Finding our way

First time for my small group to meet....first time someone asks how many children I have.....First day of women's bible study(this morning). All of of a sudden I realize I am being asked to introduce myself. My heart is pounding as it's almost my turn. I'm thinking "ok, I'm going to be in this bible study with these women for a while and it's a pretty small group, so here goes"...."I'll be real honest, I hate introducing myself lately!" and the crying begins....I just am never sure what to say. I just can't bring myself to say I have three children. She's not here but she'll always be our little girl. We have four children. It's ok to say it. I don't always need to explain it. I went on to ask the ladies not feel awkward around me or think they shouldn't bring up Alaina. Well I guess I shouldn't tell people how to feel...I hate it when people tell me what to do or how I'm probably going to feel. I've been in the awkward place before of not knowing what to say/do and I need to remember that. It's just sometimes more hurtful/awkward when she isn't mentioned. I love to talk/think about her. I really can do it a lot without crying but sometimes it just hits me when I don't expect it...like this morning when I had to say my name and tell about myself. At our small group we were asked to share prayer requests...now how in the world can I share anything else???? We need prayer...lots of prayer as we're trying to "figure out life" without our little girl. It's a humbling place to be when you burst into tears in front of a large group of people...some you've met that night for the first time. But, I won't have it any other way. I long to be real and honest and not just say "please pray for us as we're in a new town and for Billy's new job." Let's just dive right in. I don't have time to stay on the surface.

I can't describe how much I miss Alaina. All our kids are super fun but she just had a unique way about her. So, so special! It hurts deeper than you could imagine. I think it's possibly the worst pain you could ever experience. But I hope you read our story and are amazed by God...not by how we're "handling" this but how awesome and wonderful our God is. If not for Him we couldn't handle it...we couldn't go another day. God brought me to this verse yesterday...

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised." Romans 4:20-21

Please pray for our next few days. My parents will have our kids in Butler and Billy and I are headed to North Carolina for some time away. Pray that I will not worry about them while I'm gone. I want to enjoy the time with Billy and rest. Just pray that God would guard my heart and mind.

"To God be the glory, great things he hath done,
so loved he the world that he gave us his son,
who yielded his life an atonement for sin,
and opened the life gate that all may go in.
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
let the earth hear his voice,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
let the people rejoice.
Oh come to the Father through Jesus the Son,
and give him the glory, great things he hath done."

How could I NOT trust Him?

Ok, it has been almost one month since my last post....Hello again! :) I feel like I'm barely keeping up with all we have going on. It's not that the kids are in 100 activities..we've got Holden and El's school and soccer and church...pretty basic. But nevertheless, we're busy as is all of America.

Ok, let me think what these slide show pictures are...I just love pictures because they show our life. This is the main reason I love to scrapbook, because our life is in those books. This slide show captures a little of what we've been up to. We made it to the zoo.... my sister and brother-in-law and nieces came for a visit over memorial day weekend and the kids put together a lemonade stand..... I think that's the whole slide show. Oh, the Elley in her nightgown picture is when my good friend Alysia came for the weekend from Chicago. We had a great visit.

Last week, my parents came for the week and held down the fort so that I could go to Orange Beach with Billy for a work trip he had. Before I give the details of that can I just say that my parents are awesome. Really, I am so blessed. They would walk to the the ends of the earth for me...and in many ways they have! I just read a quote that said "that is how I first felt confident that my life was under the care and protection of a kind and compassionate father." This sums up my Dad, kind and compassionate.... and gentle and loving and Godly. Seriously, one of the greatest men I know. Growing up under the care of my parents, I agree with this author that it was never a question in my mind that there was a perfect and loving and good Heavenly Father. After all, I knew what a wonderful earthly father my Dad had been and could only imagine a perfect Heavenly Daddy. To say I'm thankful just doesn't even begin to express how I feel about my parents.

