Where do I even begin?

I am taking a step of faith by opening up my heart to you in hopes that God will use our journey to draw you to himself. I don't know how God will use it through a sinner like me, but I trust that He will. Well, I know that everyone he uses is a sinner, so I'm no different :) Several of my friends know that I was hesitant to list our blog address for EVERYONE at the funeral. I trust that if you're taking the time to read this that you truly want to know. Obviously my posts will look very different now. Well, some things won't be different, that's the hard part. We'll continue to take lots of pictures, go to the pool, have school things, have play dates....it will just all be without her. It's very lonely without her. You'd think with three other children it wouldn't seem so lonely, but it does. I promise to be "real." It's my desire to be real and honest. Give me grace if my thoughts don't make sense and especially my punctuation/wording... all that mess.

Several months ago Billy was struggling with some things at work and I kept saying "This is where the rubber meets the road for us. This is when our faith truly makes a difference in how we live. Do we really believe what we say we believe? Do we believe God ordains EVERYTHING? If we do, then when we go through "hard" things it looks different for us compared to a non-believer."

This is exactly what we're facing now with the loss of our little girl. If not for the hope of the gospel being REAL and TRUE I think, well, I know that I would be completely consumed with sadness. I almost can't even cry anymore, it's almost not real that she's gone. In a lot of ways it's like Alaina and Elley were twins. They did everything together. Elley loves all the things Alaina loved. So we are surrounded with sweet, precious memories, very hard to think about without crying memories. Billy, my Dad and I took Clemson(nephew), Holden and Alaina to a creek today. You know exactly what I was doing the whole time. Yep, I was picturing Alaina with them splashing, laughing and excited. I walked down the dirt road crying, not because I didn't want my Dad or Billy to see me, but because I don't want Elley and Holden to see their mom crying ALL the time. You can pray for this. Of course, they are not as devastated as we are. I know they still probably think Alaina will be coming home in a few weeks...she's just on a little trip. It's so confusing for them. I don't think they realize they will never play with their sister again in this life. How do you process this when you're 2 and 6???? Yet another thing I must trust Jesus about.

I've always been a people pleaser in that I don't want anyone upset with me and I, of course, want them to like me. I hate any kind of conflict. For probably the first time in my life I Don't care what people think. Don't get me wrong, I care as long as it relates to the GOSPEL. Otherwise I feel so FREE. This is something huge in my life......a process God has been working on for the past three years especially. I'm not nearly as concerned with what people think of my kids, how they are "behaving," whether they think I'm a good mother/wife/cook/housekeeper, etc, etc. Losing Alaina will help me be a better mother. I am free to not worry about stupid things, insignificant things like them watching 30 more minutes of TV or obeying the first time EVERY time I tell them to do something.

I ONLY want to be consumed with my Jesus....not with sadness. I long to "live my life for an audience of ONE." (Tammy Murden quote). My security, self worth, EVERYTHING must ultimately come from Him and not anyone or anything else. This road we are traveling now is a constant reminder of my old way of thinking. For so many years, I lived the christian life viewing it like a mountain. You just keep climbing to the top getting higher and higher, becoming a "better" christian until one day you pretty much "arrive." It was such a legalistic way to live. I used to think, "Oh, they're a strong christian, a mature believer, they don't struggle with the things I do, they've mastered things like trusting God and being disciplined." Now, the longer I walk with Him, I see more and more how sinful I truly am. The christian life is a continuous cycle of Repent and believe.....repent and believe the gospel. Over and over again. I must believe the gospel now more than ever before, I do believe it!

I hope you don't look at me. What I mean is that I want you to look at Jesus. I'm telling you, anything I am doing "right" is only from Him. In and of myself I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to keep going. My strength is all by His grace, the funeral was all by His grace, making it through one day is all by His grace. His free grace and love, and mercy, and kindness, and faithfulness and compassion. He is the great "I AM." I picture it as Him saying "I AM....whatever you need. Fill in the blank." Grief is so complex. Society either thinks you're weird if you are sad for a LONG time or you're being fake because you seem "over it" too quickly. I don't think I have to be strong or "hold it together." I feel no pressure. I feel free to just be. I'm not running to Jesus, he's running to me, my high priest is interceding for me when I don't even have the words to pray. He's holding me when I can't "hold on." He's carrying me when I don't want to walk.

ok, all these words are not just for you. It's for me, too. This is the closest thing to a journal I'll probably ever have. To Him alone be the glory!!!!!

Final note: we learned on Monday that Lew (my little nickname forAlaina) had some form of Meningitis. I'll post more details on that later.

