Ok people, I have lots of pictures to share and can't figure out how to get them all on one post without it taking FOREVER so they'll be divided up for your viewing pleasure. I'm so behind so I just tried to give you a quick "explanation" of each picture...kind of a man's version if you know what I mean.
We just got back from the beach but those pics will be for another post. I'm not sure where to begin with all I want/need to share...Do you have a few hours? I've had some hard days. I've had a HARD year. I'm tired. Tired of grieving. Tired of crying. Tired of fighting through the visions of July 2, 2008 over and over again. Tired of emotions and feelings catching me off guard, for example Elley's end of the year school program. As we were driving to the church I thought for the thousandth time that I wished we were going to watch two little girls instead of one. And I have to surrender for the bazillionth time. Before Elley's class the four year olds performed. I cried sitting there as they sang "She'll be coming around the mountain," one of Laina's favorites, and then listened as the teacher said "If you're the parent of a 4 year old, stand up, and they will find you." Then I watch as they all run to their parents, smiling and excited. And in that moment, my heart is breaking(again) and I want to scream....this is just too hard, why Lord? Why should any parent have to endure this? How can it be anything in that moment but heart....breaking? I'm tired of the heartbreak. I'm not giving up, just tired.
Yesterday was one of those days when I came to the end of myself and as I prayed all I could say was "Jesus, I need you." This morning as I thought and prayed some more I realized something about my stress. Grieving is so absolutely draining....physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. It has taken every bit of energy I have for almost a year now. We have purposely tried to avoid things that would create stress, like committing to things, people, etc. Well, this move that is approaching has created a new area of stress for me. I don't have any "room" on my "stress meter" for anything else and part of it gets down to one of my idles of wanting things to be easy. Moving is not easy. Getting land ready and putting in a road and all the time it will require of Billy is not easy. But we're right in the middle of it all and there's no turning back now. I am excited about being out there but it's the process that's exhausting...ESPECIALLY when you're still grieving, when your approaching the one year mark and everything is all too familiar and when you still listen to your kids say they wish their sister could come back. Otherwise it would just be a move, not really a big deal. But it's a big deal to me right now. That's where I am. I turned on the tv last night and it was on one of the church channels and a verse in Hebrews was on the screen....HE is the same yesterday, today and forever. He was God before we lost Laina. He is the same today with what I'm facing. He will be the same God tomorrow when I get up, and when we move, and when July 2 gets here and when I meet him in heaven. He does not change through all my shifting emotions, my highs and lows, which means his faithfulness, grace, mercy, character cannot change either. I cling to this HOPE. I cling to this God who does not change, who does not grow tired or weary.
Bye for now...be back soon with beach pics.
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