So it was great to get away to the beach although Billy and I didn't get to spend a lot of time just the two of us because of his conference. We're headed to the mountains at the end of September for some time away not work related, a belated anniversary trip. The beach was great. You know how the beach is, you step foot on the sand and it automatically causes you to take a deep breath. There is something so breathtaking about God's handiwork. This trip I burst into tears the minute I got on the beach. Overwhelmed with sadness but also with amazement over God's great love for me. A song I've listened to lately says "How could I not trust my King?" I love this chorus because it's so where I am. How could I not trust Jesus? What else is there, really?!? What else could I turn to that would satisfy? Nothing that is eternal....NOTHING!!! So I just run to Him. I fall on Him. I cry to Him. I wrestle with my thoughts "God, can't our life just please be like it was before? Can't you just let me have my daughter here? Please God." He brings me back always to the truth that this is His plan and He will redeem even this great pain for my good and His glory. I really do believe that even though I don't want to. It's just not what I want. I want easy. I want that easy button to push and then I don't have to struggle or experience such intense pain.

I grieve not only for Alaina but for the laid back part of my personality. I was never one to go to the worst case scenario in my mind. Worry and fear were never huge struggles. Now it's an everyday battle. Mary Helen gets a fever and I can't even talk to my Dad on the phone, I have to give the phone to Wendy and let her tell him how much Tylenol to give her. I no longer enjoy going in the kids room at night to check on them...there's always that nervous pit in my stomach before I see they're breathing. If they sleep late in the morning I don't want to go in their room for fear of what I could find. It's AWFUL!! I can't explain how I hate it. The enemy is always there to whisper in my ear. He really is "a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. The thief comes to steal, kill an destroy." BUT, "I have come that you may have LIFE." I do have life and peace and joy in the midst of this battle with fear and unbelief. I'm sure it will get easier but this will probably be a lifelong struggle...a constant surrender every time one of my children gets sick and every time I hear that horrible ambulance siren.

Even though it sometimes feels like it, I know that I'm not the first person to lose a child or go through something so painful. I'm so much more aware of other's suffering. It's everywhere, everywhere I turn...disease and pain and death. I don't enjoy watching the news at all!! So again, how could I NOT trust Him in the midst of living in such a fallen and sinful world?

Holden and Elley seem to be doing ok, although I can tell Holden is constantly processing Alaina's death. He drew a picture of the cemetery and he pointed out "the green fuzzy chairs" we sat in. He hugged me and patted my back and asked "why did everyone hug that way at the funeral?" He remembers so many details, things I never thought would make an impression on him. Thus another battle for me. I lie down and everything is replayed in my mind. The morning I found Alaina, the funeral and days surrounding it...the whole bad dream that I want to forget but can't. I am utterly dependent on Jesus and so helpless at times. I am constantly replacing the awful images with the amazing four years we had with Lew.

Billy is having a "better" week but please continue to pray. I feel very overwhelmed at times about how to "be there" for Billy and the children. I have to lay down the weight I feel of them all needing me as I'm dealing with my own pain.

I'll end with some quotes from a little book I've read....they say it better than I can.

"Grief from whatever source, is a long and painful journey. And, I found, it is full of frightful choices. The urge to retreat into a cocoon-like existence is great, and depression is slipped into so easily. The allure of escaping into busyness or pleasurable fancies also raised its ugly head.

Alongside all of this temptation that would take us further and further from healing lies the sometimes obscure choice of acceptance. Obscure because this path leads into the pain and makes no promise of a quick cure. Instead, it opens the wound to its very depth and applies the healing balm of God's very special grace from the inside out." Verdell Davis, Riches Stored in Secret Places

"Discouragement is a large cloud that like all clouds, obscures the warmth and joy of the sun. In the case of spiritual discouragement, the Son of God, the Lord Jesus, is eclipsed in our lives. Discouragement is Satan's device to thwart the work of God in our lives. Discouragement blinds our eyes to the mercy of God and makes us perceive only the unfavorable circumstances. There is only one way to dispel discouragement, and it is not in our own strength or ingenuity. The Bible says, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart:wait, I say on the Lord" (Psalm 27:14) Billy Graham


"No matter what the circumstances, God always has the last word. Always. And it is a word of triumph. There is no death! What joy! For those of us left on earth puzzling it out, ultimately after weeping through the night, we notice that the shades lighten slowly, and sunlight eventually pours in, making the dust motes dance, and making the room habitable once again. The peace of God passes understanding." Leslie Williams

I especially love this one....

"Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. (Luke 6:21) The courage to laugh ultimately rests with our belief in the faithfulness of God. During our grief we will not likely laugh for the right reasons, unless we feel assured that God has a stake in our lives and will come through for us. So then, it becomes our belief behind our laughter that makes the laughter a healing force. God himself has engendered our laughter, and he becomes the divine enabler of our joy.

Robert A. Williams...Journey Through Grief


"Because of the Lord's great love we are NOT consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lam 3:22,24

Because of who He is I am not consumed even though at times I feel like it. He brings me back to what is true. Corrie Ten Boom said "We must go everywhere. We must tell everyone that no pit is so deep that He is not deeper still. They will believe us because we were here." Whatever is going on in our lives, He is able. Nothing is beyond His redemption. The challenge is to believe this truth even though our emotions scream the opposite. In spite of my weakness and unbelief, He IS faithful, He IS good, He IS Sovereign, He IS God. I've been to the "deep pit" and He has proven himself faithful.

I thank God for all of you, for your letters and cards filled with kind words and reminding me of God's truth, your messages on my answering machine, your comments on this blog....your taking time to simply listen......Thank you for loving me!

That's why I need Jesus....along the road

These pictures are of Holden and Elley's first day of school , El Bell's birthday(sorry, she doesn't like to wear clothes) and our day at the water park. These make me smile because I see joy in my children and Beeney (Mary Blake). I love to see them laughing and it reminds me that I can laugh and have fun too.

How am I doing? It's such a hard question to answer. At this moment, I want to yell at the computer because it won't cooperate.

Let's see, the things I don't expect to be hard really are hard and sometimes I feel like the grief is like a punch in the stomach. I have to take a deep breath. Then, the things that I build up in my head to be hard sometimes aren't.

For example, I got everything ready to take Elley to her little preschool open house and we jumped in the car, just the two of us, and I immediately started sobbing. I cried the whole way to church. Looking back at El and seeing her all alone in the back seat without her sister and best friend to talk to and laugh with and say "we're going to our new school." She just seemed so lonely. She was very quiet the whole way and although she can't verbalize it as much I know she feels the loss. So I'm praying as I drive "ok Lord, I can't go in like this....I can't even form a sentence....maybe Caroline will be there already and she can take Elley in for me and take her supplies. If you want me to go in then you've got to calm me down. If not, then I'm really fine going home and we don't have to do this today." I sat in the parking lot and slowly the tears stopped, we went through those doors, and it was fine. The ache is hard to carry in moments like those and I just pray, "Lord I'm giving this to you, I can't do this, I can't hold up under this burden....please carry this for me." And just when I think it seems unbearable, I realize that I'm still walking.

I get out of bed every day. I enjoy my kids. I laugh, cry, stare, wrestle with fear, try to love my husband well through this, worry, pray, try to explain how I'm doing, ask God for wisdom to help my children deal with this and want to take the pain away for them, feel very overwhelmed, wonder what we're going to eat for dinner......

One minute I'm so thankful for the four years we had with Lew and the next I'm asking "Really God, is this our story? Really, are you asking/telling us that we must walk through this? Really!!??" Give me grace to say "Not my will, but yours be done." But, oh God, I so want her here with us...But, oh yeh, that's right, she's better than she has ever been, she isn't going through what we are. In heaven, there is no more night! Thank you Jesus. Thank you that one day, we will see you face to face and there will be no more distractions. There will be no more fear or worry or SIN or death or struggle....I've read the back of the book and thank you that this is not all there is.

I struggle with right perspective. In everything there are two ways to look at it. I pray constantly for grace to choose His way. Grace to say "You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." By your grace....not by willing myself to choose it or mustering up anything in myself but all through Him. Thinking about Alaina dying in my parents house, the house I grew up in and now having to face it every time we go there. One friends perspective on this.... " How wonderful that she died in that house, the place that she loved to go, the place where all she knew was love and the fun and laughter that happened there." I thought to myself, "that is precious and THAT is how I'm going to choose to see it." I'm not saying it won't be hard going there but it so helps to think of the life she loved in that house. When we celebrated Elley's birthday this weekend and she was so thrilled over her big girl barbie cake my heart goes to "Lew would be loving this....she would think this cake is the most awesome thing ever, she would be as excited as Elley." But, I choose to be excited for Elley and enjoy the moment with her even though there is such sadness in my heart. I'm reminded that Lew is at the best celebration of her life.....so much better than a barbie cake and birthday.

