tears...."It's NOT just a picture...not this year!!!" We had a great talk about it and after listening to me he completely understood. So you can be sad when you see our picture but I also pray it will be a symbol of hope when you look at it.... and that it will remind you to pray. You know how the new year is always exciting...fresh starts, new goals, etc. I think of 2009 and I feel weary at the thought of moving forward without Lew. But God will give grace for those days too. Again, it goes back to surrender and trust.

Maybe the next post will be just one big slide show of pictures. We've been camping, done Halloween(even Billy and I dressed up this year) and went to Troy's Homecoming this past weekend. All very fun. It was good to laugh.

Or, maybe the next post will just be for you to listen to my playlist of songs. Sometimes I'm amazed at how the words seem to say EXACTLY how I feel. So if you ever wonder how I'm doing, just listen to the words.

Oh, one more thing. Last night I was reading back through cards that people have sent and came across these notes and it made me smile.....

"We can only say that our lives were blessed and enriched by knowing that sweet little sunbeam, Alaina. She of the bold spirit and cheerful countenance....of the extra-large hairbows and southern-style dresses...of the curious eyes and quick smile."..... I couldn't have described her any better than this!

"Time moves for everyone around you- but likely not for you. And I reckon that your broken hearts are hurting more now than even a week ago. God is faithful. When you are in the "I can't do this, God" desolate pit, Jesus will be there. My prayer for you will continue to be that God's grace flowing not just over you, but into the fissures of your broken hearts- will be a comforting reality."

God is answering your prayers! He gives us grace daily to keep walking, to keep pressing on.

Until next time(WITH PICTURES)
Hope :)