March 8, 2009

I realized on Sunday, Alaina's birthday, that the anticipation of the day was much harder than the actual day. It's like when you're going to talk in front of a group of people and you feel nervous just before you're about to stand up...but when you actually start talking, the nervous feeling goes away and there's a calm. Sunday morning I kind of felt numb, like I couldn't be joyful or sad, I felt like I couldn't cry even it I wanted to. As the day went on, I kept thinking "I can tell many are praying for us today." There really was a sense of peace throughout our day. If I believe what the bible says about heaven, then there's no way any birthday party on this earth can compare. The problem is that I wanted to celebrate with her for many more years and then God could take me home first. But that's not how he chose our story to go and as hard as it is to accept, I can trust that He is God and I am not.

We went to church Sunday morning and I really didn't want to go because other than our close friends nobody knew it was her birthday. I've realized how much it means to me for others to remember her. After worship, all our close friends literally surrounded us and said they were praying and they loved us ....and at that moment we really "felt" loved. One friend said "I looked at your blog last night and I wish I could have known her. She seemed like so much fun!" Billy says he thinks this is one of the best things someone could say and I agree! I knew someone said something encouraging because I looked over at him (in another conversation) and he was sobbing. An "extra layer "of our grief that we have to work through is that no one here knew her. They don't "see" our loss as much as the families we've lived with the past three years....and now we don't live with those families anymore. Every time we're together with our friends here my natural tendency is to picture Alaina among them. I know they wanted to know her and I wish they had. She would LOVE our friends and their children.

Hurricane Creek Park was great....beautiful weather, beautiful scenery, and the kids loved it. I'm very glad we went.

Thank you so much to all of you who sent cards, emails, etc. as an extra reminder that you were praying for us on the days surrounding her birthday. Many of you have said to me that you wish you could take, or carry some of our pain. When you remember Alaina, when you send me an email or card or call me, or whatever you do to reach out to us, you ARE carrying some of our pain. You are helping to shoulder this burden. I know you don't feel like you are but I wouldn't say it if it weren't true. I'm beyond blessed and thankful that you have chosen to walk this road with us.

love,
Hope