You've heard me say before but don't you see how the loss is felt everywhere. It follows me around and I yell at it to leave me alone but it's stubborn and won't leave and it's a daily battle. A daily surrender to my flesh, a surrender of MY will. God causes me to lay it down...to let go and stop holding on to anything here. This is really where I want to be....obedient to whatever he has for us, to be about the things of Jesus...to live gospel centered. Of course, I want to do this with Alaina here but that's just not God's plan.

AND, all of this on top of my own daily sin. It's only God guarding my mouth that I haven't yelled at people. (ok, these are all random and not related to each other) In my head I'm yelling(at whoever) "Enough of all your judgemental crap, I mean attitude :) .... Did you really just tell me I will be charged the aftercare fee for school when I'm three minutes late to get Holden?" Seriously, I wanted to say, "that's just what I needed you to say to me this afternoon since I just buried my daughter this summer. I'm doing the best I can to get him to and from school!!!!! How about some extra grace here????" See, this is where my thoughts go. And I say this just one day after telling Billy "you don't just yell out to people that our daughter just died, they will thing we are total freaks." No sooner do I tell him this do I feel the urge to yell it at the lady at school....just because I didn't that day doesn't mean I won't ever....I just don't know what will come out. It's a hard place to be. Sometimes I want to say in any given conversation "Um, I know your mouth is moving and words are coming out, but I'm just tired. I'm going to walk away now." I'm just so judgemental. In my heart I am so judgemental of moms who I feel are too uptight or controlling and I'm sure they're judging me for being too laid back. I think my way is the right way. It's MY pride. Not sure how all this relates, I'm kinda rambling. I guess what I'm trying to say is there is nothing I hate worse than a judgemental attitude, a prideful spirit( which I have) or feeling the need to "have it all together." I guess several years ago I realized NOBODY has it "all together" and if I ever start to think they do then I so don't understand sin and the gospel. In reality those that seem on the surface to be "Mr. or Mrs. together" are the ones who are probably the most "messed up." :) We all have our junk, our pride and weaknesses. Especially as women we are so driven by what other moms think of our kids and are we going to get the mom of the year award.....This is why we need JESUS. He knows how broken and sinful we truly are and loves us in spite of our deepest struggle. Did I just sound like a preacher? Preach it sista :)

One of my favorite songs at NPC...not sure of the name but the chorus was
"Not the righteous, not the righteous....sinners Jesus came to call."

"None but Jesus, none but Jesus, can do helpless sinners good."

Please pray for Billy. He's struggling just like I am and we're working through it together, but I ask that you pray for him specifically this week.

Until next time,
Hope

A Word From Daddy...

A Word From Daddy,

Many of you have asked if I would share my thoughts on this blog (ok, not many but a few, really just two and one of those was my mom.) So for all two of you that may read this… here you go... Honestly, I don’t see how Hope does this blog stuff. She’s so good at articulating how she is feeling / I find it very difficult to summarize what’s going on in my heart. Every time I try to write something I just sit here and get frustrated – I’m just not that good at writing out my thoughts. I think it’s also hard for me to let the entire world have access to my heart – therefore, this will not be a normal activity for me.

I had driven all day from Butler, AL to Chicago on Tuesday, July 1st to finalize a moving company to move our family from Chicago to Cullman, AL. I got in about 2:00am that night. I awoke to a cell phone call from my good friend Dick Albaugh. He just said, “Hey, you at home? Ok, I’ve got to call you back.” (I later found out that phone call was to make sure that I had made it home before Hope told me about Alaina) A few minutes later the phone rang again. It was my wife and it was to become the conversation I’ve replayed in my mind a thousand times: “It’s not good Billy, it’s not good… Alaina died this morning”, Wait, I didn't hear her correctly, "What?" "Alaina died." I fell to my knees and we both wept like never before. The pain is hard to describe, other than to say I’ve never hurt like that before.