Grieving with hope

Sweet friends, (Billy always says don't say "sweet," instead say "kind," because kindness is a fruit of the spirit, but oh well :)

I'm in awe of God. I am amazed at God's people. Never have I been so held up, prayed for, thought for, cared for, loved.....I am utterly humbled that God has equipped my family by his GRACE for such a time as this. I don't even know where to begin as my thoughts/emotions are all over the place. Your words of encouragement and prayers on our behalf are precious to me!! Thank you for walking this road with us, for coming alongside to love and pray and serve. The funeral was perfect, it was everything I wanted it to be. Hopefully, with some help I can post the slide show from the visitation and the little booklet about Alaina that was given out. I also want to get the songs on here that were sung.

"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty

who was and is and is to come.

With all creation I sing, Praise to the risen king,

You are my everything, and I WILL adore you."

"You give and take away, you give and take away,

my heart WILL CHOOSE to say, Lord blessed be your name"

ok, right now playing on my computer is a song that I love, so I'll end with the chorus-

"Your blood, has washed away my sin, Jesus, Thank you,

the Father's wrath completely satisfied,

Jesus, Thank you,

Once your enemy, now seated at your table,

Jesus, Thank You!

Oh dear friends, I don't even know what to type. I am broken. So, So sad. My little girl is gone and I just want her here. I didn't even want to come in this room because this is where she and I slept the night she was sick. There are memories everywhere. Sweet, precious memories. My heart is so broken. I can't imagine life without her as today was even harder than yesterday. This morning was so quiet with just me, Billy and my parents in the house. After the quiet, just weeping, all four of us. Then quiet again. We know we will make it. Christ will hold us and carry us. It's hard to breathe. I Do believe with all my heart that He is good! It's all for His glory anyway. He is holding onto us even when we don't have the strength to hold onto Him. Thank you for your prayers on our behalf...they are holding us together. We will tell Holden today. He loved his sister so much. Please pray for that time with him. I'll write again later.

Check out my Slide Show!

Catching Up

Oh how I've missed blogging...this is going to be a big ole catch up post. We have not slowed down since we left Chicago. I already miss it there but am also excited about being back in Alabama where I no longer get asked about my accent but can actually laugh because I think everyone here sounds soooooo Southern now.

Let's see, since we've been in we've been to Butler, Fairhope for two weeks, Florida for a week, and now in Cullman Alabama where we found a house!!!! AND we have a contract on our house in Illinois!! We decided to look for a rental house and live there for at least a year since we're needing to buy two vehicles and we lost money on our house with the market being the way it is. Ok....I'm in love....with our rental house. It has been for sale since January and Billy happened upon it. He asked Branden(the seller) if he would be willing to rent it for a year and was called back in two hours with a Yes. We have the option to buy it after a year if we choose and honestly, this could be our forever house. I looooove it. It's very old, all hardwood floors, five bedrooms, great porch with a swing, great yard with huge, beautiful trees, etc, etc, etc!!!!!

So, let me back up a minute. Billy calls me at my parents (after he had only been looking for a day or so) and wants me to come and see this house. He very much tried to downplay it. He acted like he couldn't remember how many bedrooms it had and said his office would have to be in the garage....this was my first clue that he was trying to "get me." I just said Ok, and headed to Cullman. He takes me to a house in the country that was for rent/sale. We walked through it and it needed SO much work and everything was a mess. We get back in the car and Billy says that this was the best he had looked at. Sigh.....So I'm thinking "you've got to be kidding me!" Now, I had already been praying about my attitude. Praying to be content with whatever God provided and to be thankful for a place to lay our heads at night. As we drive away I'm praying in my head "just have a low expectation, just have a low expectation....."

Next stop is the house Billy originally called me about. We pull in the driveway and I'm already sold. As we're walking onto the front porch I start saying "Are you serious? Is this a joke?" I walked all through the house and immediately knew it was the house for us. It far exceeded my expectation. My only fear was that we would rent it for a year and I would have to leave. Then Billy tells me we can buy it after a year if we want. It is such a gift..... Billy is already saying "You're never going to want to leave are you? We're never going to live in the country are we?"

This house (location wise) is in the heart of everything. I can walk to the library and football field. Please come see us!!!!!!! This means you, Chicago people who have NEVER been to Alabama!!!!!!

We're having all our stuff packed up in Chicago and will be moving in mid July. School starts AUGUST 6...Can you believe that???? That's like 5 weeks away.

Hey

We are in Alabama and I left my computer behind.....thus no new post. As soon as I can upload my pictures I'll give an update on all our adventures. I'm kinda anal about posting without pictures to go with it. It might be a while because we are all over the place right now!!!! I miss blogging since it has sort of become my journal. Take care friends!!

Check out my Slide Show!