Within minutes close friend were showing up at my house in Chicago. My wife had called my friends first (before she called me) and asked them to head my way to be with me right after she informed me of the news. To this day, it boggles my mind how Hope had the whereabouts to think to call my friends before calling me. Within 30 minutes of giving CPR to her daughter she was thinking of others. She was thinking for me and wanted to make sure that I had support as I received this horrible news. (Hope, thank you for showing me love in such a remarkable way. My words don’t give my appreciation justice.) Those friends, who came by my side, thank you. I don’t remember anything said during that hour, but I do remember that you were there with me and helped carry my burden with your love, compassion and tears. Shortly there after my new company called and informed me that they, through a vendor partner, had a private jet on its way to a close airport to pick me up and fly me home to be with my family. Thank you for that. When I saw Hope for the first time my heart sank even further and we embraced like never before. Both of us had lost something we loved with our entire soul. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life when it came to comforting my wife. This was something that I couldn’t fix.

The first several days I would wake myself crying. However, through this entire ordeal I’ve never felt compelled to ask “why”. I don’t think there is an answer for such questions this side of heaven, at least no answer that would satisfy. Going down that path would just leave me frustrated, angry and bitter at God and life itself. I have a much better appreciation of studying the characteristics of God like never before. You see, Hope and I have believed for some time now that God is truly in control of all things. All things happen for his glory and ultimately for my good. I’m not sure how I would help someone through something like this after the fact. I think we are handling this horrible situation in a healthy way because of what we’ve believed for years about God… That He is good, no matter what, all the time. Because of his grace we have continued to believe these truths about God, and that’s why we are doing ok and are going to be ok in the long run. I’ve also thought much about the “Victorious Christian Life” that the Christian world likes to throw around and treat God as if he has Santa Clause qualities – giving you what you want, when you want it, and life without pain, death or sorrow. Well, I firmly believe we are living the Victorious Christian Life right now. The victorious Christian life is not a life free of troubles… It’s about allowing Christ to walk with you (and some times carry you) through those quandaries. He is with us now and I too hear the train daily.

I am tired. If I’m an 8 cylinder engine I feel like I’m only operating 2 cylinders right now, but the engine is at full red line (8,000 rpm). (For you women – that means maxed out). I’m not able to think clearly and get overwhelmed and frustrated at the simplest of task; i.e... It took me eight hours to put together a simple filing cabinet last week!!!
We basically went through the perfect storm when it comes to stress levels:
Selling a house (in the worst market in 20 years and losing all your equity)
Finding new housing
Leaving a great church
Finding a new church
Leaving close friends/relationships
Having to make new friends
Leaving a job that I enjoyed
Starting and learning a new job
Family being separated for three months due to new job
New schools for our kids
New friends for our kids
The death of our daughter, Alaina
And Holden and Elley losing their best friend

I’m sure all the psychology books would recommend some type of institution for someone who has experienced these things with-in the time frame we have. However, God is holding us together – through his word and through his people, the Church. I believe things would be much more difficult if the people of Naperville, Eastern Shore and Christ Covenant Presbyterian Churches had not acted as they have. (FBC of Butler and FBC of Orange park for our parents.) These churches and other friends have been a great example to me of ministering to someone in need. At some point I hope to personally thank everyone for all you have done. However, right now, the thought of writing thank you notes is somewhat overwhelming with everything else going on. For right now… just know that I am thankful for all you have given to me and my family.

As far as my new job goes: Territory Manager for Sunbelt Fire in North Alabama: I love it. The fire industry has some top quality guys and the people I’ve met thus far will be friends for life. I truly believe this is where God wants me and hope that Sunbelt Fire will keep me around for a while. Sunbelt, thank you for all you have done.

I love Cullman and our new church and look forward to the many new relationships that God has in store for me.

Click Here to Listen to Alaina's Funeral:
http://www.box.net/shared/gefc3rsgs0

If you would like to listen to Alaina’s funeral please click on the link above. It was the most memorable worship time of my life and we want to thank all those who were involved and attended. The recorded music does not come close to effectively reflecting how wonderful the singing was due to the quality of the recording (Keith and Karen - you guys were great - thank you). This link also has a copy of the handout given at the funeral.

This is my last post for a while… I’m exhausted from writing. Mom, I hope you enjoyed this.

P.S. Dr. A, you won’t ever lock up these guns; they don’t make locks that big!

He is faithful...along the road

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns." Psalm 46:1-5

This is one of the many verses I've found as I've opened new cans of formula and boxes of diapers for Mary Helen. It is incredible to me that even when I don't have the energy to pick up my bible, God puts the Word in front of me some other way. Jennifer W. (I think this was you), THANK YOU for encouraging me in this way. She put a notecard with scripture in every can of formula and every box of diapers...Thank you friends for the diapers and formula too! God is faithful when I am at my lowest. See, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is still the same Good and loving heavenly Father....the One who is powerful enough to carry us during the most devastating time of our life.

ok, so a little over a month ago I did what I've ONLY always read or heard about. I planned my child's funeral....I sat in our car behind the hurse and thought "Is this really happening? Is this really me?" "Are we really going to bury her?" Just before the car pulled away I looked up and saw my new pastor and his wife Allison standing close to our car. Billy rolled down the window and they walked over and leaned in and Allison said "We're ready to love you!" Ok, I had met her once, the one Sunday I visited Christ Covenant. God so used her in that moment to encourage me. It's like he was saying "See, I am the same God in Cullman Alabama....I will provide for your every need.....trust me."

Looking back, it was ALWAYS God's strength, God's grace, God's mercy, God's peace that allowed me to walk through those awful days....and it continues to be His faithfulness every single day as it is still SO hard. And, God used His body, the church, to rally around us. I will never forget Lori, Wendy and Slade sitting at my parents kitchen table with us and helping plan Alaina's funeral. They helped us think when we couldn't think clearly. Wendy even wrote my to do lists :) What incredible friends. Karen, our pastors wife in Chicago totally took over getting us a moving company....my Chicago friends cleaned our house for the new family to move in....so many friends drove or flew from Chicago to be with us....so many made plans on such short notice....friends and family who helped with Holden, Elley and Mary Helen.....the hundreds of cards and words of encouragement...the FOOD....the financial support.....the PRAYERS on our behalf.... the friends who have loved and welcomed us to Cullman....I know this isn't even everything, and I'm overwhelmed even as I type.

My days are hard yet filled with hope because of Jesus. The things that frustrated me before are much more frustrating now. Holden and Elley (and even laid back Mary Helen) are much more needy these days. We're all needy. My pride....see, I've never wanted to be the "needy" friend. Just days after the funeral we were still at my parents house and my dad and Billy weren't' there for some reason, it was just my mom and I with Holden, Elley, Mary H. and my nephew, Clemson. Elley and Mary H. were crying and Clemson and Holden were running in the hallway and slamming themselves into the door. I could feel myself about to "lose it" and of course, it was starting to get dark outside. Finally, I called to my mom as I was sobbing, to come in and help me (she was working in the yard) "I just can't do this right now!!" Like I said, the things that would normally be a little stressful are now a LOT stressful. I know that's not good English, but oh well. On the outside, I'm sure much of our life looks the same. I go to Walmart(and in my head I dare someone to be rude or short with me....I picture myself yelling "Don't you dare be mean to me, I just lost my 4 year old daughter!!") Sometimes I'm scared to think what may come out of my mouth. I feed the children, we play, we are taking care of all logistical things like school and school supplies.....all that "normal" stuff except it' s NOT normal anymore. It's painful. It hurts. It feels like sometimes your heart is going to explode.

Yet, I prayed something this week. I asked God to remind me of his goodness and love for me. There is a train track very close to our house and trains pass through all day. So, I prayed that every time I hear that train I would be reminded of God 's grace in my life, God's perfect love for me. It's faithful to "pass through" every day, several times a day and it's loud and clear and distinct. I can hear it no matter if I'm at home or in "town." It's my Father's goodness and grace no matter if I'm doing "ok" in that moment or really struggling....it's His faithfulness to always remind me of who HE is.

Missing a little girl....along the road

We're moved in!!! It feels great to be settled a little. Our church family as well as old friends and others have loved us so well. My house is mostly unpacked and thanks to Wendy, Jennifer and Lori most of my pictures are on the walls and my things are in their rightful place. We had fun and laughed a lot during their three night stay. As I laughed, it's like I would think "wait a minute....I'm SO sad." But God's grace allows me to laugh and still be joyful because my hope in Jesus is sure. I look back and am truly convinced that He has carried me.

I never knew that I could physically ache over something....over a loss like this. When Lori, Wendy and Jennifer had some of their kids here the ache was with me as I knew Alaina would LOVE to be running and playing with all her friends.....as I watched Holden and Elley see their new rooms for the first time and be totally delighted, the ache was there just knowing that Lew would be saying "Mama, it's beautiful!" Unpacking her things....the ache is there. The smells that remind me of her....and the ache is there. Seeing her pictures and just feeling like I can almost reach out and touch her....the ache is there. OH, I hate it!!! Sometimes it just won't leave. It won't just "go away." And once again, it brings me to my knees. See, sometimes it's so hard to even enjoy the joy and laughter of Elley and Holden. On one hand, it's great to see them run and splash at the park today and just love life, but on the other, Billy and I both are seeing in the midst of their playing that a piece of us is missing. Another little girl should be running and giggling. It seems so lonely without her. It wasn't supposed to BE like this!!!! I just want my life to be easy......That's what my flesh screams. But, we live in a fallen, sinful world, and in my spirit I know this is part of God's GOOD plan for us. I pray, well sometimes when I can't even pray, Jesus is interceding for me, for grace to believe the gospel.....this life is not all there is. I can't live for "this life." I just miss her so much it hurts.

Ok, for some comic relief.....I'm taking this suggestion from our new doctor.....to add this story. God had given us such a gift in our knew Dr. He will see our whole family. I'm not sure if he wants me to give his name, so I'll just call him "Awesome Dr." :) Ok, any Cullman people that might read this...you probably know, but oh well, HE told me to share, so I am.

He and his wife go to our church and they're great...like the kind of people you meet for the first time and think to yourself "I want them to be my friend" kind of great. They had us over for dinner this week and we so enjoyed their company. Awesome Dr. has been so great to truly go above and beyond for us and I really don't think He thinks we're weird. His exact words to us were (if we ever have ANY concerns about our children) "You just put it on me.....call me any time." And I know he means it. He has also done SO much for us to find out more information about Lew's sickness....more about that later because it's all still in process. We will never forget how he has served us in this unique way. ANYWAY, so I'm in his office today with Mary Helen for her six month checkup (yes, she's really 7 months but we're just now getting around to taking her ). Ok, this part is not really part of the story but it does give some background of my time leading up to the appointment.

First, I don't really know where I'm going because my GPS was not cooperating. I was very frustrated. See, things that would frustrate me under normal circumstances totally frustrate me WAY more these days. I drove around the hospital parking lot SEVERAL times looking for awesome Dr.s office. After about the fourth time, and saying "God, please give me a break here," I finally found it. Of course, Mary Helen had a dirty diaper. I get to the room, waiting for Awesome Dr. to see her and I change her diaper. As I'm washing my hands I had her on my hip with no diaper on and she (tt'd) all over me. The room totally smelled like poop and urine.

In walks Awesome Dr. OK, this is the funny part. I guess maybe my most embarrassing moment.....but I laughed until my stomach hurt. He proceeds to ask me a long string of questions about Mary Helen...."Is she rolling over? Eating cereal/baby food? reaching for objects? sleeping well ? and so on. Then he continues, "Did she have any problems at birth? Was she born at 40 weeks? Did she have a regular birth? " I told him that I had a C-section and she was around 38 and a half weeks....she was my fourth C-section.

THEN, he continues by asking, "Now does Billly have his guns locked up?" And I say "No, I had my tubes tied." OK, he totally meant Billy's actual shot guns and rifles that he hunts with !!!!!!! Do you get what I thought he meant????? ( like male body parts "locked up") I am a total freak aren't I. He pushes back in his chair and is laughing out loud, then I realize what I THOUGHT he meant and I know my face was as red as the wall but I was laughing so hard it hurt....we both were for several minutes. He said " that's the best I've heard in a long time!" He even told the nurses :)

He also said, "I read your blog last night and you need to add this story for some comic relief." I decided he was right. I hope it makes you laugh. This one is going down in history for me.

It's so good to laugh. I get tired of being sad. Just another reminder to me of God's grace in my life....that I can ache from the pain but can also ache in a fun way from laughing so hard.

I'll end with this....a poem from my recent women's bible study "Tapestry"

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He works so steadily.

Oft' times He weaves in sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Not till the loom is silent
And shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.


He IS my Master Weaver and He causes me to trust.